The Prisoner of Memory
by SomethingBorrowed
Summary: During the year that Remus Lupin teaches at Hogwarts he is confronted by his memories of the past while he attempts to protect Harry Potter from Sirius Black. Canon compliant and follows the timeline of POA. Undertones of slash.RECENTLY REVISED
1. Chapter 1 Arise

**The Prisoner of Memory**

**During the year that Remus Lupin teaches at Hogwarts he is confronted by his memories of the past while he attempts to protect Harry Potter from the inevitable arrival of Sirius Black. Canon compliant and follows the timeline of POA.**

_FYI – I only use OCs as a plot device to establish something about a character, so if you hate them, don't worry – they don't stick around too long!_

**1. Arise**

"Confidence," Remus Lupin wrote on the parchment before him. "You must believe in your abilities in order to defend yourself." As he wrote those words, Remus thought back to his days studying Defence Against the Dark Arts while he was a student at Hogwarts. He believed then, as well as now, that it was James Potter's unwavering self-confidence in addition to his skill which gave James an advantage when they were in that class together all those years ago. In his mind's eye, Remus recalled a seventeen year old James standing proudly, his right arm and wand straight out in front of him. From tip of his wand a perfect patronus had formed.

"Hello Prongs," James said to the stag as he admired his own work. Remus saw James look to the auburn haired girl on his right and smile. Lily Evans smiled back at James. She had come by then to admire his confidence, which for so many years she had mistaken as arrogance. James turned from her to say something to the boy on his left. The boy's eyes we covered with his long, dark hair which he then pushed away with a casual stroke of his hand in order to see the patronus. His grey eyes moved from the patronus to Remus and…

Remus brought himself back to the present. He realized that he had been unable breathe for the past few moments and the breath rushed back into him, causing him to gasp and cough. "Stop," he told himself when he regained his composure. "Just don't think about it any more." He turned back to the parchment.

He poured himself another cup of tea and sat down at his shabby kitchen table to continue writing his first lesson plan. It was already July and the school year would begin in less than two months. Remus now wondered why he had waited so long to begin this task, but he deep down he knew the answer. Having been so used to crushing disappointments throughout his life, Remus half expected this opportunity to slip away from him as so many had before.

Dumbledore and Remus had come to an agreement about his becoming the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher a month earlier. It was not the first time Remus had been approached by Dumbledore and asked to consider returning to Hogwarts. Several times over the years since Voldemort's defeat Dumbledore had offered the position to Remus but Remus had always refused. "I'm not safe around children," was his excuse.

"On the contrary, of all the prefects I've known during my years as headmaster, you were one of the most compassionate towards the younger students. That, along with your skills would make you an excellent teacher." Dumbledore replied. But still, Remus would not accept. He feared returning to the place that held so many happy memories for him. Memories he feared would be tainted if he returned.

It was nearly a dozen years after Voldemort's fall, when Dumbledore returned to Remus and made his offer again. This time was different and there was an urgency in the older man's voice that Remus had not heard before. "My current Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will not be returning next year. I need you to reconsider your previous concerns about becoming a teacher and accept my job offer." As always, Remus began to demur, but Dumbledore put up his hand to stop him from speaking, "Before you answer, I want you to think about any favors you feel you may owe to me. To think about the times I took a chance on you and to see if you have it in your heart to take a chance on me."

"Sir, are you blackmailing me?" Remus asked in amused disbelief.

"Technically, it's extortion; but I wouldn't put you in this position, Remus, if I didn't really need you to take me seriously this time and to realize, once and for all, that my offer is genuine. I am not asking you to take this position out of pity."

Remus was shocked by this shift in Dumbledore's usual unflappable demeanor. "Why? What has changed?" he asked.

Dumbledore leaned forward in his chair, resting his wrists on Remus' table where the two sat drinking tea. Remus felt momentarily embarrassed about the table's chipping paint and unsteady legs, but forgot these thoughts as soon as Dumbledore spoke.

"You are probably aware that James Potter's son is now attending Hogwarts."

There it was.

In the nearly twelve years that had passed, Remus had tried to protect himself from the pain brought on by memory, but Dumbledore had brought that hurt right back to the surface. If Dumbledore had taken a knife and stabbed him in the heart, Remus felt that the pain would have been just as great. For all those years during which he had felt so alone and abandon as a result of the events that had occurred, Remus knew that there was another person, a small child, whose loss was greater than his. Like so many things, he had tried not think about it because it reminded him of the person whose deception had orphaned the child.

"No, I … no, I hadn't realized that," Remus stuttered.

Dumbledore was unfazed by Remus' obvious discomfort and he continued. "Harry's fine, but Voldemort has made two attempts to reach him while he's been at Hogwarts and that concerns me greatly. I need someone else to watch out for him. Someone I trust completely; someone else who feels invested in Harry's well-being. Equally important, I need someone who can teach in an area where there is a vacancy. Do you understand now, Remus, why it has to be you?"

Remus struggled to put together the pieces of everything Dumbledore had revealed to him. He wondered if all he had previously worked for; all that others had given their lives for, had been for nothing. "He's back?" he asked finally.

"Not completely," Dumbledore replied, leaning back. "But I expect he will be. We fool ourselves, Remus, when we believe we have conquered evil. Evil has a way of returning when we aren't vigilant in protecting what we value. The Ministry has become complacent in this time of peace. It's only a matter of time…" He shook his head but didn't finish the thought. Dumbledore's words hung between them, cold like a ghost.

They were silent for awhile as Remus continued to contemplate what Dumbledore had told him both about Voldemort and also about the boy who had ultimately defeated him years ago. He remembered Harry as a baby and tried to picture what he must look like now as a boy of thirteen, but he could not. He could only picture James at that age. He saw in the vapor of memory James' messy hair, his glasses askew, and his crocked, mischievous smile. Remus' reverie was suddenly broken when Dumbledore said, "You know I'm still waiting for your answer."

"I'm not sure you left me much choice," Remus answered softly. It was true that he knew he could not refuse what Dumbledore had asked him, but he also felt he owed something to James. James had also taken a chance when he had befriended Remus so many years ago. James had given his life to the cause that, if what Dumbledore said was true, was now in jeopardy.

Despite his desire to repay the kindness and bravery that Dumbledore and James had shown to him, Remus was still unsure about returning to Hogwarts, a place where he had been so happy. He wondered if he could be happy there again, this time as a teacher or if he would be constantly reminded that happiness does not last and the person he thought he knew so well ended up to be a person he did not know at all.

"If I do agree to your offer, can I request that you not tell Harry about me? I don't want him to know about me and James and …" Remus trailed off, unable to say the name.

"Of course," Dumbledore assured him. "That is your history to share and maybe someday you'll be ready to do so on your own."

In the weeks that followed, Remus found himself looking forward to his new position. He busied himself creating lesson plans and seeking out supplies for his classroom. Any trepidation he had previously felt about returning to Hogwarts began to disappear as he realized how much he needed this new challenge. Remus was surprised to find himself in possession of a long, lost emotion: excitement.

As the month drew to a close, Remus felt the moon waxing and made his way to Diagon Alley to purchase Wolfsbane potion. He had started taking the potion the previous year and, despite how tired it made him during the full moon, he was happy that he no longer had to transform. He was only thirty-three years old but he could already feel the toll that the years of transformations had taken on his joints and bones.

It was late in the day when he arrived at the apothecary. The potion maker looked up as he entered. "I was wondering when you'd get here," she said as she smiled at him. Julia Kim was a pretty witch, a few years younger than Remus, who he had gotten to know well over the past year as a result of his monthly visits to her shop.

"You should know by now that I always arrive as close to closing time as possible," Remus teased, smiling back at Julia. "This way I have the best chance of having you all to myself."

Julia laughed appreciatively as she lifted her wand and Remus heard the lock turn in the door behind him. The sign that had previously indicated the shop was open, now told the world that business was closed for the night. Julia handed Remus a steaming cauldron of Wolfsbane potion and then let him follow her up the stairs to her flat.

_A/N: This story is consistent with my previous story, __The Secret Keepers__ but will only focus on Harry's 3__rd__ year from Remus Lupin's perspective. This story stands on its own and it is not necessary that you read the first story in order to understand this one. However, if you have read __The Secret Keepers,__ you'll see similarities between __The Prisoner of Memory__ and the chapter entitled "The Pain from Scorpions." Let me know if you enjoyed it._


	2. Chapter 2 No Escape

_A/N: Remus' past confronts him not only in memory but in the present as well._

**2. No Escape**

He dressed in the darkness. Julia continued to sleep lying on her stomach as Remus pulled the sheet up to cover her. He leaned down to kiss her bare shoulder. "Good bye," he whispered. Julia murmured something back and he kissed her cheek before walking quietly out of the bedroom.

Remus left Julia's flat with his cauldron of potion just as dawn was breaking. He was an early riser by nature, but he also thought it would not be good for Julia if the neighbors saw a strange man walking out of her door in the cruel light of morning. While he and Julia enjoyed each other's company and Remus felt comfortable because he did not have to hide his affliction from her, neither believed that they were destined to a more long term commitment. Having made poor judgments about love in the past, Remus had come to the conclusion that he was not suited to being in love. Instead he was content to enjoy the twin pleasures of sex and companionship, both of which he and Julia found in each other. Remus did not delude himself into believing that he was the only one who shared her bed. Julia was a beautiful and independent woman with many other male admirers. She was happy for him when she heard of his appointment at Hogwarts but, quite tellingly, didn't dwell on the long period of time in which they would be apart.

What attracted Julia to him was something Remus could only guess. Although he was not attractive enough to have women compete for his attention, he had always been able to find someone to be with when he wanted to. He had a quiet sense of humor and, having been treated poorly by others so often, he treated all people with a respect that quickly earned him their appreciation, especially among women.

He also, Remus knew, had an air of being faithful; of being someone who could be counted on. He wanted people to think this of him and had always tried to be a faithful friend and lover. "If they want faithful," he recalled a voice from his past saying of his own female companions, "They should get a dog." Remus remembered the mirth that was in those grey eyes and the bark-like laugh which accompanied the words as they had been spoken.

He quickly shook the unwanted memory from his head. "I will never be like that," he told himself. Nor would he ever betray his friends the way that he had been betrayed. As if to reassure himself of what was real, Remus breathed in the scent of Julia that was still upon him and concentrated on getting home.

When he arrived at his flat, he picked up the copy of _The Daily Prophet_ that was on his step and unlocked the door with his wand. He put the newspaper and the cauldron of potion on the kitchen counter. The full moon was to occur that night but he wouldn't need to take the potion until later in the day. Then he would sleep through the night and not wake again until the evening of the following day. Remus was worried about the time that would be lost from preparing for his classes, so he got to work right away. Today he was working on the lesson plan for his fifth years who would be preparing to take their O.W.L.s the following spring. It was unclear to Remus if they had learned very much from his predecessor, so he wanted to ensure that he covered all material that might possibly be on that exam.

The day wore on and Remus fought against the wolf inside him as it began to claw and threaten to push through. When he felt he could hold off no longer, he put away his parchments and poured the potion from the cauldron into an old teacup. A day older did not improve the taste he noted as he opened the newspaper to read while he drank.

Immediately the headline caught his eye; however, Remus had been reading _The Daily Prophet_ for years and knew that dramatic headlines were rarely followed up with genuine stories. An escape from Azkaban, after all, was next to impossible. Instead, he turned to the inside pages and read about a banking scandal at Gringotts. He read paying special attention to any changes in public opinion. If what Dumbledore said was true and Voldemort would likely return, then it was equally likely that things would be getting worse for Remus and those who shared his affliction.

Remus felt himself growing tired and closed the paper. He rose from the table to make his way to the bedroom, but before he did his eyes were drawn to the moving picture that accompanied the headline. Something about it was familiar. The eyes flashed in a way he had seen before and he moved closer to get a better look at the man staring back at him. Recognition began to filter through the cloud of his mind as the picture blurred and the words swam on the page. Remus struggled against the sleep that had begun to overtake him.

"NO," he cried as he felt himself being pulled away by the potion into the mist of unconsciousness. "It's not possible! This can't be happening!" He felt his legs give way and then nothing else.

* * *

It had been years since he had had the nightmare. It was more a replaying of past events than a true dream. He was four years old and it was right before Christmas. His mother and he were walking through the park at night. They were returning from a concert and she was singing. Remus' mother was a Muggle from a musical family. She was a concert pianist, but that evening she had taken Remus with her to hear Handel's Messiah. Remus didn't completely understand the words and he had been a bit bored, but he liked spending time with his mother. It made him feel special and loved the way she smiled at him when she asked him if he had enjoyed the program.

Remus felt how she held his mittened hand in hers. He saw his breath steam in the cold night air and heard Christmas carols in the distance. He didn't hear the beast until it was upon him. Fenrir Greyback grabbed him suddenly. Remus heard his mother scream as she tried to pull him back towards her. His hand slipped out of his mitten and he was gone. Taken from the warmth and security of the world he had known; lost forever to the pain and isolation of the bite.

* * *

Remus woke up on the kitchen floor in the evening of the following day. The sun had begun to set and he tried to remember why he hadn't gotten into bed before he collapsed. All he could remember was the nightmare that was still vivid in his mind. Half awake, he recalled the first time he had had that dream while a student at Hogwarts. It was in the fall of his first year and his roommates did not yet know about his affliction.

"Remus! Remus wake up!" James called as he shook Remus softly. Remus opened his eyes. "You were having a nightmare, that's all," James said reassuringly. "Everything's okay now."

"Except you woke me up with your screaming," groaned the voice from the other side of the room.

"Sorry," Remus said, ashamed of his disturbance. He was only grateful that his other roommate, Peter, continued to sleep.

"Don't apologize," James told him, although he directed his statement to the other side of the room as well. "We all have nightmares."

"I don't," the voice was muffled by a pillow as if he was trying to block out their voices.

James rolled his eyes. "You are a nightmare!" He turned his attention back to Remus, "Will you be alright?"

Remus nodded and thanked James. Although he was embarrassed for waking his two roommates, he appreciated James' compassion. James closed curtain and returned to his bed.

As soon as he heard James climb into his bed, Remus heard a deep, exasperated sigh from the across the room. He heard the sound of someone getting out of bed and footfall crossing the room. Remus' curtains were pulled open and he looked up to see the boy looking down at him. In the weak light of the room his skin looked deathly pale in contrast to his dark hair.

"When my little brother gets nightmares we leave the doors of our adjoining rooms open so he can hear me breathe. That usually helps. Leave your curtains open and I'll open mine. Listen to my breathing and you should fall back to sleep in no time." His voice was soft and edged with kindness.

"Thanks," Remus whispered. He was surprised when he awoke in the daylight that the solution had worked.

Remus felt himself return to the present. He remembered the newspaper and the headline that had shocked him right before he collapsed. Slowly he got up from the floor, grabbed the paper, and fell into the nearest armchair. Again he saw the man's sunken face looking out at him, eyes blazing with anguish. He read about the escape and the Ministry's efforts to recapture the fugitive. He read the retelling of the crime and the betrayal for which the man had been imprisoned without trial.

But in the aftermath of his nightmare and the memory of that night at Hogwarts, he remembered why he had never quite believed everything that happened. He didn't quite believe it because Remus had listened to the breath and been comforted.

_To readers and reviewers: Miss Freddie - I'll always remember the one who took my review virginity! Shiny Objects beat you to it on this story. Thanks Shiny Objects - you were great!_


	3. Chapter 3 Search

_A/N: I only borrow these characters for my own and, I hope, your pleasure. _

**3. Search**

Remus knew someone was standing behind him. He felt the breath on the back of his neck. It was soft at first but became hotter as it got closer. Then he felt lips gently brushing against his skin so that his hair stood on end. The kiss was tentative at first but grew fuller and more confident with each touch. The kisses ceased and Remus felt the wetness of a tongue begin to trail down his spine. He lifted his head to call his lover's name but he could not speak. Instead he awoke alone in the darkness.

It had been forty-eight hours since the full moon and Remus had almost regained enough strength to leave the flat in search of answers. More newspapers had gathered on his step but none had any more information about the man whose photograph called out to Remus, saying something that Remus could not understand. While he waited for the potion to wear off Remus moved in an out of sleep, unable to stop his mind from searching the memories that he had tried so hard to lose, drifting back to the day when the doors of happiness closed on him and left him alone.

Remus' world had collapsed twelve years before when the moon waned and he returned to find all of his friends had gone. He had left right before Halloween to remove himself from civilization during the full moon for the purpose of his transformation. Even though they had left school years before, his friends still tried to accompany him as they had always done. However, by then James had gone into hiding and Peter, who never really enjoyed it, had recently begun making excuses for why he couldn't join them. Remus had been surprised that he was alone this time, but upon his return the reason was apparent.

It was not the first time he had felt himself lose everything he had counted on. The first time was when he was bitten. When he became afflicted, the Ministry insisted that the Lupins remove Remus from society and the family moved far into the country. Remus' father began practicing Muggle law and his mother taught Remus music along with everything else because the Ministry forbid him from attending primary school. He was considered a "dangerous magical creature" now and restricted from contact with other children. At least he was, until Dumbledore decided to ignore the Ministry's restrictions and invite Remus to attend Hogwarts.

Remus felt he lived a charmed life at Hogwarts especially when he was in the presence of the two coolest boys in the school. While Remus was never an athlete himself, the fact that he was able to consider the top Quidditch players among his best friends shocked him more than anyone else. However, he never took their friendships for granted and when he was a prefect gave then slightly more leeway than he did other students, much to his friends' appreciation. This balance of power was acceptable to all parties.

Once they left school and entered adulthood, there was no longer a need for a balance of power between them. Their friendships were firmly established. James married Lily and Harry joined the shortly afterward. Remus continued to feel that his life was charmed as it took him in interesting and exotic directions that he never before thought possible. He even believed himself to be in love.

Remus had experienced pain throughout his life, but the shock of his friends' deaths and the betrayal was more than he felt he could handle. Upon his return everyone was celebrating the fall of Voldemort at the hands of "The Boy Who Lived," but all Remus could think about was everything that had died. At first he was convinced that there had been some mistake; that the person he knew and loved could not have been capable of such deception and violence. Remus had seen the godfather's loving gaze as his grey eyes rested upon the baby Harry. It wasn't possible that he had been plotting to kill the child. Over time he understood that denial was a part of the grieving process and as years went by and memories faded Remus wondered if he had ever loved at all.

Dumbledore seemed to understand the depth or Remus' loss and would stop in to visit him from time to time. "You're checking up on me," Remus said as he served his guest a cup of tea. "As you can see, I haven't become a drunk or succumb to my more animalistic nature."

Dumbledore nodded his head in thanks for the tea. "I assure you, Remus, I didn't expect to find you in either of those states. You are far stronger than that." He sipped his tea slowly and leaned back in the chair. "The survivors are the ones who suffer, whether from loneliness or from guilt because they did survive." Remus had wanted to say how none of this made sense; to explain how close friends wouldn't do this to one another, but he felt that Dumbledore would explain that it was just survivor's guilt driving his thoughts. He didn't want the older man's pity and remained silent.

Eventually the days took up routines. Months went by marked with full moons that he met alone and years passed surprisingly quickly. Remus managed to create a small semblance of a life as he tried to put the past behind him. But then everything, all of those feelings of confusion, of love, of secrecy, of belonging, of betrayal and of loss came back to him as he regarded the eyes staring wildly out at him from _The Daily Prophet._

If anyone wanted to find out real information about the wizarding world, Remus knew it could not obtained from _The Daily Prophet _or the Ministry of Magic. That information was found in the bars and taverns of Diagon Alley. Darker information was available in similar establishments on Knockturn Alley where, being a werewolf, he was also welcome. When he regained his strength he set out in search of answers.

Remus quickly learned that the escape from Azkaban was the only news anyone wanted to discus in any of the bars he visited that night. The patrons in the establishments of Knockturn Alley cheered the escape as a victory. However, as far as Remus could gather, no one could remember the one they proclaimed as their hero from the before the fall of Voldemort.

"No, but I know all about him," a patron on his second pint of beer in a Knockturn Alley tavern told Remus when Remus asked if he had known the man personally. "He was from a family of great dark wizards. They were all supporters of the Dark Lord."

Remus knew about the family, but pretended he did not. "How did he manage to escape and where do you think he is going?" he asked his informant.

"I reckon he's going to find his master," the man told Remus as he called for another pint that Remus paid for. "Rumor has it that the Dark Lord is in Albania. As far as how he escaped, did you know his cousin is also in Azkaban?" Remus nodded. "A powerful witch, that one; I imagine they arranged it together. She'll be out next, mark my word!"

After finishing his pint and thanking the man, Remus left the tavern and went over to a familiar establishment on Diagon Alley. The waitress smiled and nodded at Remus as he approached the bar. She looked familiar to him and he remembered that he had shagged her last year. Once again, Remus was grateful that he always remained on good terms with his former lovers. He smiled back and greeted her by name. He sensed that she could be helpful to him.

Remus chatted with the other patrons but they didn't know much more than the man in the Knockturn Alley bar. Everyone claimed that the escapee was a well-known supporter of Voldemort as well as a notorious mass murderer. They were certain that he was seeking revenge against the ones who had imprisoned him. Most were scared for their own and their family's lives with such a person on the run.

However, his friend the waitress had different information. "Ministry officials were in here the other day and they know where he's going," she told Remus quietly. "He's headed to Hogwarts."

"Hogwarts?" Remus replied in disbelief. How likely was it a coincidence that they were both headed there? "Why Hogwarts?" he asked her.

"They say he wants to finish the job he started. He wants to kill the boy, Harry Potter."

"What are they doing to stop him," Remus asked, now sensing that this problem was even bigger than he had thought.

The waitress shuddered, "Dementors. The Minister brought them out of Azkaban to protect the school. The headmaster doesn't like it, but he can't have a mass murderer break in and murder a student now, can he?"

Whether or not Remus believed the rumors or felt that the Harry was truly in danger from the godfather who had once so lovingly held him, Remus knew that his brief encounter with joy was over. His chance for happiness had been destroyed once again by the same man who did it last time. He returned home alone knowing that there was no way Dumbledore would have him at Hogwarts.

Despite his overwhelming feeling of disappointment, somewhere deep within he felt a strange, vaguely remembered sensation. He felt as if scorpions, which had lain dormant all these years, were beginning to reawaken and crawl inside him. He felt their tongues reaching for his skin and remembered the feeling of them biting through his flesh whenever he had tried to fight the desire he knew was wrong, but could not live without. Perhaps, it was just his dream or the night's conversations that caused the sensation to reoccur, but Remus secretly wondered if it was a sign of a presence growing closer.

"Sirius," Remus said finally as he stood alone in the silent darkness of his flat. For so many years he had not allowed himself to let the name cross his lips. It felt almost sensuous to him now as he said it one more time, "Sirius Black."

_Thank you for the reviews. I'm a self-proclaimed review slut, so I look forward to hearing from you._


	4. Chapter 4 Reveal

_A/N: Remus is not the only one with a hidden past. Just borrowing so don't sue!_

**4. Reveal**

The next morning Remus sent an owl to Dumbledore, stating his understanding that Dumbledore must now rescind his offer. He packed up the parchments in hope that one day, when things were clearer, perhaps Dumbledore would make his offer again. He was taken off-guard when Dumbledore appeared at his door that evening.

"Classes begin in a few weeks, Remus. What makes you think I'd change my mind now?" Dumbledore asked as he walked into Remus' flat, holding aloft the parchment.

"Sir, you must know about the escape from Azkaban and you've probably heard the rumor that he is on his way to Hogwarts. Having me there puts you in a difficult position. Many people, including the staff, will remember that we were friends and, well, I can see where their suspicions will take them." Remus shrugged as if he didn't care, but in reality he resented having his chance at happiness taken from him once again.

"Unless you are saying that you would help Sirius Black if he asked you…" Dumbledore looked at Remus whose face showed nothing but denial. "Good. Then we have nothing to worry about. I feel this recent change of events only proves that I need you protecting Harry more than ever. Not only is Voldemort a threat to him, but now this more pressing danger is upon us. May I sit?" Remus nodded and pointed to an armchair.

Remus felt that he needed to add words of his own to Dumbledore's professed confidence. "At first, when it happened all those years ago, I didn't believe it. I thought he loved Harry, his godson, and James and he were always the best of friends. But over the years, I think I've come to accept what happened. Not understand it, of course, but accept it."

Dumbledore finished arranging himself in the chair and spoke in an unexpectedly serious tone. "I've never told anyone this, but when I was a young man I had a good friend, much in the same way you had James Potter and Sirius Black. In truth, we were even closer. There were times…" Dumbledore paused. His gaze drifted away from Remus' face to place that only he could see. He seemed to carefully consider his next words. "There were times when our friendship crossed a line. It crossed that invisible line which close friends create to keep them from exploring a deeper connection." He paused again.

Remus felt uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. Particularly, he was afraid Dumbledore has realized a truth about Remus' past that Remus had tried desperately to forget.

Dumbledore continued. "I'm not ashamed of that; I'm only ashamed that my feelings kept me from seeing the evil that was right before me. Or perhaps more shameful is the fact that I did see it, but I chose to ignore it until it was too late.

"Years later, when the evil grew too large for even me to ignore, I fought him and imprisoned him where he can do no more harm. It pained me to do that to my friend, to someone who I had loved like a brother and, to be honest, even more deeply than that. But it was the right thing to do and I was sure of that. I'm still sure. And if he came back today, asking for my forgiveness, asking me to go back to the way things were between us; it would hurt, but I know I would not give in to him.

"You are strong, Remus. I have always admired that in you. The Sirius Black you knew is not the same person who murdered your friends and who is now a danger to Harry. I know that if you were confronted with him, you would do the right thing, as I did long ago." Dumbledore got up from the chair and walked over to Remus. He stood behind Remus put his hand on Remus' shoulder. Remus did not know what to say. Dumbledore seemed to understand that and they stayed there wordlessly for a few moments, until Dumbledore walked to the door and left the flat.

Everyone has a past, Remus realized. Everyone is hiding something shameful or a hurt that is too great to share. He hid the wolf inside him from others and now he knew that others held similar demons within themselves. Suddenly he didn't feel quite as alone as he had always believed he was.

Perhaps, Remus thought, he and James and Peter were like Dumbledore in that they didn't want to see the evil that was in Sirius. They wanted to love him and trust him like the friend he had been to them all. Maybe, like the wolf inside Remus, there had been a demon inside Sirius that made him capable of such deception. Perhaps that demon had been staring at them the entire time they knew Sirius and they did not want to look back at it. "That would make sense," Remus told himself. But still, deep within himself, he knew it did not make sense at all.

While he planned on keeping his promise to Dumbledore, Remus did not want to become close to James' son. He did not want to explain how they had all been deceived and that Harry's godfather, who Remus had felt he knew so well, had once again placed Harry's life in danger. There are many students at Hogwarts, Remus reasoned, avoiding one should not be too difficult. He could protect the boy from afar by keeping alert to signs of the dark magic. He told himself that Dementors would be more successful than he, if indeed an escapee from Azakaban was able to live past the fall from the tower, the frigid waters, and the long, dangerous swim. It was, any reasonable person would know, highly unlikely anyone could survive that.

The full moon was to occur at the end of August, right before the school year began on September first. Remus was packed and ready to go when he once again made the trip to the Diagon Ally for the Wolfsbane potion and to spend one last night with Julia. He savored the way her warm, smooth skin felt as her body moved against his. Afterward, when they kissed good bye, Remus sensed that they both knew it was over, but because they liked and respected each other, neither would have any regrets.

On the morning he was to leave for the Hogwarts Express he was still feeling the somnolent effects of the potion. After several strong cups of tea, he managed to make his way to King's Cross Station where he found an empty car, and was soon fast asleep.

Remus' dream brought him back into the memory of his first time on this train. The sound of children's laughter was almost unknown to him then as he had spent so much of his childhood alone. From the window of his compartment he could see his father waving, his face beaming with gratitude and hope. Remus also hoped that he could stay at school; that the precautions that had been put in place would allow him to hide his affliction and, possibly, to make friends.

He shared the car with five other first years that he did not know. Some were quiet like he was and stared nervously out of the window, while a few others talked incessantly. One girl was loudly describing the family she had been next to as she entered the platform. "The boy apologized for accidentally bumping me with his trunk, but his mother was so rude! She was wearing a long robe made out of black fur and had a big hat with black roses on it. Don't you think that's strange for such a warm summer day? Her husband had a walking stick with a snake's head on it and I swear the head turned and looked at me!"

"Those were the Blacks," a second girl told the first one. "They are one of the oldest and most noble wizard families. They are longtime Slytherins, like my family. That boy, Sirius Black is in our year."

The first girl seemed to be impressed with this information and they continued to talk about the four houses, the sorting process, and the mysterious Sirius Black. Listening to their conversation, Remus got the impression that Sirius Black must be a boy who attracted the attention of girls and he wondered if he would ever be able to do the same.

The dream changed. It was a different time and he riding the train with his classmates, but, as it was in dreams, he could not remember their names. The only one he remembered was James. He heard James' voice clearly as he spoke to the other students. Remus tried to remember how old he was. James' voice had begun to change which put their ages at around thirteen. Remus wondered where Sirius was. James and Sirius were always together; especially on the train when they would talk about what they did on their respective holidays. Sirius always had funny, yet scary stories about his family. Then he remembered that Sirius was in prison. He wondered if he should warn James about Sirius, but knew that James would laugh at him. "Padfoot is not a murderer!" James would say.

Various images and sounds floated around Remus as he continued to sleep. He became aware of the voices rising around him. One voice had a haughty, sneering quality that reminded Remus of Sirius' brother, Regulus Black. There seemed to be some kind of altercation, but it ended quickly. He vaguely remembered being in a bar and hearing a familiar woman tell him that Sirius was on his way to Hogwarts. Remus thought it strange that she said this, because Sirius was not on the train. The feelings of longing and loss that were always with him filtered into his consciousness. He wondered again who the children were.

The train stopped and the voices became confused and frightened. He wanted to say something comforting so he tried to listen for James' voice to give him some clue as to the names of the other children. But it was when the girl said the name, "Harry," that Remus woke up completely and he realized that he was sharing the car with the one person he didn't want to know.

Remus opened his eyes in the darkness. The lights had gone out on the train. He quickly pulled himself out from his dream and into the reality. He was no longer a student, James and Peter were dead, and Sirius was lost to him. He was a teacher and the adult in charge. His first job was to restore order in this car and then on the train full students. "Quiet!" he told the students. They immediately went silent.

He conjured a fire in his hands and looked up. The silvery glow of the firelight revealed James staring back at him.

He would have sat there gaping, or perhaps he would have allowed himself the fantasy that this was really James and he could live his life again; but the Dementor appeared at door of the compartment and Harry fainted.

_Do you remember from POA who entered the car and would have a voice like Regulus?_

_To readers and reviewers: SeraphineBlack- thanks! Quiet people deserve to get lucky, too. Thank you, Ignea, for noticing that Remus IS a strong character in the books, though tragically underused. Thank you Shiny Objects, Remuslives23, MissFreddy, and Rekahneko for your inspirational reviews!_


	5. Chapter 5 Be Strong

_A/N: If I owned HP and the POA, there would be many more chapters with Remus Lupin, so I can only borrow them here._

**5. Be Strong**

Remus was cold, so cold. The frigid wind whipped off the ocean and drilled the freezing cold directly into his body. His teeth chattered and he would have shivered but his bones were already throbbing with the transformation that was almost upon him. "Where are you?" he called loudly, but the wind brought his words quickly back to him and they dispersed into the turbulent air, lost.

The horizon began to glow as the moon threatened to rise. The surf crashed angrily on the jagged rocks; its din echoed in Remus' brain adding to the pain and the cold and the pain that was the cold. The wind dug its icy fingers into him, piercing him like knives. "I shouldn't be alone," he called out again. "I'm not supposed to be alone here!" The tide greedily pulled the ocean back into itself and the scraping sound of stones being dragged across one another burst in his eardrums causing him to scream in agony. The scream turned into a howl as the wolf began to pull through.

With his last conscious thought, Remus looked around him, scanning for the man who was supposed to be there. The biting wind made Remus long for the warmth of his touch and the comfort and strength of his presence. The jagged, rocky shoreline had been in complete darkness but it began to brighten as the full moon rose, calling out to the wolf inside him. The crashing, the dragging, the drilling cold, the searing pain, all melted together as he felt the wolf's thoughts clouding his own. "Sirius!" he tried to shout but he could only howl, "Sirius!"

But that wasn't what was happening now, Remus realized. That had already happened on All Saints Day, the day after Halloween, twelve years ago, the night after James and Lily had been murdered. It was the night that Sirius Black had been taken to Azkaban.

Now the cold he felt was because the Dementor had entered his train car and had dragged that memory of pain, of cold, of loss, of fear, of confusion, and of emptiness out from where it had been hidden. The kids whose faces Remus had just revealed with the light of his conjured fire were terrified and Harry fell to the floor. Remus gathered his strength, pulled out his wand, and approached the Dementor. "None of us is hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks," he said firmly. "Go!"

The Dementor did not move. Remus searched for a good memory. He knew that because he had not recovered all of his strength he needed a memory that was easy to reach. He thought of making love to Julia earlier that week. He pictured her black hair streaming across the white pillow as she lay on the bed. Her eyes were closed and she smiled in anticipation of what they were about to do. Remus lowered himself on to her and kissed her lips right before he –

But the kiss that had filtered into his memory and took over his thoughts was not Julia's kiss at all. It was another kiss from long ago. This kiss was deep and forceful. Their mouths were open, warm, searching, and expectant. This kiss drew him into a world where there was no shame, no limits, no one to confess to, no one to confide in. This kiss was locked forever in that sacred moment, lingering like the impression of the fingers that had rested on his cheeks. "Expecto Patronum," Remus muttered and his silvery patronus emerged from his wand. The Dementor turned and left.

Harry's friends tended to him and Remus stayed with them until he was sure Harry was going to be okay. It was not unusual to have an intense reaction to a Dementor especially, as in Remus' case as well as Harry's, a person had undergone a great tragedy. Remus wondered what if anything Harry remembered of that Halloween long ago. Remus excused himself. He went to see the conductor and ask that an owl be sent ahead to alert the school that Harry had fainted and may need some medical attention.

As he left the car to on that errand, Remus realized that it had been years since he had cast the Patronus charm and his patronus had changed. However, he was not surprised by the new shape it had taken.

When he returned to the car, he asked Harry how he was feeling, but didn't get too much in the way of a response. Remus encouraged his young companions to eat the chocolate he had given them and they all sat in silence for the remaining miles of the trip. Remus was caught between keeping his vow to remain distant from Harry and his new desire to know his friend's son. He could tell that Harry was ashamed for having fainted in front of his classmates as well as his new teacher and Remus wanted to tell the boy not to worry, for he too had experienced the embarrassement of fainting spells when he was Harry's age. For the first time in his life, Remus felt the odd desire to blurt out the details of his condition and to explain how the onset of puberty had changed his transformations, causing him to get sick and faint before each full moon, something that had not happened in childhood, and had subsided in manhood. More strongly he felt compelled to tell Harry how James had stuck by him and cared for him throughout this difficult time.

* * *

"Moony! Moony! Are you okay?" James' face swam in front of his. The dizziness had come upon him quickly and he faltered while they were walking to the Great Hall for lunch. He tried to answer but the words were too heavy. Darkness enclosed around him and Remus felt himself falling and then suddenly being lifted up by strong arms. He heard the unlocking spell, a door opened, and then closed again. Carefully his friends lowered him on to the floor. Remus could tell by the smell that they were in a broom closet. He heard their whispered voices and the door opened and closed again.

Sirius and James spoke to each other in quiet, concerned tones. They had been helping Remus hide his condition for two years and had become used to taking care of him as the full moon approached. While they were supportive of his "furry little problem," the fainting spells troubled them. They were, after all, only thirteen year olds and mystery of body changes and the developing signs of approaching manhood scared them all. As Remus regained consciousness his first thought was to apologize for making them worry, but before he could speak, Peter returned with a glass of water and handed it to Sirius. "Drink this, Moony," Sirius said to him as he knelt down and lifted Remus' head. Remus felt the strength and support of his friend's palm as it rested at the back of his neck. "It should help you to feel stronger." Sirius held the glass and tilted it to Remus' mouth. Their eyes met and Sirius gave him an encouraging smile. Remus drank the water unable to move his eyes from where they had locked with Sirius'. As always, he felt mezmerized by how grey they were, but more recently he began to feel something else when he looked into Sirius' eyes. He felt hungry, yet satiated; he felt scared, yet brave; free, yet imprisioned. The confusion of these mixed emotions swam in his gut, until his pushed away the glass of water and closed his eyes. "I'm better now," he told them, but it was not completely truthful.

Back in the present Remus remembered the incident and how he felt when he looked into Sirius' eyes. Was it the evil in Sirius he felt then, or had it been something else entirely?

Remus glanced at Harry again, but turned away before the boy could see him. He turned his attention to the other students in his car, but they too had the faces of his past. The girl with red hair bore a striking resemblance to Fabian Prewitt and one of the other boys Remus could immediately tell was the son of Alice Longbottom. While Remus had predicted how difficult it would be to see Harry for the first time, he had not thought what it would be like to meet the offspring of his other friends who had died or, as in the Longbottoms' case, met other tragic fates. The train arrived at its final destination and he wondered who else from his past would meet him at Hogwarts.

Hagrid took the first year students with him and the other students got into the carriages that were to take them through the gates and into the grounds of Hogwarts. Remus looked up at the school in the distance. He had not been back to Hogwarts since he left there fifteen years ago, but its appearance impressed him as much as it did the first time he saw it. As he waited for his carriage and tried to maintain order among the students on the platform, he noticed a blond boy appeared to be harassing Harry and his red-haired friend. "Is there a problem here?" he asked. Remus the teacher did not want any problems among the students that were in his care, but Remus the friend wanted to ensure that James Potter's son was not being bullied. The latter, stronger desire shocked him.

Once they arrived at the school everyone filed into the Great Hall for the Sorting of first years and the feast. The other members of the staff greeted Remus enthusiastically, except for Severus Snape. Remus was shocked to see him as a teacher, for the last Remus had heard of him was that Snape was a follower of Voldemort. He put it out of his mind for the moment to watch the sorting and to take in the sea of familiar and unfamiliar faces that were before him.

Remus looked at the nervous faces of the first years. He too had felt those butterflies of worry and anticipation as he waited to learn where he would be placed. His father had been a Ravenclaw, but had warned Remus that it did not always go by families. The girl who had been in his car that first day had indicated that members of the same family DID tend to stay in the same house for generations and that contradiction ran through his head as he waited. On that first day years ago Remus watched nervously as the first few students were called one at a time to the front where the sorting hat was placed upon their heads. Their names were all unfamiliar to him, except for Sirius Black. He remembered that name from the discussion the two girls in his car were having. He regarded the boy who walked confidently up to the front of the Great Hall. Sirius had an athletic gait. When he turned Remus saw that he was a good looking and well-groomed boy. Unlike Remus and the new students who sat around him, Sirius did not look nervous at all. He had an air that he had been doing this all his life. Remus remembered hearing on the train how the girl had said that Sirius was from an ancient and noble family and he wondered if this was what royalty looked and acted like. The hat called out "Gryffindor" and Remus had watched Sirius stride confidently over to that table.

There were no first year students this night who had Sirius' arrogant confidence, Remus noted. But then again, the Blacks were distinct that way. When the last student was sorted Remus was introduced as a new teacher and the room feasted to welcome in the new school year. At the end of the feast the students went to their respective houses and Mr. Filch took Remus to his newly assigned quarters. Along the way Remus saw Filch eye him suspiciously as if remembering all of the times he had caught Remus doing things he wasn't supposed to do, often in the company of Sirius, James, and Peter.

When Remus arrived at his new home, he was impressed by its ample size. Like all of Hogwarts, it had high ceilings, old paintings on the walls, a large fireplace, and was lit with candles. Remus began to unpack and prepare his materials for the next morning's class. The day had been a long one and Remus was still tired from the recent full moon. After a short preparation, he washed and readied for bed.

As he extinguished the candle in his bedroom, Remus turned to look out the window. The rain had stopped and the waning moon illuminated the school grounds that lay before him. In the distance he saw the shimmering lake. Beyond that was one of the school entrances being guarded by Dementors. Remus pictured the faraway Azkaban prison, a tower in the middle of a freezing ocean. It was impossible to escape from there and still live. Sirius, like James, like Lily, and like Peter, must also be dead.

But as he gazed out over the lake and let that thought of death pass through his mind, Remus felt the prickling sensation again. The scorpions had awoken suddenly and were scurrying to find the presence that had disturbed them. "Where are you?" Remus whispered to the landscape. "Are you really out there?"

_To readers and reviewers: Congrats to Remuslives23 and SomeoneAkaMe who correctly identified Draco Malfoy as the voice Remus hears while he is asleep/awake. While readers of POA are not expected to know that Draco is Sirius' cousin, Remus would know it. _


	6. Chapter 6 Look

_A newly added chapter to round out Remus' early experiences_

**6. Look **

Hogwarts had changed very little in the years since he had last been there, Remus noted. The scars of time and pain, of love and loss, of suffering and survival made no marks upon the sturdy walls as they did upon the hearts of humans. Remus watched the students as they hurried about at breakfast on their first day of class. He sat upon the dais in Great Hall drinking his tea as first years spoke quietly to one another, playing with their toast and nervously sizing up their roommates and future classmates. Some looked as if they were already at home in their new environment, while others were more wary of the journey they had just embarked upon. Yes, things had changed very little, Remus sighed. He was once one of the latter groups of students, so afraid of making friends and having his secret discovered. He remembered how his heart pounded that day and how he wished he could be more like James and Sirius: confident boys who did not doubt that they belonged at this wonderous school.

* * *

After the sorting was finished, Remus followed his prefects and head of house into the Gryffendor common room. "Girls to the left and boys up the stairs," the prefects shouted, although they could have spoken more quietly as no new student had dared make a sound. The boys trudged silently up, staying close together so as to not get lost by the changing directions of the staircases. Periodically they stopped before a door and the prefect would announce the name of the four boys who would inhabit the room inside. Remus' stomach turned. As a result of his affliction, he had been secluded from other children and had never had a friend, let alone a roommate before. What if his roommates didn't like him? What if they could tell what he was?

"Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettegrew, and James Potter, you four are in the room on the right," a burly sixth year prefect announced. Remus looked at Sirius, the only name he recognized, having heard it earlier that day on the train and during the sorting. Sirius was smiling and looking at James. That was the first time that Remus had noticed Sirius' eyes. They were grey and shining brightly with a happiness that Remus at that time could only imagine feeling. While grey itself in an unremarkable color, Sirius' eyes reminded Remus of the dawn sky on the mornings after he woke up from his transformation. It was always the first color he saw and it aways filled him with relief to know that he was human again. To him, it was the color of rebirth.

When they entered the room the found their trunks already lined up against a bed. Not knowing what else to do, Remus knelt down and began to work the lock. He didn't know what to say to these boys and turning away from them seemed to be the best idea at the time.

"Remus? That's your name isn't it?" a voice behind him asked. Remus turned back around to see James standing behind him, smiling, with his hand outstretched. "I'm James. James Potter. I thought that perhaps, before we started unpacking, we could get to know each other a little. Is that alright?"

Remus nodded, speechless that a boy wanted to get to know him. He reached for James' outstretched hand. "Alright," he said finally, smiling back. In the hours that followed, Remus got to know the three boys who would become his best friends. Like Remus, James was an only child. Peter had two older sisters and Sirius had a younger brother who, by the sound of his voice, Remus could tell he missed. Both James and Sirius lived in London, Sirius in the city center and James in one of the suburbs, and Peter lived in a city in the South. He learned that both James' father and Sirius' mother worked at the Ministry of Magic. James' father had what seemed to be a high level, administrative position, and Sirius' mother held a peerage position within the Wizengamot. Remus wondered if she was one of the members of that body who ordered him to be sent away after he had been bitten, but he didn't say anything. He had learned at an early age that it did no good to be bitter.

Through their conversation, their accents, and their stories, Remus knew that both Sirius and James were from wealthy families, although neither boy flaunted it before him. In fact, they were rather quite modest about it. It was Peter who peppered them with so many questions about their families, getting them to talk about things that should have gone unsaid. Peter was short and round. His hair was clipped close to his head like a recently shorn sheep. James and Sirius had longer, taller builds. James' hair was dark and messy, like he had forgotten to comb it. Remus noticed that he ran his hands through it absent-mindedly, as if attempting to tame it. Sirius' hair was dark like James', but longer. It was 1971 and the Beatles had made long hair quite popular for Muggle boys, although the fashion had not carried over to the wizarding world. The length of his hair and the way the thick locks fell into his eyes when he leaned forward made Sirius stand out among the other boys at Hogwarts, something that Remus had noticed when he saw Sirius at the sorting earlier that evening. As he took the Sorting Hat from his head and began to walk over to the Gryffendor bench, Sirius had reached up pushed his hair back from his face in a way that was almost graceful.

Peter liked to talk, so Remus sat back and just listened, looking down at his hands. After a while, he realized that it was only James and Peter talking. He looked up to see that Sirius was watching him. His grey eyes were no longer the color of a new dawn, but looked darker - like the sea right before a storm, a sign that things were going to change, although not necessarily for the better. Sirius gazed at him with curiousity, unashamed that he had been caught staring at Remus.

"What are you looking at?" Remus asked bravely. If his condition were obvious, he wanted to know now, before he got attached to these boys and would forever have to live, once more with a painful loss.

"Your eyes," Sirius answered, unflinching. The others turned towards Remus as well. "They are amazing. I'm not sure I've ever seen a color like that." Remus felt his face flush. "They're not brown exactly," Sirius continued, "more like a reddish-gold ..."

"'Amber.' I think that's what the color is called," James added, pushing his glasses up his nose as he stared at Remus. Remus shrugged and looked down once again. He was not used to being the center of attention and he did not like it.

The next day as the four new friends walked towards their first class, Remus became sharply aware that other students were looking at them. He heard whispers and saw heads turn in their direction as they passed. Even the portraits on the walls, seemed to be watching them, the painted figures moving from frame to frame in order to get a better look and gossiping quietly among themselves. He felt eyes boring into him and his face grew hot, wondering what was being said. He looked at James and Peter who walked on, eager to get to class, oblivious to the others around them. Sirius, however, seemed to stiffen and walked resolutely forward, jaw clenched. Remus could see that Sirius' eyes were the color of a frozen lake, cold and hard, blocking out the the sounds and sights that tried to penetrate their innocent happiness. It was not he who was the subject of the stares and gossip, Remus realized then. It was Sirius.

The looks and whispers continued as Remus and his roomates entered their classroom and sat down. "Quiet! Quiet, Everyone!" Professor Slughorn told them in a voice that was loud, yet animated. "My goodness, I've never seen a class quite loud so as this one. Well, welcome to Potions for first year students. I am Professor Slughorn." He pointed to the board behind him with his wand and they watched as his name appeared. "I am also the Head of House for Slytherin students, so I met half of you yesterday after the sorting. To get to know the rest of you, I will start with attendance. Let's see," Slugghorn walked over to his desk and picked up a piece of parchment and his glasses. He placed the glasses on his nose and was about to read the names when something on the page seemed to distract him.

"Black?" he questioned, looking up from the page, his eyes scanning the students before him. "Sirius Black?"

"Here, Sir," Sirius answered sitting up straighter in his seat. With his head held high, he met Slughorns gaze. Sirius' knuckles were white where they gripped the edges of his chair and his eyes were now the grey of storm clouds, dark and threathening.

"It says here you're in Gryffendor," Slugghorn said, looking back down at his page. "That can't be true."

"I'm sorry to contradict you, sir," Sirius replied in a tone that said he was actually not sorry, "But it is true."

"Really?" Slugghorn took off his glasses and bit one of the stems as he continued to look at Sirius. "Does your mother..."

And before he could finish the thought, Sirius cut across loudly. "Not that I know of, but I'm sure she will, soon enough."

Slugghorn nodded, continuing to hold the stem of his glasses between his teeth, as if in deep contemplation. "Your parents are great friends of mine and this is bound to upset them. I would hate to have this situation come between..."

Once again Sirius cut across, "I'm sure it won't, sir. In any case, since this is a class with both Gryffindors and Slytherins, I don't see how it matters."

Slughorn considered Sirius' words, nodded briefly, and continued on with the atttendance.

Throughout the dialogue with Slughorn, Remus watched Sirius carefully. His voice was strong and confident, yet Remus could tell that he was disturbed, especially when the professor brought up the subject of his family. Remus could tell that many of the Gryffindor students, like Remus, had no idea what was happening, whereas the Slytherins seemed to whisper and jostle one another, as if in on a private joke.

Back in their room that afternoon, Peter asked Sirius what Slughorn had been talking about. "It's nothing," Sirius said dismissively.

"Is it true that he knows your parents?" Peter asked, obviously impressed.

Sirius shrugged. "Probably. They know a lot of people."

"Did they want you to be in Slytherin then? Do you think they told Slughorn to make it happen? Can they switch you? Would another roommate move in with us if you had to move to Slytherin? How..."

"Shut up, Peter!" Sirius shouted, standing up to face his questioner. Remus looked up and Sirius' face was red. His eyes once again were the color of storm clouds and shone with piercing anger. "It's none of your business!"

"Look Peter," James said softly. It was then that Remus realized that James had understood all along what Slughorn had been referring to, but kept that information to himself out of respect for Sirius. "Were you listening at all in class? Slughorn said 'I'm great friends with...'" James imitated Slughorns voice and they all laughed, "about a hundred times. Don't worry about Sirius." James walked over and put his arm around Sirius' shoulders. "He's not going anywhere." He slid his arm off of Sirius and punched him playfully.

Sirius smiled and relaxed. He punched James back with sudden good nature. His eyes were soft now, like a grey housecat. "Can we please stop talking about Horace Bloody Slughorn?"

"His first name is really Horace?" Peter asked, looking eagerly at Sirius. Sirius turned away angrily and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

In the days and weeks to come, Remus, Peter, and James got to know Sirius' moods, which seemed to come and go quickly, although rather unpredictably. Things angered Sirius for no apparent reason. Letters from home would not bring a smile to his face, as it did for most students, but cause him to become sullen and snap at his roommates, most often Peter. Slytherins also seemed to bear the brunt of Sirius' wrath. He refrained from tormenting them, but did not shy away from confrontating them when things were said about him that he had rather not hear spoken out loud. However, for the most part Sirius was content to stay away from Slytherin boys, all but Severus Snape, that is.

Remus learned that James and Sirius had met Snape on the Hogwarts Express and had developed an instant dislike of him. "He's not even a Pureblood!" Remus heard Sirius sneer when talking to James about Snape and Remus felt himself shrink inside. He was a half-blood and although he had far more to worry about than his blood status, he did wonder what his roomates views were on the subject. At the time, the Wizarding world was very divided on the subject, with many Pureblooded witches and wizards feeling that they should have greater power.

James looked at Sirius curiously. "What does that matter?" he asked.

Sirius huffed, as if embarrassed by his words. "Well, it doesn't to me, of course, but most Slytherins care quite a bit about it. My family, for example..." he stopped talking and shook his head. "Never mind. I'm just saying...if Snape goes about like the other Slytherins, taking on airs, well, that's quite laughable." Remus breathed a sigh of relief so loud, that he didn't hear James' response.

Besides Snape, James and Sirius spoke endlessly about Quidditch. Both were huge fans and could not wait to cheer on the Gryffendor team at their upcoming match. One evening after dinner Remus sat on his bed attempting to read his homework while James and Sirius sat on their beds discussing the pros and cons of each player on their favorite teams.

"I like Quidditch, too," Peter told them, anxious to be included in their conversation. "My sisters follow the Holyhead Harpies, but that's an all girls team, so they couldn't be that good."

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked him sharply. "Have you ever seen them play?"

'Well, n-n-no," Peter stuttered. "I just thought..."

"You just thought that girls aren't fierce Quidditch Players? Well, you're wrong about that! My cousins Bellatrix and Andromeda played on the team when they were at Hogwarts and they are extremely strong competitors! Any boy would take them on at his own risk."

Peter seemed chastised and said nothing, but Remus could tell he wanted desparately to follow up with another question about Sirius' family. An uncomfortable silence fell over them and, uncharacteristically, Remus broke it. "Are you going to try out for the team when you get the chance?" he asked Sirius.

Sirius nodded, "James and I both are. How about you, Remus? Do you play?"

Remus shook his head. "No. I grew up near a Muggle village, so I don't even know the rules."

James looked incredulous, like he had never heard of such a thing. "Really?" he asked Remus. Remus nodded.

Sirius smiled at James, "We'll have to show him then," he said mischieviously.

"Right," said James, and the two of them bounded over and jumped on Remus' bed. They told him about Snitches and Seekers, Beaters and Bludgers, Goals and Quaffles, and then it was on to strategy.

"So," said Sirius after a long winded explanation that Remus tried hard to understand, "Let's say your hands are the goal and..." the lesson in strategy continued but Remus stopped listening. Sirius had taken Remus' hands in his own and held them in place as if they represented a Quidditch goalpost. It was a simple, meaningless gesture, but Remus' consiousness could focus on nothing else. Sirius was touching him. No one had ever done that before. No one, besides his parents, had ever been so comfortable as to take his hands within their own. He looked up at Sirius. Sirius' mouth continued to move and his eyes were once again the color of dawn as he spoke excitedly about his favorite game, but Remus could only feel the warmth of Sirius' skin against his own. His fingertips were rough, but the skin on the back of his hands felt smooth. Everything about the moment was sensual, like a light summer rain. And like that summer rain, he took in Sirius' scent as if it were just as sweet. Sirius smelled of warm blankets and cool grass, of windswept gardens and moonless, starry nights. And beneath the scent of classroom potions and the soap they used at Hogwarts Remus detected a faint, masculine musky smell. As Remus breathed in Sirius' scent he thought he had never smelled anything so clean, so pure and so incredibly real.

And then Remus became aware of something else, a prickling sensation deep within his stomach. The feeling that insects or scorpions were scurrying inside of him.

That night he dreamed he was flying on his broom over the Quidditch pitch. It was wonderful and Remus felt the wind whip through his hair as he laughed loudly with a joy he had never had before. Sirius flew up beside him. He took his hand off of his broom and reached for Remus. Remus, wanting desparately to feel his touch again, let go of his broom to grasp Sirius' hand and suddenly they were falling. They clung tightly to each other as they fell through the now still air. In his dream, Remus was not afraid. Instead he felt a satifsying sense of release to be held by Sirius and feel nothing else but the strength of his warm hands and see nothing but the depths of his curiously grey eyes.

When he awoke there was no doubt in his mind what had happened to him during the dream. He was eleven years old and he knew this was not something to be ashamed of, but still his heart pounded with embarrassment as he felt grateful to the privacy provided by the curtains that surrounded his bed. He lay still, listening to the sounds of his sleeping roommates, trying to ignore the damp stickiness of his bedclothes, the visions of flying with Sirius, and the crawling, gnawing sensation in his belly.

* * *

The students rose from the Great Hall to make their way to class and Remus put down his teacup, still thinking of the day he first felt the scorpions. In the years that followed, the scorpions would return, clawing at his insides, warning him away or torturing him for his cowardice - he was never sure which message they were trying to send. But one thing was for certain: it was Sirius that caused it. But why did being close to Sirius, or thinking about him excessively, bring on the scorpions? He had wanted to believe this strange sensation was caused by something in his animal nature; the wolf sensing danger. But as Remus knew all too well that the wolf was telling himself something else entirely.


	7. Chapter 7 Connect

_A/N: Remus remembers what could be an important connection._

**7. Connect**

Remus was headed down the corridor towards the Great Hall when he saw the young girl fall. She was small for her age and must have tripped over something, perhaps the tangle her companions' much larger feet. Almost immediately the teacher with the black cloak and oily black hair reached down and helped her up. Remus saw the girl look up, smile and utter words of thanks. Snape did not reply to her nor return her smile. But in his touch, Remus noted, was the tenderness of a man who was committed to caring for this generation of children.

Snape had been much disliked by James and Sirius and, by extension, Remus and Peter. If it wasn't for James and Sirius constantly pointing out Snape's faults to him, Remus knew that he probably wouldn't have noticed let alone disliked Snape. Deep down, Remus knew that he could have BEEN Snape; that is, an oddball kid who attracts the negative attention of the more attractive and popular students. For this reason, he always felt badly when James and Sirius went after Snape in vindictive ways. As a prefect he made attempts to get them to change their ways, grow up, and leave Snape alone, but he was often unsuccessful. The most he could get was James admitting after the fact that he probably shouldn't have done what he had so obviously enjoyed doing.

The prank, however, nearly caused Remus to break off his friendship with Sirius and James, particularly Sirius. He only became aware of the prank after the fact when James sheepishly told him what had happened and Sirius had not yet come back from detention with McGonagall. Remus was livid and the anger had only built up within him by the time he saw Sirius.

"How could you? Didn't you think about what this could do to me?" he shouted at Sirius, "Do you want me to be expelled? That's what's going to happen you know! Now that Snape knows he'll tell everyone and no one will want to be in school with a werewolf!"

Sirius brushed off Remus' fears with a haughty wave of his hand. "Nothing will happen. He doesn't know it was you. I didn't tell him it was you. I just said that we were going to see a werewolf and he came along willingly."

"Despite what you and Prongs think, he is not that dense! Snape will put the pieces together eventually and then…" Remus couldn't go on. The reality was too painful as was the fact that he had been betrayed by his friend.

"Then ask Dumbledore to tell Snape not to expose you. He likes you. He put himself on the line to have you here. He doesn't want to face the wrath of angry students and parents any more than you do." Sirius' confident arrogance was maddening. Everything was so easy for him and rather than being a comfort to Remus, it made him even more enraged.

"I could have killed him! Did you ever think about that?"

Sirius gave a short laugh. "Well, that wouldn't have been much of a loss…"

Remus didn't wait for him to finish. "It's not funny! Sure, it's all a joke to you; a way to punish Snape for being Lily Evans' friend, but to me, to me this is my life! I am a danger to people and I work hard to protect myself and other from that. Then you just go and flaunt it! For you, it's just another way to amuse James!"

"I didn't do it for James. I did it for you." There was a noticeable shift in Sirius' tone that Remus immediately recognized but did not completely understand. He looked up at Sirius and could not help but trap himself once again in Sirius' gaze. He felt his stomach flip with a feeling he could not face, so he turned away and listened. "James can take care of himself. I don't care whether Lily agrees to go out with him someday or not. What I care about is helping you to keep your secret. Snape's been sneaking around, following us for months, trying to figure out what we're up to. I thought if I could scare him, if I could convince him that we were just going to see a werewolf once a month, he'd finally leave us alone. The worst he could do was to tell the Headmaster and, well, Dumbledore wouldn't punish us for being your friend."

Remus looked up again. Sirius' eyes and his voice now held only sadness. "I'm sorry, Moony. I'm sorry I didn't work out all of the details and it didn't go according to plan." Sirius really did sound contrite, but Remus wasn't quite ready to forgive him.

"When James left to take Snape away there was only the two of you to control me. You placed James in the awkward position of choosing who to protect. I could have hurt you or Peter without him there." If he couldn't make Sirius feel badly about risking Snapes life, then Remus wanted him to feel bad about James and about risking his own and Peter's lives for the sake of the prank, as well as risking Remus' future at the school.

Sirius looked directly at Remus. Although Sirius had always been a friend to Remus, he affected a demeanor that his friendly attitude could change in an instance if you got on his bad side. He had a bad temper and was often arrogant and cruel. That was the side of Sirius which made Remus wary of trusting him completely. But when, at that moment, Sirius looked into Remus' eyes, Remus felt his the fire of his anger cool. He saw the strength and commitment of Sirius' friendship. He saw the warmth of brotherhood and love that existed between them. The grey eyes were soft and compassionate as he spoke in a voice that was intimate with the belief that trust between the two of them was implicit. "I thought you knew, but of course that's impossible." He paused, keeping his eyes fixed on Remus. "It's always me, Moony. I'm the one you respond to when you're the wolf, not the others. I'm the one who takes care of you."

And then, in the kindness and sincerity of Sirius' gaze, Remus forgave him.

Remus tried to befriend Snape when he arrived to teach at Hogwarts, but Snape rebuffed him. On the first weekend after he arrived he found Snape after breakfast. "Severus, I'm going into Hogsmeade and I was wondering if you would like to join me?"

Snape eyed him suspiciously, "Why?"

Remus was taken aback by his response. "Why?" he repeated, "I don't know, perhaps you have errands to run and might want some company. It's been years since I've been there, maybe there are things you think I should see or know."

"No," snapped Snape, walking away from Remus.

Later that month, Remus tried again. "I'm planning to take a walk after dinner. It stopped raining and I thought we should enjoy these warm evenings while they last. Would you like to come with me? Also, I would very much like to know what potions you are working on with your sixth year students. I thought that perhaps we could collaborate in some areas and wanted your input."

Snape looked down at Remus in a way that accentuated his long nose, "Lupin, I am not your friend. Please don't try to make me your friend."

"Why not?" Remus tried to keep from laughing at this almost adolescent statement.

"I think after seven years as your classmate I have plenty of reasons for not wanting to more spend time with you than I have to." Snapes eyes bore into Remus as he said this.

"Understood," Remus nodded. "But, Severus, how old are you?"

Snape looked shocked by the question. "I imagine the same age as you, thirty-three."

"Don't you think we are too old to be held down by the prejudices of our youth? I thought that Dumbledore's forgiving you for your past sins might encourage you to forgive me for mine." Remus was sincere as he said this for he did feel badly for not coming to Snape's aid when he was a student, but his words seemed to agitate Snape.

"Dumbledore has made me pay dearly to gain his forgiveness. You don't want to know what I would want of you in order to forgive you for years of torment." And with that he left Remus.

Remus decided to allow Snape his privacy and avoided him over the next few weeks. But as Remus felt September's approaching full moon, he once again sought out the Potions Master. As he entered Snape's office he cleared his throat. "Severus, I have a favor to ask," he began. Snape didn't look up. "I understand that you know about my affliction." Snape raised his head and shot him a look as if Remus was joking. "Right, of course you do. Well, I was hoping you could do me a favor and make me the Wolfbane potion. I usually take it on the day before and on the day of the full moon. Is that something you could do for me? I know that you said…"

"Yes, Lupin, I can do it for you," Snape said in an exasperated tone. "I can also cover your classes while you are indisposed. In return, I would be happy if you just left me alone."

Remus agreed, thanked Snape, and wondered how he could get Snape to stop loathing him. It wasn't that he particularly enjoyed Snape, but he liked to have a good relationship with those with whom he worked.

Remus got on well with the rest of the staff. While the teachers who had been at Hogwarts when he was a student remembered him, none seemed to remember his close relationship with James Potter and Sirius Black. Remus expected that was because the two other boys were a force of nature and overshadowed all those who were near them. When he was a student, Remus did not mind being in their shadow and now he was even more grateful for that. It prevented unwanted questions.

He also got on well with his students and they appeared to truly enjoy his classs. Even the Slytherins, who by tradition detested Defense Against the Dark Arts, had a good time with his Boggart. Despite his efforts to the contrary, Remus found himself growing fond of Harry Potter. While he looked like James, as far as Remus could tell, he had Lily's demeanor. He was respectful, engaging, eager to trust, and worked hard at his studies. It surprised Remus that he felt an almost fatherly pride when he looked at Harry as well as a parental rage he felt when he thought the boy could be harmed.

On the first day of classes Remus learned that the blond boy who had been harassing Harry on the train platform was Draco Malfoy. He remembered that the boy's father Lucius had been a Slytherin prefect when Remus was a student. Remus knew that there was something else he should know about the boy, something important, but he couldn't remember what it was. The memory eluded him until one beautiful September afternoon when he was sitting in the courtyard and several pretty sixth year girls passed him laughing and tossing their hair in the warm sunlight.

It had been on a similar September day when he was a first year that he and the other Gryffindors were sitting outside the castle in nearly the same spot where Remus was now. A group of sixth year girls walked by led by a tall girl with long blond hair. She tossed her hair and Remus was stunned by her beauty. To him she looked like a model from one of his mother's Muggle fashion magazines. The only difference was that this girl was wearing her school robes as opposed to a Pucci mini-dress and go-go boots that were in fashion that year. All of the eleven year old boys stared at her speechlessly as she approached, except for Sirius who called out to her in a confident, sarcastic voice, "Hello Sexy!"

The girl looked down at him. There was no look of surprise in her face that he had spoken to her. In fact, she looked as if she knew him. "Sod off, Flubberworm," she said dismissively as she turned back to her friends and rolled her eyes.

Sirius smiled and spoke in a false, yet sultry way, "Oh baby, I love it when you talk to me that way." The girls giggled and Sirius wolf whistled at them as they walked away, doing their best to ignore him. The boys around him were all speechless with shock that Sirius had the nerve to talk to an older, beautiful girl that way. But when they learned the truth, they were less impressed by his brazen antics.

"Of course! The beautiful Miss Cissy Black" Remus said to himself, smiling as he caught sight of Draco Malfoy flanked by the two friends who always followed him, "is now Mrs. Lucius Malfoy." There was the connection he had forgotten. Narcissa Malfoy was Sirius' cousin and despite the teasing that often occurred between them, they had been close when they were young. Excitement grew within Remus. The Malfoy's were well-known practitioners of the Dark Arts and fearless supporters of Voldemort. If Sirius had betrayed the Potters, Remus reasoned, then the Malfoy's would know about it. They would have been in on the deception from the beginning. Draco could be the key to his finding out the truth.

"What am I doing?" Remus asked himself when he returned to his rooms later that afternoon. "My job is to fulfill my duty to Dumbledore and protect Harry. Why am I trying to prove Sirius' innocence after all these years?"

But as he felt the scorpions squirm and flick their tongues beneath his skin, Remus realized that he already knew the answer.

_To readers and reviewers: I hope you are enjoying this story. Thank you Julie for your nice comments. What looks like effortlessness in reality reflects how much fun writing this is. Thank you SomeoneAKAMe and ShinyObjects for taking the time to write reviews. Thanks to everyone who reads this. _


	8. Chapter 8 Entwine

_A/N: Remember, I don't let OCs stay around too long, so don't worry if you hate them. The other characters I didn't create, I just borrow._

**8. Entwine**

Snape's potion put Remus to sleep just as well as the ones that Julia had made for him. It began to wear off the following evening and Remus got into the shower. The water rushed forcefully from the faucet and beat loudly down onto the tiles. The sound was deafening. The lights went out suddenly and Remus reached out for his wand that he had placed on top of the sink. As his hand groped in the darkness, Remus was shocked when instead of touching the cold porcelain of the sink, he touched something warm. In disbelief, Remus' fingers searched the strange object and discovered he was touching another hand. He allowed his fingers to run down the hand until their fingertips met. Remus could feel the lines and ridges of the fingerprints and they tingled against his own. Slowly the other fingers began to move, brushing Remus' hand, intertwining with his fingers, sliding along his palm. He knew he should move and discover who was in his bathroom, but Remus was paralyzed by the erotic sensations rushing and pulsating through his body. Before he could even think about a course of action, the hand grabbed his and pulled him swiftly from the shower. The two bodies connected in the darkness and every nerve within Remus felt electrified, cracking with anticipation. The water continued to pound against the tiles in the background as their lips met. Their arms encircled each other and they held each other tightly so that nothing could part them. Their mouths opened and their tongues circled, touched, and teased. Remus wanted nothing more than to possess this body which had so ignited his in the darkness. He heard a loud crash and then a bright flash penetrated his eyelids. Disappointed, he opened his eyes to realize that he had been dreaming during a thunderstorm.

Remus listened to the sound of the rain beating down on to the slate roof as he continued to lie in bed. What did the other staff members do, he wondered? Did they have wives, husbands, or lovers? Did they go home at night to the warmth of a loving companion or were they all living here in scholastic celibacy? Or were they like Dumbledore, trying to forget a love from the past? It was Saturday night ,he realized, and he thought of all the women he had been with throughout his years, wondering if those times were over now that he was a teacher.

Remus was relieved that his first transformation during the school year occurred on a weekend. He was lucky that he would not have to miss teaching, as he would be feeling better by Monday morning. When he was a student he hated having to miss class because of the full moon and was wary of the attention it drew among his friends and especially his roommates. During his first year he made up excuses, running out of new ones by the time the school year was over. His first summer holiday was marred by his preoccupation with how he could keep his affliction hidden for one more year.

When he returned to Hogwarts for as a second year student he was as happy to see his roommates as they were to see him. However, he noticed Sirius and James exchanging glances with each other and it seemed to him that they were looking for a chance to talk to Remus alone whenever Peter was absent. This made him nervous and he tried to find excuses not to be alone with them. Finally, Sirius took matters into his own hands. Sirius sent Peter on a lengthy errand and prevented Remus from volunteering to join him. Once Peter was gone, James locked the door of their room. He and Sirius came over and sat down on either side of Remus who was sitting on his bed.

It was James who spoke first. "Remus, we know," he said firmly, although not unkindly.

"You know what?" Remus said, feigning ignorance but he felt himself turning beet red. He knew what they meant.

"Really, Remus," Sirius rolled his eyes. "You know where I come from. You know what kind of a family mine is. How long did you think it would take me to figure it out? I'm not stupid you know."

Sirius had spoken is his usual manner and Remus had trouble distinguishing whether he was angry, exasperated, or joking so he said nothing, waiting for the punishment to fall.

James seemed to sense Remus' discomfort and took over. "It's okay. We won't tell anyone. We'll help protect you. No one needs to know but us. We're your best mates, right?"

Sirius smiled and answered for Remus. "Of course we are! This is very cool. Do you have any pets?"

Remus was still reeling from his roommates' unexpected response. "Pets? Erm, no. Why?"

Sirius shrugged, "Animals are safe from werewolves. I thought you might have company when you…you know." He mimed the transformation and laughed.

"No….no company, just me. It's a nice idea, though." Remus found his spirits were rising. He was no longer afraid and even found Sirius' pantomime amusing.

"So do you really go home during the full moon or do you go someplace else?" Sirius asked him.

"I go to the Shrieking Shack," Remus told them. "Madam Pomfrey takes me."

"The Shrieking Shack? Really?" James and Sirius said, nearly in unison. They sounded impressed by this act of fearlessness. Remus nodded.

James patted Remus' shoulder. "When Sirius told me I started thinking of other ways we could help you. You know, so you don't have to be alone and I had an idea. Do you know what an animagus is?"

It was always like that, Remus recalled as he listened to the rain. The thunderstorm had passed into the distance, but the rain continued its steady patter on the roof. They were always there for each other. What would have caused that to change?

It was true that some things had changed when they left school. Peter became more distant, but he was never as close to them as he would have liked. James and Sirius were closest to each other, but Remus had never been as close to Peter as he was to either Sirius or James. Towards the end James and Sirius became more preoccupied with protecting Harry than they were with other aspects of the Order. Sirius, Remus remembered, seemed distressed by the number of deaths on both sides of the conflict. After Sirius went to Azkaban, Remus saw Sirius' distress as an indication that he had connections with Death Eaters, but now, in retrospect, Remus wondered if it was just indicative of Sirius' concern for all life.

There was more to Sirius than met the eye, Remus had learned over the years. He was not just the privileged son of an ancient, pureblood, wizard family. He was not just an arrogant, reckless, and overconfident athlete. No, Remus thought to himself, there was a deeper, more soulful side to Sirius that he rarely let people see. So rarely did he show this side to others that Remus had believed for the past twelve years that perhaps it didn't exist at all; that Remus had just imagined it in order to believe that what existed between them was special. But it was this side of Sirius that James had seen when he made Sirius Harry's godfather. It was this side of Sirius that cared for Remus during his transformations and comforted him when he was young and had nightmares. It was this side of Sirius that caused Remus to doubt whether Sirius could have committed the crimes for which he had been accused. It caused Remus to doubt that killing Harry Potter was Sirius' true intention when he escaped from Azkaban.

But as Remus turned over onto his side and stared out the window at the grey sky, he thought of the other reality. James and Lily were betrayed by their Secret Keeper. Peter was killed along with a crowd of Muggles when he met up with Sirius. Sirius laughed when they took him away, as if he had been happy that his work was complete.

But it wasn't complete, Remus realized as he sat up in bed. If Sirius had planned to help Voldemort kill Harry, yet Harry still lived while the Dark Lord was gone, then why had Sirius laughed? "It doesn't make sense," Remus said, shaking his head and sinking back down onto the pillow. "It never made sense."

It was a beautiful Saturday in mid-October when Remus ventured into Hogsmeade. Dry leaves danced about in the warm breeze that became colder as he passed the Dementors waiting at the school gates. Remus cast the Patronus charm and passed by them unharmed. He first went to The Three Broomsticks in hope of hearing some gossip from the townspeople about Sirius Black and how the search was going, but the pub appeared to be full of Ministry people, Aurors most likely, and the few residents of Hogsmeade who were there seemed reluctant to talk.

The Hogs Head was not any better in providing Remus with the information he sought. "If you ask me," the barkeep who Remus knew slightly from his years in The Order told him, "Dementors are not going to work. They let Black escape once. What makes the Ministry think they'll be successful this time?"

"Aberforth, you knew him. What did you think when you heard what he had done to the Potters – to his best friend?" Remus asked tentatively. He didn't want to give away his own feelings.

Alberforth shrugged, "I learned long ago that people aren't always who you think they are. Even the strongest people are tempted by power." Remus paid for his drink and left, saddened by the truth of the other man's words.

To distract himself from the futility of his search for answers and to take advantage of this beautiful day in Hogsmeade, Remus went into the bookstore. The bookstore was relatively small, but had a good selection of both Muggle and Wizard titles. The bookseller smiled at Remus as he entered. She was pretty, he noticed. She had curly red hair and light blue eyes. He turned down the aisle that held the Muggle books.

He was reading from a book of poetry when she came up behind him. "Not too many people visit this section," the bookseller said lifting her arms and pointing to indicate the Muggle books as Remus turned to look at her.

"I like to broaden my horizons," Remus told her with a smile. She was very pretty up close and her eyes were so light that they were closer in color to icy grey than actual blue. Remus and the bookseller started talking about books and eventually she offered him a chair. She introduced herself as Polly and said that she owned the store. Polly seemed very interested that Remus was a teacher at Hogwarts and they talked about the school, the Dementors, and the Aurors that had been into her store. Remus spent a pleasant afternoon with Polly and when she was closing, he invited her to The Three Broomsticks for a drink.

"It's too crowded there," she said dismissively. "But I have a bottle of wine at my house, if you would like to come over and have a glass." Remus agreed and they walked together to her small, neat house on the edge of town. One glass led to two and soon they finished the bottle. There was talk of making dinner but the closest they got to preparing a meal was shagging up against the kitchen counter.

"I'd invite you to stay," Polly said to him afterwards as he sorted through the various pieces of clothing strewn across the floor, "but my husband…"

"Your WHAT!" Remus looked at her, his eyes widened with surprise.

She blushed and stammered, "I, I thought you knew. The reason I didn't want to go out in public, and the wedding pictures…" Remus had been so taken with her looks that he had not noticed any pictures. Polly continued apologetically. "He travels a lot, so maybe some other time…" she trailed off vaguely and Remus nodded, although the last thing he wanted was the wrath of a jealous husband.

It was dark when Remus left Polly's house. Despite that disappointing revelation at the end of the evening, he did have a good time with her. He thought of the dream he had had after his last transformation. At least he had the chance to relieve some of the tension that had been building within him and take his mind off of Sirius, James, the things that had happened in the past, and what was happening in the present with Harry. The sex had put him in a much better mood than the one he had been in earlier, Remus thought as he entered the village. Wishing that the afterglow from the shag would last longer than a few minutes, he cursed the Dementors who would be waiting at the school gates because he knew that they would steal the satisfied feeling from him. He even contemplated breaking into Honeydukes, find the trap door and…

Remus stopped dead and stared at the darkened candy shop. The passages! He had nearly forgotten about them. There were many ways of getting into the school without ever going through the school gates. He knew them all and, of course, Sirius knew them all. If Sirius wanted Harry, he could get to him without ever meeting a Dementor or without ever being seen by anyone. It would be so easy for him that if he wanted to do it, he would have done it already.

Sirius was not here, Remus realized. He was not coming. Remus did not know whether he was relieved or disappointed.

_To readers and reviewers: Thank you MissFreddy, RemusLives23, ShinyObjects, SomeoneAKA and everyone who has requested story alerts. I hope you like this chapter too._


	9. Chapter 9 Ache

_A/N: LadyAnalyn keeps me honest- yes, I know Remus tells Harry that the potion makes him a harmless wolf, curling up under his desk, but couldn't that be just a metaphor? Isn't it better to have Remus sleeping it off in bed having sex dreams?_

**9. Ache**

The students went to Hogmeade on Halloween and the school was quiet. Remus was happy to have the opportunity to get some extra work done in his office. The full moon would interfere with his teaching obligations the following week and he needed to have lessons prepared for Snape as well as lessons for himself when he regained his strength and was able to teach again. Some of the staff who were also going into the village and had invited Remus to join them, but he declined. Besides the amount of work he had to do, he decided it would be better if he stayed away from Polly for awhile.

The Grindylow that had arrived stared back at Remus from inside its tank. It was odd looking creature and Remus recalled the first time he had seen one. He had been exploring the bogs on the other side of the lake with James, Sirius, and Peter. It was a hot day at the end of the school year and they had taken off their shirts, shoes, and rolled up the legs of their trousers. Vividly Remus recalled the swampy smell from the far side of the black lake and the whip-like sting of the tall bog grass as it bushed against his shins. They must have been fourteen or fifteen because James' and Sirius' bony chests were beginning to show the definition of the muscles they would be so proud of in a couple years.

Sirius and James had run ahead, while Remus lagged behind with Peter. Peter was not built like the others. He was much shorter and stockier and wheezed when he tried to run for too long. While not an athlete, Remus could keep up fairly well, but because of the approaching full moon he was not feeling his best that day. His strength seemed to melt away in the stifling heat and the humidity clung to his lungs, making it difficult for him to breathe. He stopped to catch his breath while his eyes followed Sirius and James moving further into the distance, their dark heads disappearing behind the tall reeds.

Remus heard James swear loudly and suddenly. Sirius shouted, "Bloody Hell!" and Peter and Remus sped up to see what had happened. They found James and Sirius standing in the lake, up to their knees in the dirty water. Their jeans were soaked and their bare chests were splattered with mud. A Grindylow had attached onto James' leg and Sirius, hair falling into his eyes, was trying to pull him off.

He would have liked to say that he stood there, fascinated by the strange, magical creature that thrashed around, holding tenatiously onto James' leg, but in truth Remus hardly noticed it. Instead, his eyes were drawn unwillingly to the figure of Sirius. Remus had never been comfortable about his own body; the way it weakened before a full moon and then transformed into the wolf shamed him. During his early years at Hogwarts his body changed, as did the other students, and it caused no less embarrassment for him when his voice warpled and cracked when answering questions in class. But Sirius was different. Sirius was always different. His voice changed seemlessly into a rich baritone and if he had pimples, he healed them flawlessly before anyone could notice. His body grew and filled out propotionally without awkward lankiness. Now, shirtless and wet, he appeared to Remus like a beautiful, mythical boy, arisen from the dark water and mud, to the light of that summer day where his kind truly belonged. Remus' eyes traveled from Sirius' tousle of thick, black hair, down his broad shoulder, along his pale expanse of chest, followling the faint line of soft hairs that started at his navel and disappeared beneath his waistband. The heat began to overwhelm him as he felt the clawing of scorpions inside the depth of his stomach. He faltered, just as James looked up.

"Wormtail, get over here and help us!" James called.

Peter looked imploringly at Remus. Magical creatures, especially slimy ones, frightened him. Remus nodded and moved towards James.

"No!" Sirius shouted. Remus saw the muscles flexing in his arms as he struggled to hold onto the creature. He shook the hair from his eyes to look at Peter. "Don't tell Moony to do it! He needs to conserve his strength for later. Stop whining, Wormtail, and get your arse over here!"

Peter reluctantly moved forward towards James and Sirius. Once he was with them he acted as if it had all been a joke, his not wanting to help, but Remus had been close enough to him to see the resentment that flashed in his eyes when he looked at Sirius.

While Remus knew that it was a trick of fate that he was friends with James and Sirius, it was even more so for Peter. Peter, Remus remembered, was the type of boy who would follow you to the edge of the cliff but when you got there, you could be sure that you would be making that leap alone. Peter liked the idea of being friends with the much cooler and much more reckless Sirius and James, but didn't truly have the stomach for their adventures. Remus had enough self esteem to decline their invitations if he didn't want to be involved, but Peter never did. He'd commit to whatever they wanted to do, but often backed out at the very end, provoking Sirius' temper.

They were all so different from one another in personality. James was the one who held them all together. He never wanted anyone to feel excluded. Like Remus, James was an only child, but unlike Remus who had gotten used to being alone, James never did. He liked to be surrounded by his roommates, especially Sirius, at all times. James and Lily had planned on having more children because James hated that thought of Harry being a lonely, only child, as he had been.

Just as the thought was passing through Remus' mind, he saw Harry walk past his office door. Because the halls were so devoid of students, it surprised Remus that at first he wondered if he had imagined it. He called out to Harry, and Harry came to his doorway. Before he could stop himself he invited Harry in and the two of them were alone, having tea.

Only a few months ago Remus would have done anything to avoid this moment; spending time alone with Harry Potter, making conversation. But it surprised him how easy it was. He fell into talking to Harry like an old friend or an uncle. They joked about tea leaves and talked about the Boggart. Remus felt that they really understood each other. He found himself wondering if, someday, he could tell Harry how well he had known James. And, maybe, Harry would allow him to become close in the way that James wanted them to before everything had gone so horribly wrong.

Remus could barely hide his displeasure when they were interrupted by Snape bearing a goblet of potion. He could see in Snape's eyes that he was having déjà vu, seeing Remus sitting with the boy who looked so much like his old friend – two of the four individuals who had made his school years a living hell. Once again, Remus felt badly about the past and wondered if he had to worry about Snape revealing all to Harry, jeopardizing Remus' chance at a relationship with the boy.

After Snape left, it became obvious that Harry felt the same about Severus as his father did. Harry could barely hide his distain for the teacher and watched in fear as Remus drank the smoking potion. Remus enjoyed his time with Harry so much it made him wonder why he had feared meeting the boy. He hoped they would have the opportunity to spend time together again.

As Remus watched Harry leave he remarked again how much Harry resembled James. With the exception of his green eyes, from his gait to his messy hair he was all James.

"I'm so glad you saw him," he had said to Sirius. Sirius had come to Remus' flat after seeing the newborn Harry. "What does he look like?"

Sirius shrugged. Something was bothering him, Remus could tell. "I don't know. He looks like a baby, I guess."

"Does he look more like James or Lily?" Remus prompted.

"James, I'd say" Sirius said, after some thought. "He has black hair, anyway. I don't know much about kids, so if you want more information, you should ask Lily, or ask Prongs if you can see him." There was silence and Sirius began to pace.

"What's wrong?" Remus asked from where he sat on the sofa.

Sirius stopped pacing and turned. "They asked me to be Harry's godfather."

"Congratulations!" Remus said with true enthusiasm. "That's quite an honor."

"It's an honor I don't deserve." Sirius' voice was dark as he said this.

"Of course you do! You've always been a great friend to James. He knows that you'll always be there for Harry, just as you've always been there for him," Remus said encouragingly. "And for me," he added.

"I just feel guilty. I'm not the person he thinks I am. He's the one who makes me good. Without him, if I hadn't met him…" Sirius shook his head. Remus knew he was thinking of the future that could have been if he hadn't been sorted into Gryffendor, if he had pursued the future his family saw for him, if he had taken the path that his younger brother had taken and become a Death Eater.

"You don't know that," Remus said softly. "You have to believe you've had this inside yourself all along."

"And then," Sirius looked at Remus. "And then there's the fact that I'm not honest with him. He thinks that I share everything with him but I don't."

"But you don't do that maliciously. You aren't dishonest with him to hurt him." Remus didn't want to have this conversation, although he knew they should someday. "Come here," he told Sirius. Sirius sat next to him on the sofa. Remus put his arm around Sirius' shoulder in an effort to encourage and comfort him. "You'll be a great godfather." Sirius lifted his head, turned, and looked at Remus. Their eyes met and…

"No," Remus shouted out loud in his empty office. He closed his eyes tightly, fighting off the ache that the memory brought forth. While he had allowed himself to indulge in his schoolboy recollections of Sirius since he returned to Hogwarts, there were some places within the thick mist of his mind that he would not allow himself to go. Places which were so sacred to him that he feared that in revisiting them he might learn that they had never existed at all. Places where he had traveled alone and in secret to meet the person he felt he knew better and more deeply than any other. Places that came back to him in dreams and made him wonder if that was where they had always lived.

Remus tried to refocus his thoughts. Harry was fine. Sirius was not going to kill him. Whatever reason Sirius had for escaping from Azkaban (and, really, who could blame him?) Remus was sure that it wasn't to kill Harry. Sirius could enter the school without anyone knowing and he had not. However, Remus still felt the desire to discover what had happened that night long ago. How did Voldemort find the Potters if Sirius did not betray them? He still remembered Draco Malfoy and was waiting patiently for the right moment to find out what, if anything, Draco knew.

That night at the Halloween feast, Remus was in a good mood. The Great Hall looked like it always had on that occasion and everyone was in high spirits. Remus had planned to eat and leave early in order to get more work done, but he was convinced to stay by Flitwick, who was especially amusing that night. He thoroughly enjoyed himself and was grateful to have such wonderful colleagues who genuinely liked and accepted him. He felt optimistic that Snape would come around as well.

Flitwick invited Remus to join him and some of the other professors who had plans to play cards after dinner. This was apparently something they did from time to time and Remus was happy to be included, despite the work that was waiting for him. He had been a good card player in his youth, spending many hours enjoying games with James, Sirius, and Peter. But before they could start, Minerva McGonagall came running into the staff room exclaiming that Sirius Black was in the castle.

Quickly everyone was assigned an area to search and they separated, dashing off to their designated areas. All of the staff were on high alert and all of the students were scared. Remus' head was pounding. "It's not possible," he told himself. He had so convinced himself that this was not Sirius' true intention that he was thoroughly shocked at how wrong he had been. Had he been trying so hard to believe that Sirius was innocent that he had overlooked what everyone, even people with more knowledge of Sirius over the past twelve years, knew?

When the search was complete and it was determined that Sirius was not hiding in the castle, Remus heard the whole story. There was no doubt that Sirius was trying to get into the Gryffendor tower. He was trying to get to Harry. While everyone felt nothing but fear at the prospect, Remus felt only the ache of regret. He had been wrong.

But another thought bubbled up through his misery. Sirius was here. He had been so near that Remus could have touched him If Remus had not been encouraged by Flitwick to linger, there was a chance he would have run directly into Sirius on his way back to his office. He would have fixed his eyes once more on Sirius' and looked deep within him. "And then what?" he asked himself. Would he have turned Sirius over to the Dementors or would he have let him escape again? Remus felt a dull ache in his chest and then a sharp pain as the scorpions tore into his flesh.

_To readers and Reviewers: Hei Mr. Breks – Mita Kuuluu? Kiitos for the nice review. Sorry about trashing OCs RemusLives23. I'm glad you like them and use them wisely, but I know they turn off a lot of readers. Thank you Jogger, I wrote this because I have the same questions you have. Thank you MissFreddy, SomeoneAkaMe, and Lanien for your input. It's always great to hear from anyone. _


	10. Chapter 10 Err

_A/N: Just borrowing these characters. _

**10. Err**

This moon was harsh and it took him longer than usual to recover. Some months were like that. If Remus were a more cynical man, he would have accused Snape of tampering with the potion. The reality, Remus knew, was Sirius Black. Everyone was discussing him and the hunt for him grew more intense as the wolf inside Remus clawed and tried with all its strength to pull itself through before being calmed by the potion.

While he was sleeping Remus dreamed again about being bitten by Greyback, but this time instead of being grabbed by the werewolf, he was grabbed by a large black dog. The dog dragged him from his mother, put him down on the ground and sniffed him cautiously. The dog's eyes were grey and they searched Remus' face. Remus thought the dog was trying to tell him something and he was about to speak when the dog barred his teeth and tore into Remus with his fangs. He howled in agony from the pain and a feeling of betrayal.

The dream changed. Remus was now standing in the darkness, naked and breathing heavily. He realized that he was in once again in The Shrieking Shack with his roommates. The three other boys were naked and curled up together having just transformed back. Remus was suddenly overcome with nausea and bent over double, trying not to vomit in front of his friends. The three boys awoke and moved towards him, softly calling his name. James produced a hankerchief and began to wipe the sweat from Remus' face with a rag and muttered. "It's okay, Mooney. You're going to be okay."

"I want to believe this is true," he said, knowing it was a dream and that those days of innocent tenderness were gone. And was it ever really that innocent, he wondered as he groaned from the pain and nausea brought on by the full moon?

From behind him Sirius laughed, "Innocent?" he asked, reading Remus' mind. "or had it all been planned?" Remus felt himself weaken and he fell backward, resting his back against Sirius's chest. Sirius was not laughing now as he held Remus there. "Quiet now," he whisped. "You need to regain your strength." Remus could feel the beat of Sirius' heart against his shoulder blade and felt strangely aware of his friend's blood pulsing through his veins. He felt the warm closeness of Sirius' skin against his own and he let his body melt further into Sirius. Sirius moved his hands along Remus' arms, stroking him while holding him steady. The motion was, on the surface, reassuring but along with his heartbeat, his warmth, his strong body pressed against Remus, it felt erotic. Remus turned to look at Sirius to see in his friend's eyes if arousal was his intention, but he could not see Sirius' face in the darkness. Instead, he felt the rough stubble of Sirius cheek against his own and the warmth of Sirius' breath on his neck as he whispered, "Breathe, Moony. Just Breathe."

The Shrieking Shack disappeared and Remus was alone in an empty train car he recognized as the Hogwarts Express, the same place where he had first seen Harry. "It was so hard to tell," someone was saying. "I thought I knew things, but I never really knew. It was just hope - or wishful thinking. Perhaps I was so desparate then, so ready to accept someone, that it didn't matter. I didn't have the will or the courage to see what was so obviously wrong. I didn't question motives or why no one knew. I should have seen that I was just part of the deception. But then... " there was a pause. The voice was familiar, but before Remus could put a name to it, the monologue continued. "but then... I don't know, can a soul really be decieved? If you know something with every beat of your heart, how can you be wrong?" Remus realized that the voice was his own.

For days Remus went in and out of the dream state. When he awoke he was troubled by the many visions which had appeared to him. He thought that some of them had actually happened in the past, although in slightly different ways, but he wasn't completely sure. Maybe they were all created by his feverous state; the part of his mind that was controlled by the wolf.

But the one thing he could be sure of was that he had been wrong about Sirius and this thought troubled him more than the barely remembered dreams. Lately, his memories of Sirius had reminded him of all the reasons why Sirius would not have betrayed James. But the obvious fact was that he had been in the castle searching for Harry.

When Remus recovered enough strength to return to teaching duties he heard from Professor McGonagall that Harry was still safe, although he had had a bad fall during a Quidditch match. Right before the full moon Remus had enjoyed his private conversation with Harry and was anxious to see the boy again. He felt pangs of guilt that he hadn't taken the threat of Sirius more seriously and knew he would have been devastated if anything had happened to Harry.

When the third year class ended he called Harry over to have a word. Remus expressed his regret that Harry had lost his broom in the accident and Harry seemed quite distraught. Harrry asked Remus why the Dementors affected him so, worrying that it was a sign of weakness. Remus was quick to assure him that it had nothing to do with weakness.

"When they are near me," Harry said, "I hear Voldemort murdering my mum."

Remus had many memories of Lily and any one of them could have floated into his mind at that moment. But the one that did was from right before her death. Lily looked beautiful. Her dark red hair was loose and long. In her arms she held her squirming eleven month old son who stretched his chubby arms toward Remus.

"Okay, darling," Lily laughed at the baby's impatience. "You can go see Moony." And she passed the smiling child to Remus. Remus put out his arms to receive the baby Harry, who smiled up at him. Remus remembered that his heart had threatened to break with joy at the sight of this child who wanted him.

In the present, Remus reached to touch Harry's shoulder, but thought better of it and put his hand back down towards his side. He hoped that Harry hadn't noticed.

Harry continued to talk about Dementors. While he conversed with Harry, Remus knew that he had made a grave mistake in not telling Dumbledore right away about the passages. Lily had trusted him with her child, even knowing what he was, and she never believed that he was dangerous around children as Remus attested to be. He was as bad as Sirius when it came to betraying the trust of the Potters, Remus realized. In hiding what he knew about the possible ways that Sirius could be getting into the Castle, he was endangering Harry. He needed to tell Dumbledore immediately.

The conversation had turned to Azkaban and Remus explained how, because of the Dementors, a wizard would be broken in a matter of days. "Sirius Black escaped," Harry said slowly.

Although Remus had gotten used to hearing the name as it flowed easily off his colleagues' tongues, hearing it from Harry was quite different. He felt more deeply his guilt in not protecting the boy and his anger at the man who had orphaned him. But then, in a flash, he remembered the dream in which he leaned his back against Sirius' bare chest and savored his sensuous touch. Remus felt himself momentarily weaken and the briefcase slipped from his grasp. He stooped quickly to get it.

Because of his guilt, Remus agreed to Harry's request for lessons to learn how to create a Patronus. Remus was able to put Harry off for a few months, until after the holidays, in the hope that Sirius would be caught by that time and the lessons would be unnecessary.

When Harry left, Remus was still strong in his determination to see Dumbledore. But he had some unfinished business to take care of first.

He entered Snape's office and slammed the door behind him. "Are you trying to get me sacked, Severus?" Remus asked in a demanding tone. "An utterly unnecessary assignment on werewolves...can we call it even yet and end this childish game?"

Snape looked up at Remus and at the door that had been slammed behind him. "You don't need me to get yourself sacked, Lupin," Snape replied condescendingly. "Black didn't get into the castle by himself. Dumbledore may not want to hear it, but soon there will be no denying what is happening."

"So you're accusing me of letting him into the castle?" Remus was indignant at the allegation.

"Yes. You two were great friends in school," Snape replied. "It stands to reason…"

"And as you may recall he went to prison for having his best friend killed and giving up his godchild to Voldemort," Remus interrupted angrily. "I don't think loyalty to friends is something he cares much about. If you go by that evidence, then I should be dreading not cheering his return."

But then in his anger something occurred to him and he continued. "However, you and he were serving the same master at that time. Tell me, Severus, did you befriend him then? Did you laugh together when you learned of his plan to deceive James and Lily?"

Snape turned away so that Remus could not see his face. "The Dark Lord did not tell me the name of every one of his spies," his tone was flat, unreadable.

"So you never saw him in the presence of Voldemort?" Remus questioned Snape. This was exactly the kind of information he had been hoping to find.

"Never."

"Surely, you knew from what colleagues told you that he was delivering the Potters to their deaths. His cousin Bellatrix must have been so proud she had to have spoken endlessly about it."

"No, I was never involved in that….that particular action," Snape said. It seemed to Remus that Snape's voice sounded almost regretful, but when he turned back to Remus he had the familiar disdainful tone. "But it matters not what I knew or who I saw in the past. The problem we are faced with today is that Black can get into Gryffindor tower and his intention is to kill one of its most famous inhabitants." Snape last words dripped with sarcasm.

Although Remus left Snape's office without the apology or commitment from Snape to end his games, he came away with something more valuable. Snape had never seen Sirius among the Death Eaters or heard any information that it was Sirius Black who was the spy betraying the Potters.

As Remus walked back to his office he realized something that no one else had mentioned and he had not previously thought about. Harry had not been in the tower on Halloween. He had been at the feast. They all had been there and Sirius would have known that. He wouldn't have tried to wait for Harry to return because after the feast students and staff always flooded back to their houses so he would have had to contend with many more people than, say, if he came upon Harry alone on Hogsmeade weekend.

Once when they were students, Sirius and Regulus were involved in one of their many brotherly vendettas. While not as handsome as his brother, Regulus was still quite good looking and was charismatic enough to charm the password from an unsuspecting young Gryffindor girl. When they returned from dinner that night, he was waiting in their room for Sirius.

"That was stupid, Reg," Sirius laughed after they had all assisted him in disarming his brother. "True, you had the element of surprise, but there is always safety in numbers, especially when those numbers include your best mates."

Regulus was lying on the floor struggling against Sirius' knee that rested on his chest, while Sirius' wand was at this throat. It was true that Sirius was bigger and stronger, but Regulus was probably equal to or better than them in spell work. Slytherins always knew some tricks that students in the other houses didn't know. Regulus probably thought he would overpower Sirius with his wand. He glowered back at his older brother who was eventually convinced by James to let him go crawling back to the Slytherin dormitory.

Remus' heart leapt in his chest. Sirius would never make the same mistake as Regulus. He would not been stupid enough to lie in wait for Harry to return with his roommates and then try to escape back through a throng of teachers and students. If Sirius wanted something in the Gryffindor tower, then he planned to take it and be long gone before Harry returned.

When Remus reached his office, he entered and looked out the window onto the barren November grounds. In his minds' eye he saw teenage Sirius and James walking across the lawn, brooms in hand on their way to Quidditch practice. James was gesticulating as he told a funny story and Sirius' head was thrown back in laughter. He recalled how they walked when they were alone together; close so that they were almost touching, unconcerned by the intimacy of their close friendship. They were like brothers.

Once again, the pieces did not add up. Maybe he had been right and Sirius was not a murderer after all. But that left another question. "So what do you want?" he whispered and his breath fogged the window, obscuring all that lay beyond it. "Why you are here?"

_To Readers and Reviewers: Thanks everyone. Thanks for your nice comments, Malianani._


	11. Chapter 11 Think Back

_A/N: I'm only borrowing these characters._

**11. Think Back **

It was a commonly held opinion when they were students that Sirius and Regulus Black were mortal enemies. This, Remus knew, was an oversimplification of a very complex relationship. While the brothers had little in common and were nearly constantly feuding one another, they by no means hated one another. Slytherins and Gryffindors were like that, after all. They were on opposite sides of almost everything at Hogwarts.

Unlike Sirius who claimed to have been born a non-conformist, Regulus conformed to exactly what his parents wanted him to be. Remus felt that this was perhaps his way of getting love from his parents. After all, Sirius was the eldest son, handsome and engaging, and always the recipient of their negative attention. If Regulus had wanted any attention at all from Mr. and Mrs. Black, he would have had to get it by doing exactly what they wanted and doing it well.

As a student, Sirius had a "devil-may-care" attitude. He did what he wanted to do, regardless of the trouble it might cause him or the punishments those actions might exact. He was self-reliant, even at an early age. He would never have thought to have called on his powerful father to get him out of any of the punishments he endured over the years.

Regulus, on the other hand, was very reliant upon his family. Since the Blacks had been in Slytherin House since nearly the beginning of Hogwarts, his name alone carried a lot of weight among his friends. He liked to use his father's power to get or attempt to get whatever he wanted and, in general, his father complied with his wishes. Perhaps since Sirius refused to ever call upon his father, Orion Black jumped at the chance to prove his strength to all those at Hogwarts by responding to the needs of his younger son. And, because it proved successful, Regulus used the Black name whenever and wherever he could.

This trait, Remus remarked as he walked down a corridor full of third year Slytherins on their way to evening meal, was also apparent in Regulus' young cousin, Draco Malfoy. Draco had just recently had his arm in a sling after being allegedly bitten by a Hippogriff in his Care of Magical Creatures class, and had called upon the power of his father to have the creature disposed of. Draco, like Regulus, also had a habit of wielding his power over those who appeared weaker than he and a way of finding those weak spots. Remus had watched him belittle Ron for his family's modest means and Harry was also a favorite target because of his reaction to the Dementors.

"Well, at least we can count on the fact that Potter won't be with us much longer," Draco Malfoy was saying to his two companions, well within earshot of Remus as they all walked together. "If the Dementors don't get him, then Sirius Black certainly will."

"What makes you so sure he's after Harry?" Remus asked as he walked closer to the boys. "What makes you think he's not after you?"

Malfoy stopped suddenly and looked at Remus. Crabbe and Goyle followed suit. Malfoy looked Remus up and down in the arrogant way that Regulus always had done when he was confronted with Sirius' friends. The predictability of Draco's reaction made Remus smile. "Why in the world would he be after me? He went to the Gryffindor tower, where I would never be." Malfoy asked in a tone which implied that Remus had gone round the twist.

Remus gestured for Crabbe and Goyle to leave them and they did so at once. As with Regulus Black, Remus knew that Malfoy's arrogance could be easily broken. He faced Malfoy. They were nearly alone in the corridor. Most of the students had passed them and gone on to their destinations. "Black had been a student here; therefore, he would know that no students would be in their rooms on Halloween, so I assume he went there to throw people off his trail. And as for why he could be after you, well, you are his cousin after all." Remus said in a steady voice.

Draco looked around to make sure no one had heard them. "That's not…" he started to deny what Remus had said, but changed his mind. "How do you know that?" he said, his eyes full of fear.

"I am the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Draco," Remus began his lie. "It's my job to know the practitioners of the Dark Arts and the Black family is right up there. It wasn't too hard to see that Narcissa Black, Sirius Black's very close cousin, is married to Lucius Malfoy, your mother and father I gather."

"But she hasn't seen him in years," Draco stuttered. "Even before he went to prison they weren't in touch. Mother says that her aunt threw him out of the family when he was still in school and no one spoke to him after that." Draco genuinely looked scared and Remus almost felt sorry for him. And, Remus remarked to himself, the story of Sirius leaving the family had been twisted by the Blacks, exactly as Sirius had once expected that it would be.

Remus forced himself to laugh. "Nice try, Draco. Black was a servant of the Dark Lord. Surely, the Black family was ready to welcome him back in when he changed sides. Doesn't it make sense that he is trying to get a message to them through you? No one knows for sure that he was talking about Harry when he said "He's at Hogwarts.' With Bellatrix in Azkaban, that makes Narcissa and you his only family members not in prison."

Draco thought about this, his eyes shifting between Remus' face, the floor, and the hallway as he looked for a way out. "He doesn't care about us," he said quietly, looking down to the floor. "He didn't even tell them…"

Remus waited for Draco to finish his thought and when he didn't Remus pushed him further. "He didn't tell them what?"

"He didn't tell them that he changed sides. And if he did, they wouldn't have believed him. He hated them all, especially Aunt Bella, but my mother as well. Father even doubts that he did change sides."

"Really, when did your father say this?" Remus tried to keep his voice stern, but inside he was trembling.

Draco had the look of someone telling family secrets. "Right after Black escaped. I heard Father telling Mother that a spy had died right around the time the Dark Lord disappeared. He told her that Black most likely went to Azkaban for the crime another committed. A fitting end for him, Father says, to be accused of doing something you spent your life condemning. He thinks the Dementors must have worked on Black enough so that now he must complete the crime." Draco laughed under his breath at the thought of Harry in danger.

"Well, it sounds like your father is well informed on these matters," Remus flattered Malfoy. Malfoy smirked and Remus continued. "Since it seems like there is nothing to worry about, I won't inform the Headmaster about your…connection to Black. No sense having Dementors follow you around, unless of course, you'd like that?"

Remus could see that Malfoy was picturing himself swooning like Harry had done. "No, Professor," he replied. As Remus let him go he knew that Draco would not be telling his father or mother about their encounter.

Remus decided to skip dinner and he returned to his rooms. He conjured a fire and tried to put together everything he had learned. Snape, a former Death Eater who always hated Sirius, couldn't confirm that Sirius had ever been in the presence of Voldemort. Draco Malfoy's father felt that Sirius had been wrongfully accused and that another spy had actually committed the crime. While he never thought he would agree with Lucius Malfoy on anything, Lucius seemed to be on to something. Remus also remembered that, despite their disagreements, Sirius had been quite broken up when he heard of Regulus' death. Regulus was said to have been killed when he tried to leave Voldemort. So why would Sirius join with the person who had murdered his brother?

"What is it, Padfoot?" Remus said into the fireplace. "What is going on here?"

In the comfort of his solitude and the warmth of the fire, Remus thought back to Regulus' death. Sirius had been very upset and James and Remus found him at his flat very drunk. They sobered him up and a few days later Remus went back to check on him. "Moony," Sirius said when he opened the door. Before waiting to hear what Remus had to say or asking him in, Sirius turned around and walked back into the flat, leaving the door open. His feet were bare and he was wearing a tee shirt and jeans. It looked like he had been sleeping in those clothes as well. Sirius flopped down into a chair in the sitting room. "Are you checking up on me?"

"No," Remus replied, shutting the door and entering the flat. "I was just…"

"Stopping by?" Sirius cut across with sarcasm. He was unshaven and his long hair was messy. On another person this would look pathetic, Remus noted, but on Sirius it looked handsome in a rugged way.

"Something like that," Remus said then changed the subject. "It's freezing in here."

Sirius shrugged, "I hadn't noticed. I don't feel anything."

"Here," Remus said. "Let me help." And before Sirius could protest he had conjured a fire and walked into Sirius' bedroom to find a jumper. He found one on the floor and brought it back into the sitting room. Sirius barely moved as Remus slid the jumper over his head and helped his arms through it. He smelled of sweat and unwashed bed sheets, but not, Remus noted with relief, alcohol.

"You're like my mother," Sirius grumbled.

"I doubt your mother would stoop to do this for you," Remus joked and Sirius let out a small laugh, then a sigh.

"You know," Sirius began, not looking at Remus who had sat down in the chair across from him. "I hate them, but I miss them too. Isn't that strange? Their pure blood prejudices, their support of everything I distain, their practices, and the people they choose to associate with and marry, I hate it all. But since Regulus died all I can think about is the good times. How fun it was to be in a large family like that. Sometimes now, living alone like this, it's so quiet I think I'll go crazy. When I was a kid at Grimmauld Place, there was always so much activity. Relatives were always staying over. The girls were there so often they practically lived there. They even had their own rooms. House elves were always underfoot making sure we were taken care of." Sirius shook his head. "I miss that. I miss being part of a family."

"You ARE part of a family. James considers you his family and now that he and Lily have a kid on the way, it'll be an even bigger family." Remus was enthusiastic as he said this. Having been an only child and secluded from other family members, he could only imagine what it was that Sirius missed.

He continued. "And then someday you'll have kids and your kids can grow up with James'. It'll be like it was before for you." Remus felt an odd sadness as he said this, but struggled to sound happy at the prospect. Sirius did not seem cheered.

"Look," Remus said in a commanding voice as he changed the subject again. "Why don't you shave and shower and I'll make us some tea."

The room had warmed by then and Sirius reluctantly agreed. As he closed the bathroom door, Remus returned to the bedroom. Unlike Sirius, Remus did not grow up with house elves and knew some housekeeping spells. With a few waves of his wand he folded the clothes that lay on the floor and changed the stale smelling sheets, trying to keep his mind blank as he did so. He heard the splash of water in the sink and knew Sirius was shaving.

As he heard the shower turn on he entered the kitchen and began to clean up there as well. He found the kettle and heated it with his wand. He found some tea leaves and was measuring them into the pot as the bathroom door opened behind him.

Remus felt the lick of the steamy air from the bathroom as it hit the back of his neck. He didn't turn around. He knew that if he did he would see Sirius standing there naked. His black hair would be slicked back from his clean shaven face, allowing his handsome features to appear more prominent. His muscular chest would still be glistening with water from the shower. Remus willed himself not to turn around.

He heard Sirius walk slowly towards him. He pictured the body and those strong,sinewy legs as they strode across the kitchen floor. Sirius was standing right behind him. He smelled of shaving cream, shampoo, and the clean smell that was Sirius. Remus closed his eyes and felt his breath falter. Sirius was so close that Remus could feel the heat from his body and his warm breath. "Remus," Sirius whispered.

"No," Remus said out loud, alone in his room. He hadn't realized that he had closed his eyes. Now they were wide open as he stared into the fire, and his breathing was heavy. "Get a grip!" he told himself as he struggled to breathe normally.

Not wanting to be alone in his rooms, Remus quickly left for the Great Hall. With any luck, there would still be something left to eat and, through conversation, he could take his mind off of Sirius Black.

_To readers and reviewers: Thank you LadyAnalyn, RemusLives, SomeoneAKAme, and MissFreddy for your reviews of the last chapter. Thanks everyone for reading!_


	12. Chapter 12 Hide

_A/N: If I owned the books, they would have a lot more Remus Lupin in them!_

**12. Hide**

There were times when he was walking down the corridors of Hogwarts that Remus would see an entrance to one of the passages. Of course, he didn't really "see" them but would rather make a mental note of where they were. "Down there," he thought to himself. "Down there is Sirius, hiding and waiting." He would picture Sirius sometimes as the handsome man of his youth walking confidently over the uneven and rock strewn ground, formulating his secret plan. Other times he pictured him as the waxy, sunken man in the picture in the _Daily Prophet_ huddling in the darkness. Remus sighed. "Who are you?" he asked silently, directing the thought towards the passage.

While he was growing more convinced that Sirius did not murder James and Lily, he was still troubled by the thought of Sirius being so close. Was he still the man that Remus had known? Had he, as Lucius Malfoy had told his wife, been so damaged by those twelve years in Azkaban that he indeed was trying to kill Harry?

Remus had still not told anyone about the passages and when he passed an entrance he always felt a pang of guilt radiate throughout him. He felt as if a wild eyed Sirius would burst forth suddenly from one of them screaming, "Moony knew! Moony knew and he hid it from everyone! He's as guilty as I am!" Remus shook his head to clear it of the crazy thought.

Unbidden, the vision of the young, handsome teenage Sirius walking in the dark tunnel lit only by a wand came to Remus. The image was soft and comforting. While he was down there, Remus wondered, was Sirius also remembering those days? Those days when they were young, happy and looking for the next adventure? Those days before they knew about the darkness that would befell them as they got older? Those days before their friendship got complicated? Was Sirius also reflecting upon those times?

* * *

Remus had been in their dormitory room lying on his bed reading when the door opened and shut seemingly by itself, followed by hysterical laughter. He looked over to where the sound was coming from and saw James and Sirius appear from under the invisibility cloak.

"You stupid git, I told you it wouldn't work!" James managed to say to Sirius through his laughter.

"But if it had it would have been brilliant, don't you think?" Sirius nearly choked he was laughing so hard.

Remus sat up. "What did you try to do?"

"We tried to get into the girls dormitory. Padfoot thought we would be able to see them get undressed. Did you know the dormitory staircase collapses when boys try to go up it? It turns into a slide," James told them, finally calming down from his fit of laughter. "Merlin's beard, my arse hurts!" This brought of laughter from them all.

"Watch them get undressed? Isn't that a bit Benny Hill?" Remus asked pretending to disapprove, although he was still chuckling.

"Benny who?" Sirius and James asked simultaneously. Peter looked curiously at Remus.

"He's a Muggle comedian who…well, never mind," Remus sometimes forgot that his friends grew up without Muggle conventions such as television.

"Why don't you try loitering in the girl's bathroom with the cloak?" Peter asked. Like Remus, he too had been reading in bed.

"Because that would be disgusting," Sirius said pointedly. James nodded in agreement as he looked at Peter in disbelief for that suggestion.

Remus changed the subject. "So are you going to study now or do you have other plans for the cloak this evening?" He asked, hoping it was the former.

"Oh, other plans of course," James replied with a mischievous smile. "And this one involves us all so put away the books, mates; we are going on an exploration!"

"It's not even the full moon," Peter said excitedly. "Where are we going?"

"This time we're staying in the castle. Prongs and I found an entrance to a passage and we want to see where it goes," Sirius told them.

Remus felt the excitement build within him. Like any boy, the idea of secret passageways to explore gave him a thrill. However, he saw Peter's expression begin to waver. "What do you think is down there?" Peter asked.

"Trolls," James replied in a serious tone.

"Snakes," Sirius added.

"Spiders," James' eyes were twinkling although his tone remained the same.

"Slimy things," Sirius added, sounding sinister. They all knew Peter's fears and liked to tease.

"The truth is, Wormtail," James said with a smile as he walked over to Peter and put his arm around his shoulder. "We won't know until we get there."

It was when they got into the passage and lit their wands that Peter really started showing his nerves.

"This way," said Sirius, taking the lead as he walked confidently forward.

They all followed, James right behind, Remus behind him, and Peter at the rear.

"If we see anything big or slimy we're turning back, right?" Peter asked, hopefully.

Sirius stopped suddenly and turned around, causing James to crash into him. Sirius didn't seem to mind being trampled as he carelessly put out his arm to steady James. "No, Wormtail, we are not turning back until we know where this passage goes. You didn't have to come if you were so bloody worried about what we'd find. Why are you always like this?" he sounded angry and exasperated.

Peter tried to wiggle out of Sirius' anger. "There are some things I don't like to touch. You always seem to understand when Moony can't do certain things. You always let him get away with his weaknesses."

Peter had spoken the truth, Remus knew, but it was hard to hear it just the same.

"Leave Moony out of it!" Sirius' anger rose. "We're talking about what you want - go or stay. What will it be?"

"Moony has no choice in what he can and can't do," James added pointing the light of his wand at Remus to see his face. "We all understand that. He's not weak."

"It's okay…" Remus began feebly. He didn't want to be the cause of an argument between the friends.

"It's NOT okay," Sirius interrupted briskly. "Go or stay, Wormtail, what's it going to be?"

"Stay," Peter said, without much conviction.

Sirius turned and resumed walking without comment. It was James who spoke. "Good. No more bloody complaining then." And he followed Sirius down the passage. Fortunately, nothing slimy or big crossed their path that night. But when they found the entrance to Honeydukes, it appeared they had all forgotten the disagreement.

* * *

His last transformation and Snape's decision to change his lesson plan had set Remus' classes back a bit. Because of this the Grindylow had stayed in his office longer than expected and Remus needed to find a way to feed it. That afternoon he set off for Hagrid's hut to ask his advice, as he was the teacher of the Care of Magical Creatures class.

It was a chilly late-November day and the wind blew cold off the lake as Remus knocked on the door of the hut. Hagrid was not there, so Remus decided to wait for him, walking around the grounds as he did so. Hagrid's living space was what one would describe as rustic and showed his love of animals. Remus noted where a vegetable garden must have been in the warmer months.

As he turned around, facing the back of the hut, chrome gleaming in the fading afternoon sun caught his eye, revealing a once familiar sight. Remus walked towards the motor bike. "It couldn't be," he said out loud.

Hagrid's sudden arrival and the barking of his dog Fang interrupted Remus' thought. "Afternoon, Professor," Hagrid greeted him. "Don't mind Fang." The large boarhound charged towards Remus barking loudly, but stopped within a few feet and retreated, as Remus knew it would. Dogs, like house elves, could sense the wolf within him and kept their distance.

"Hello Hagrid. I was just admiring your motor bike," Remus said. "It looks like another one I've seen. Does it fly?"

"Sure does," Hagrid replied proudly. "And yer never gonna guess who gave it ter me. Sirius Black!"

"Really," Remus replied. He feigned surprise although this was what he had thought as soon as he had seen it. He had ridden on that bike many times with Sirius. Remus remembered leaving James and Lily's wedding on that bike. He and Sirius both intoxicated by the feelings of deep, true love the wedding had inspired in all the guests.

Quickly Remus brought his mind back to the half-giant standing before him. "So how did that happen? That he gave you the bike, I mean."

Remus listened intently as Hagrid described the scene at the Potter's destroyed home when he arrived to rescue Harry. Sirius arrived shortly afterward, distraught, asking to take the child and care for him as his parents had requested, finally giving Hagrid the motor bike to accomplish what Dumbledore had asked of him.

"So, Sirius was upset?" Remus asked.

"'e pretended ter be." Hagrid said with conviction.

"But at the time, did you have reason to doubt him? Did he seem insincere?"

"'course not! 'e and James Potter were mates from way back. I remember that. Godfather ter Harry, too. Just think if I woulda let 'im take the little one. Black woulda murdered him too."

"But, if he wanted to murder Harry, why didn't he do it right then? I mean, no offense, but you wouldn't be able to put up much of a fight if he used his wand and he could have killed you too if he wanted to. But he gave you the bike to get Harry to safety. Doesn't it strike you as odd? If he wanted to kill Harry why did he leave him?" Remus tried to keep his voice steady.

"I don't know. I don't understand the mind of a murderin' bastard like that," Hagrid replied, somewhat confused by Remus' questions. Remus imagined that Hagrid had expected him to be impressed with his bravery in front of the notorious murderer.

"When he gave you the bike, did he say where he was going?" Remus asked, trying to sound less interested than he was.

"No," Hagrid replied. "He jus' said he didn't need the bike anymore. Then he kissed Harry's forehead and disapparated. Poor Harry, kissed by a stinkin' turncoat like that!"

"Yes, what a shame," Remus agreed, hoping he sounded convincing. He remembered Sirius holding Harry in the church, kissing his forehead as he became Harry's godfather. He saw the tender touch as Sirius moved his finger for Harry to grab and Sirius' loving smile as Harry predictably did so.

"My godson is strong," Sirius had said looking up at James with a proud smile. "Just like his father. Let's hope he gets his looks from his mum." James clapped Sirius on the back and laughed in agreement.

"Anyhow, Professor, I reckon yer didn't come here ter talk about flyin' motorbikes. What can I do for you?" And with that the conversation about Sirius Black ended and Remus asked about feeding the Grindylow, a subject Hagrid was more than happy to discuss.

That night Remus dreamed he was in the Godric's Hollow church. He thought it was the day of the ceremony when Sirius would be named godfather, but the church was dark. As he walked towards the altar he saw two figures, illuminated only by a single candle. As he got closer he saw that they were Lily and James. They moved into one another and began kissing. They shared deep, passionate kisses that lasted for ages while their hands moved over each other's body and through each other's hair. Their loving connection was obvious to Remus and he knew this must have been what it was like when they conceived their son.

Feeling like an intruder in someone else's bedroom, Remus turned and walked back down the aisle silently. As he approached the door he saw a hooded figure hiding in the shadows. At first he thought it was a Dementor and reached for his wand. The figure drew closer and Remus realized that it was not a Dementor but a monk in brown robes, his head and face obscured with a hood.

The monk stopped next to Remus and whispered in his ear, "Don't tell anyone!"

Remus thought he was talking about James and Lily who were still kissing intensely on the altar. He nodded, consenting to the monk's request. But then the monk turned Remus toward him, put his hands on Remus' cheeks, pulled him gently forward, and kissed him on the mouth. Remus wanted to push away but, having been stirred by the passion of James and Lily, he opened his mouth and welcomed the monk in.

He could not see the monk's face as he let his tongue drift into the other man's mouth. He put his hands on the monk's shoulders and then, as he got more comfortable, let them snake around his back. Their kiss did not break, not even for breathing. Everything Remus needed seemed to be found in the monk's sensuous mouth. He tasted rich and masculine, like an unknown, exotic spice. Remus pulled him close, clinging to the hooded figure as he felt the desire inside him build. "Stay with me," he thought in his dream. "Don't ever leave me."

When he awoke the next morning Remus felt an overwhelming physical desire and the disturbing feeling that he had just kissed a man.

_To readers and reviewers: Thanks so much for your wonderful comments!_


	13. Chapter 13 Return

_A/N: Just warning you that there is increased sexual content in this chapter._

**13. Return**

When he entered the bookstore, Remus wondered if he had made a mistake. She saw him and discretely pointed to another customer who was also in the store. Remus nodded and pretended that he was looking for Christmas gifts. In reality, he had no one to buy them for. His parents had died a long time ago, during his last year at Hogwarts, and, with all of his old friends gone, there was no one special in his life. He was thinking that he should probably send Julia a card, when Polly came over to him.

"The gentlemanly thing to do is to send an owl the next day," she scolded him while smiling. Remus looked in her beautiful blue-grey eyes and felt the wolf inside stir.

Remus cleared his throat and looked around to make sure they were alone. "I thought, under the circumstances, well, I didn't want you to have to make any embarrassing explanations." Although this was the truth, it did sound like a weak excuse, especially since so much time had gone by. To be honest, there was only one reason why he came back at all.

"Let me worry about me, okay? Other than that, how have you been?" she asked him. Remus could tell she was thinking about it too.

"I've been well. You didn't have any trouble with your…." He couldn't bring himself to say husband.

"No. I told you, he travels a lot. Look, Remus, I had a good time. Unless you were hoping to meet the woman of your dreams and run off somewhere romantic, can I assume that you did too?"

Remus was impressed by her frankness. He wondered if she did this often, but he didn't care to know the answer. "Yes, I had a good time. No, I'm not looking to run off with anyone any time soon. And," he moved closer, placed his hands on her shoulders, and whispered, "you were great."

She smiled smuggly at him and offered him a cup of tea. It was near the end of the business day and there were still a few customers who drifted in and out; however, most townspeople heeded the notices that were up all over town warning people that Dementors were patrolling the streets after nightfall and, thus, finished their shopping early. "Do you need to leave before the Dementors come out?" Remus asked her, trying not to sound as if he were asking for an invitation.

"Well, actually," Polly replied, turning slightly red, "We own the building and there is a spare room upstairs that is usually rented out. Fortunately, it is not rented at the moment so I stay there when I work late in order to avoid the Dementors."

Remus smiled at his good fortune.

They didn't talk about it. Instead, after Polly locked the store, Remus followed her as she walked slowly up the stairs. It seemed to Remus that it took Polly forever to open the door of the room. Once she did and they were inside, he pushed the door shut.

Sex had always come easily to Remus. He thought this had to do with being part animal; that somehow the instinct was stronger in him. Sometimes in conversations with friends or strangers, the latter usually in bars and over many drinks, he'd be stunned to hear men say that they didn't know what women wanted or what it took to please them. Remus never had such questions. Those secrets were burned into his soul. He let the wolf guide him as his hands ran through Polly's red hair and his mouth hungrily met hers.

They began up against the wall. They helped each other shed clothes and explore the newly exposed skin. Before moving to the bed, Remus made sure that Polly would not be thinking of any other men, let alone the one she was married to as his kisses moved down from her mouth to her throat to her collar bone and down and down until she rewarded him with gasps of surprise and satisfaction

As a teenager, new to the world of sexuality, Remus had worried about the wolf. Whenever he was with a girl he feared that in a moment of passion she might inadvertently learn of his affliction. It had concerned him that he might hurt or scare her if he didn't control the animal raging inside him. With practice and lots of will power, he had been able to concentrate on both controlling the wolf and allowing himself to fulfill the desire that consumed him. These dueling thoughts had the added benefit of allowing him to last longer than both teenage boys. Still, there had been times when he had lost momentary control over the wolf. However, he had been able to regain control quickly and the incidents went nearly unnoticed. The worst that happened was he had to hear complaints that he was "overly enthusiastic."

Remus learned over time that the wolf could be an asset. He allowed it to take him to places where he otherwise might be too ashamed to go. He hadn't trusted the wolf at first. He probably would never have felt comfortable enough to let the wolf out at all if he hadn't been in a situation with a lover that was so compromising it caused Remus to forget his inhibitions and release the wildness inside him. He had let the wolf take over and in doing so he felt free to explore the heights and depths of sexuality. That experience made his need for such pleasures even greater, but, at the same time, caused him to block out the person who had taught him to accept the animal within.

From beneath him, Polly called out his name. She said some other things too as Remus felt himself return to the moment. He moved back from her and she opened her eyes. "Is everything okay?" she asked, wondering why Remus had pulled away from her.

"It's more than okay," he answered with a smile. Then he whispered, "Turn over." And she complied.

This time he stayed the night with her. He got up once and looked out the window. Frost illuminated by street lamps glittered below and Remus could make out the shadows of the Dementors as they glided by. Remus shivered both with cold and at how it had felt on the train when the Dementors were near. It was not safe to return, so he slid back into bed next to Polly's warm body. She stirred slightly and Remus curled up beside her. He slept peacefully until morning. He made no promises Polly, but kissed her and thanked her for a lovely evening. His luck held out as he returned to Hogwarts without attracting anyone's attention for having spent the night elsewhere.

Hogwarts students, in anticipation of their Christmas holiday, were becoming restless. Even after numerous warnings, several students continued to misbehave and Remus had no choice but to give out detentions. As he sat watching the glum girls and boys silently doing their lines, listening to a clock tick monotonously in the background, Remus' mind began to fill with visions of Polly, of Julia, of the other nearly forgotten women he had been with, and finally back to the one who had been his first. Had it been in this very classroom?

Her name was Sara and she was a Ravenclaw prefect. Although he had known her for years, the first time he had spoken to her was in the prefect's carriage on the Hogwarts Express in September of his sixth year. While Remus was thrilled to have been made a prefect, he secretly wondered if this would affect his relationship with James and Sirius. He had aways been wary of their adventurous and often rule-breaking ways, not to mention the way they hexed and teased other students, including Snape. James claimed it was all in good fun, but their was something about Sirius and the look in his eyes when he pointed his wand, that made Remus suspect that these incidents were more retaliatory than fun. He often wondered if Sirius was punishing a part of himself, the part of him that made him a Black, when he muttered those curses and hexes. Now, as a prefect, could he really look the other way?

"At least you're taking this seriously," Sara said to him. She seemed to appear out of no where at his side as he stood alone in the prefect's carriage.

"Erm," Remus stammered, blushing. "What do you mean?" He looked her over. Her hair was straight, light brown and she wore it in a plait, which emphasized the narrowness of her face. She wore wire rimmed glasses that gave her face a serious, studious quality. Still, Remus realized as he felt his nerves begin to tingle, she was very pretty.

"I mean, look at them," she said, pointing at the other prefects who laughed and joked on the other side of the carriage. "You'd think they won a popularity contest. Being a prefect is an honor and a responsibility that should not be taken lightly. Don't you agree?"

Remus nodded, finding that he really wanted to agree with her, although in his mind he saw James and Sirius hexing an unsuspecting first year and he felt a twinge of guilt.

It began innocently enough, conversations in the hallway, usually about prefect business or their classes. Then they started meeting to do homework together, watch Quidditch matches, and occassionally he could slip away from his friends at lunch time without too much teasing. James and Sirius would cover for him when she asked where he went during the full moon and in return he would look the other way and allow them the freedoms they had previous experienced. He even went along with them from time to time.

He snogged her for the first time as they were leaving for Christmas holiday and Remus felt as if he were glowing inside. Sirius, by this time, had been with several girls and he had made sure that everyone knew about it. Remus wanted to keep his first kiss private. He felt that if he shared his good fortune with others, the warm feeling that seemed to radiate within him would cool. Something inside him felt as if this kiss, as nice as it was, was a betrayal in some way. That it took him closer to Sara, but further away from ... Remus couldn't put his finger on exactly what he felt he was losing.

It was to Sara that he lost his virginity. For years he worried that no girl would ever like him enough to consent to be with him that way, but when it happened he wasn't surprised at all. It was spring. Gryffindor had just won the Quidditch Cup and a celebration in the common room was underway. Sirius brought forth bottles of illegal (for students at least) firewhiskey, and James had helped Remus get Sara past the Fat Lady, who guarded the entrance to Gryffindor Tower.

"Come on then," James cajoled her. "You remember what it is like to be young and in love, don't you? You must have had many boyfriends when you were our age, as I'm sure you have many now. Do you know which portrait I think is in love with you?" The Fat Lady giggled and the portait swung open. Loud voices and music flowed through the opening as Remus helped Sara enter. He turned and mouthed "thank you" to James, who smiled back.

They spent a few hours at the party before Sara said she needed to go. Remus walked with her towards her room in Ravenclaw, but she stopped in front of an empty classroom and pulled him inside. "What are you doing?" he asked her, laughing until she kissed him deeply. "I thought you needed to get back."

"That was just an excuse," Sara told him, her eyes twinkling behind her glasses. "I thought we could find a place to be alone."

"Great idea," Remus agreed. They kissed again. Remus' body felt warm and his spirit high from the Firewhiskey. As always, there wasn't much time before the wolf began to stir within him and he brought the snogging to an end. "We probably should..." he began, but she stopped him.

"It's okay," she said. Her hands moved down from his chest to his waist. "I think... Remus, I'm ready to... if you are."

Excitement grew within him, but also fear. He could feel the wolf growing stronger and he wondered what would happen if he... "Sara, are you sure it's not the Firewhiskey making you say this?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I didn't drink any. Remus, I know people reckon that because I'm serious, I'm not...physical, but I am. I think about sex and I like you a lot. More than that, I trust you. Besides, this is one of the few times that I'm absolutely sure that your bloody friends won't be sneaking up on us."

Remus thought back to his last glimse of Sirius and James in the common room. James was demonstrating, drink in hand, the winning catch he made that day to wide-eyed first-years. Sirius was sitting in one of the arm chairs, a long legged brunette on his lap. She nuzzled her lips into Sirius' neck. Remus closed his eyes on the memory and did the same to Sara.

Remus brought himself back to the present. "You can go," he said to the students who sat quietly and dutifully before him "and Happy Christmas." They wished him the same and sped away before he could change his mind.

Despite the amount of work he had to do before the holiday and the approaching full moon, Remus felt a sense of comfort and calm. Sirius had not been sited anywhere near Hogwarts and people spoke less and less of him. Students and staff both seemed more at ease and the Dementors had not set foot on the grounds since the day of the Quidditch match. Even Snape seemed to have warmed slightly toward Remus since the day that Remus challenged him in his office. He gave Remus his potion without any comment.

Snow fell softly outside as Remus drank his potion and prepared for bed. He would be asleep during Christmas. Ordinarily he would have been fine with this, as he had no one to celebrate with, but this year he was disappointed to miss spending the day with Harry. Like Remus, Harry had spent too many Christmases without love. And although he could not openly share with Harry how great James and Lily had been to him all those years ago, he wished he could be there to celebrate the day with him.

As he lay in bed waiting for the potion to take effect, Remus thought of what Hagrid had told him about Sirius' last moments with Harry. Sirius had left Harry with Hagrid because he loved the boy enough to do what was best for him. The image of Sirius kissing his godson's forehead made Remus smile as his eyes began to close. Their conversation from twelve years ago came back to him.

"Come here," he told Sirius. Sirius sat next to him on the sofa. Remus put his arm around Sirius' shoulder in an effort to encourage and comfort him. "You'll be a great godfather." Sirius lifted his head, turned, and looked at Remus. Their eyes met and…

Perhaps it was because Remus was ready to remember or perhaps it was because the potion prevented him from stopping the memory, but the memory moved forward. Looking into each others' eyes, Sirius put his hand on the back of Remus's head. His fingers splayed as they combed through Remus' hair. Remus moved towards him and with comfort borne from years of practice, they kissed.

_Thanks O' faithful reviewers! There are days when I don't have the energy to write, but I love hearing what anyone thinks and THAT keeps me going._


	14. Chapter 14 Need

_A/N: I only borrow these characters, but I hope you like what I do with them._

**14. Need**

James Potter was a uniquely tolerant individual. Remus had never before and never since met anyone like him. Perhaps it was the confidence of having pure blood and being from an old wizarding family, or perhaps just from growing up with people who loved him unconditionally that provided James with his ability to accept all people. James did not dismiss people because of blood status (Lily,) or affliction (Remus,) or dubious family connections (Sirius,) or lack of talent (Peter.) In the days when they were at Hogwarts, Remus remembered, students tended to clique up based on those very things. But James never made friends based on where they came from or what blood ran through their veins. He liked who he liked and that was pretty much everyone.

It was his tolerance and distain for the intolerant that brought James to the attention of the Dark Wizards on the side of Voldemort. If he had kept quiet about his views, like so many others, he probably would have slipped by unnoticed. However, James was someone who got noticed. By the time he left Hogwarts and joined the Order, everyone knew where James stood. And if you wanted to be his friend, you stood with him. There was no room for compromising with the other side. As James often told people, "Pure-blood supremacy leaves no room for another side. Tolerance is does not mean accepting a few individuals who are different from us: it is the acceptance of all."

Remus obviously shared James' convictions. Life would have been vastly different for him had there not been people like James and Dumbledore who looked past his affliction to see the person he was and the person he could be. They never saw him as damaged, someone to be feared, someone to be avoided. Fighting on their side was fighting for his own rights and Remus had done that proudly. However, even after Voldemort fell, prejudice against werewolves was still prevalent and Remus learned that it takes more than laws to change what is in a person's heart.

Sirius had also shared James' convictions, although being a pure blood like James he had no motivation other than his morality to do so. It may have been true that Sirius was first drawn into James' cause because of their friendship or perhaps just to iritate his family, but Remus had truly believed that Sirius came to accept those truths as his own. Part of Remus felt that deep down Sirius had always known the right way – he just needed the guidance to find it. However, when Sirius was imprisoned, it was widely assumed that Sirius had never really believed in the Order and had been looking all along for a way to undermine it.

Peter, on the other hand, was the roommate Remus knew least of all. He fell in line behind James, but never seemed to have the same strength of those convictions as the others had. In general, Peter was not a strong person. Remus had never considered himself strong or brave until his roommates pointed out to him that he stared down a wolf every month and won. Peter was lacking in bravery as well as strength. James accepted his weaknesses, but Sirius did not have as much patience.

"If he doesn't want to, then he doesn't have to do it," Sirius was saying to James as the two boys entered their room. Remus had been alone and he nodded to them as they continued their conversation.

"It's not that he doesn't want to, he's just scared. Look, he's not as brave as the three of us." James explained gesturing to Sirius and Remus.

"Or as talented," Sirius added, throwing himself onto his bed. Remus knew at once they were discussing Peter and his roommates' attempts at becoming Animagi.

"That, too," James agreed. "But that doesn't mean we shouldn't include him. You and I can help him and in the end he'll be happy we did." James never liked anyone to be excluded from a plan.

Sirius sucked air into his cheeks and blew it out slowly as he rolled over onto his back. "Okay, I'll help him, but only as a favor to you and Moony, and only if he stops his whining. I hate the bloody whining!"

It was true, Remus remembered as he walked through the still empty halls of post-Christmas Hogwarts, Peter could be very annoying. His complaining and his nasally voice often grated on Remus' nerves. He felt badly speaking ill of the dead, but if there was one crime he could possibly believe Sirius capable of committing, it would be killing Peter. As he had heard the story, Peter had found Sirius after James' death and accused him of betrayal in front of a crowd. Remus could imagine Sirius becoming so angry at the accusation that he did something he would eventually regret. But would he be so enraged that he would kill everyone on the street?

Remus' thoughts were interrupted by Professor McGonagall calling to him from inside her office. "Professor Lupin, could I have a word, please?"

Remus entered her office. She motioned him to close the door. "Lupin," she asked. "Are you hiding something from the staff?"

Remus felt his chest tighten. Immediately he worried that she had found out about his knowledge of the secret passages. Did she also know he suspected that the reason no one could find Sirius was because he was hiding there? "Erm, no, I…" Remus stuttered.

"So you didn't send Harry Potter a new broom for a Christmas present?" She asked. Her voice was stern, but not unkind.

"No, I, I didn't" Remus stammered, suddenly relieved.

McGonagall looked at him over her glasses. "Is that the truth or are you afraid that I would disapprove of you favoring one student over the others?"

Remus was still recovering his breath from the possibility of his secret being exposed and didn't respond right away. McGonagall continued.

"I do remember, Lupin, that you and James Potter were good friends. Dumbledore told the staff that you wanted to keep that quiet, so no one has said anything to Harry. But if you are buying him Christmas gifts in secret, you should let someone know or else…"

"It wasn't me," Remus finally managed, interrupting her. "I wish it was, but it wasn't. I don't have…" Remus was uncomfortable discussing his financial circumstances, so he shrugged. "And thank you for not saying anything to Harry." McGonagall nodded discreetly. Suddenly curious he asked, "Who do you think sent the broom?"

She sighed, "We don't know. Unfortunately, I took it from Potter to check it for jinxes. He won't be able to ride it until we are sure it's safe. Hermione Granger thinks it may be from Sirius Black - a jinxed broom that could throw the rider when he is high enough in the air to cause some damage."

Remus started to laugh but realized this was probably the wrong reaction. "Sirius Black is the most wanted man in the country, let alone the wizarding community. I can't imagine he'd be out Christmas shopping for broomsticks."

"No, but he could have had help. I've been here at Hogwarts a long time and have seen many Blacks walk through these doors, many of them with questionable ethics. It's possible that he's been in contact with any one of his family members. His brother Regulus passed away some time ago and Belletrix Black is in Azkaban, but there are the other Black girls: Adromeda and Narcissa." McGonagall shook her head. "I'm not accusing anyone, but we'll check on the broom anyhow."

"Minerva," Remus began, "Harry doesn't know about Sirius Black's connection to Lily and James' deaths, does he?"

"No," she said, "and we are working to keep it that way."

Remus nodded. "Let's hope he doesn't find out. It's hard to keep things hidden, though. At least, that has been my experience."

McGonagall knew he was referring to his affliction and smiled.

Students began returning to school over the next few days and the halls became increasingly full of excited voices discussing holiday excursions, family gossip, and gifts received. Since it was the parents' responsibility to return their children to Hogwarts, as opposed to all of them returning on the train, these gradual arrivals added to the excitement at the beginning for the new term.

When he was a first year student, Remus arrived back after Christmas on the Knight Bus. He sat in the Common Room with Peter and some other Gryffindors awaiting the return of their friends. Conversations were animated as students walked periodically over to the window to check for new arrivals.

Suddenly a third year girl who was looking out the window shrieked, "It's here!" The older students seemed to know what she meant and jumped up, running to look out. Remus and Peter followed them, struggling to find a piece of window not blocked by faces. Outside the front doors of the castle was a large, black carriage. It looked old, like a relic from the eighteenth century. It was sharply polished and shined in the mid-day sun. The doors that were ornamented with silver serpents and dragons slowly opened and a man stepped out. He was tall, large, and dressed in a heavy, dark traveling cloak. His hair was black and slicked back from his face, prominently displaying his widow's peak. Remus thought he looked like a heavy set Count Dracula. The man reached back into the carriage and helped a woman descend. She had dark, hooded eyes and carried herself as a woman born into money. She was also wearing a black traveling cloak, but hers was trimmed in a rich, black fur. On her head she wore a hat also made of black fur that reminded Remus of the cylindrical fur hats worn by Russians.

The Gryffindor students continued to stare from the windows as the man reached into the carriage once again and helped a young woman down from it. Her traveling cloak and her fur hat were as white as the snow that lay upon the ground and complemented her long blond hair and pale complexion. Remus watched as Cissy Black kissed her uncle on both cheeks. She similarly kissed her aunt and then, waving to a friend in the distance, hurried up the steps and into the school. Now he knew to whom the carriage belonged. He also knew how embarrassed Sirius would be if he knew they were all watching, but he still couldn't pull himself away.

"Hey, isn't that…" Peter began to ask, but was then shushed by the other students. Watching the arrival of the Black's extravagant carriage was a yearly event and none of the students wanted to miss it. They continued to watch in silence as Sirius emerged without taking his father's proffered help. Once on the ground, he dutifully shook his father's hand, kissed his mother's cheek, and strolled with Sirius' trademark bravado into the castle.

After the carriage left, the Gryffindor group broke up and moved away from the windows. "Don't say anything to him," Remus ordered Peter under his breath as they waited for Sirius to enter the Common Room.

"Why not?" Peter asked.

"Because he will hate it if he knows we were watching him." Remus replied. Peter complied but appeared to forget their agreement a few days later and mentioned the carriage to Sirius. As Remus suspected, Sirius did not like knowing of the spectacle his family had made and didn't speak to them for days.

The scene repeated the next year. Cissy, Sirius, and Regulus emerged from the carriage one after another. As Sirius tilted his head towards his mother's cheek, Remus saw him look up towards the windows of Gryffindor tower. Remus backed away from the window. Neither Peter nor James had arrived back yet, so he ran up to their room and began unpacking. He pretended to be surprised when Sirius entered to room. Sirius seemed relieved that Remus had not seen him arrive.

Year after year Remus clandestinely watched the Black family arrive, wondering what it would be like to grow up like Sirius, surrounded by wealth and eccentricity. Sirius seemed to take it for granted most of the time, but other times, like when the Black carriage brought him and his brother to Hogwarts, he seemed ashamed of it. Still, it surprised Remus to arrive back at school after the Christmas holiday of his sixth year and find that Sirius had already returned.

"Oh, hi," Remus said when he saw Sirius look up from where he lay on his bed. "I didn't expect you to be here. Usually, your family…" he was about to say 'makes a grand entrance,' but thought better of it. Instead he finished with, "brings you back later."

"They didn't bring me. I came on my own." Sirius said, sitting up. "I'm not going back, Moony. I told them I didn't believe in their values and I left."

"What?" Remus put down his trunk a little more loudly than he had planned. The sound reverberated through the nearly empty room. He had known for a long time that the Blacks believed that pure bloods deserved more power than those of mixed blood or Muggle-borne. He knew they practiced the Dark Arts in secret and supported wizards and witches who campaigned to have those practices brought into the open. The Blacks did not believe in the International Act of Magical Secrecy and looked forward to the day when the power of those possessing magic could be used over Muggles as dictated by law. Sirius had laughed when he told them all the stupid theories and beliefs of his parents and family members, but Remus had heard a tinge of sadness underneath that laughter.

"I've been ignoring them for years. I didn't really take them seriously. But now, well, we're not children anymore, Moony. We'll come of age in a few months. The Dark Arts are gaining more popularity every day and we have to stop it." Sirius seemed unusually grave.

Remus walked over to him and sat next to him. He didn't know what to say. "So you came back here after you left?" he finally asked.

"I stayed at the Potters for awhile, but then I came here. I have my own money so I'll find a place to live eventually."

Remus knew money provided people with a certain amount of freedom, although he didn't have that luxury. But even with money, Sirius did not seem free or happy. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I think so," Sirius said tentatively. "We'll see. I knew this would come someday. I had to change or they did. I just hoped it would be them."

Remus knew he should comfort Sirius the way his friends always comforted him, but he held back. When he looked up and he saw Sirius was looking at him. Sirius' grey eyes reflected his hurt and a need so deep that Remus could not fathom it. As his eyes locked with Sirius' an intimate warmth began to fill and overwhelm him. He couldn't look away as a rush of feelings, known and unknown, battered his heart. He felt as if he was looking at a doorway, uncertain if he dared enter. He opened his mouth in the hope that the right words would fall from him, just as Peter entered the room.

"Padfoot, What are you doing back so early?" Peter nearly shouted, his eyes darting between the two of them sitting on Sirius' bed. "What's wrong?" Remus felt the warmth and the rush that had filled him just moments before ebb away as Sirius explained his situation to Peter.

Sirius had been upset about his break with his family, but he had been realistic. Like James, he had realized that his point of view and his family's could not co-exist. He had to take a stand, even if it broke his heart to do so.

Remus thought again about Sirius' state of mind after Regulus had died and how he had expressed his mixed feelings about his family to Remus. He again remembered standing in the kitchen measuring tea when Sirius walked up behind him. "Remus," he whispered. He placed his hands on Remus' shoulders and whispered again, "Remus." As he spoke his lips and nose brushed through Remus' hair.

Remus shivered. He felt Sirius naked body, warm from the shower, press up against him. The drops of water that had clung to Sirius' chest seeped like pinpricks through Remus' clothes. The wolf inside awoke, stretched its limbs, and began to prowl. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" he asked softly without turning around. Sirius had been despondent just minutes before and he didn't want to encourage Sirius if he would later regret his actions.

Sirius chucked quietly, "No, I'm never sure it's a good idea. But right now, it's all I want." He turned Remus towards him. In Sirius' eyes Remus once again saw into the unfathomable depth of hurt. Sirius was no longer laughing as he whispered, "I need you."

And Remus gave himself. He gave himself to comfort, to heal, to erase, to soothe, and to love. As he lay upon the freshly laundered sheets that he had just replaced, Remus surrendered himself to the ravenous desires of the wolf and he gave himself to Sirius.

_To readers and reviewers: Remuslives and ShinyObjects, it was just a dream. If you recall, at the beginning of the story, Remus can not even think about Sirius or say his name. His erotic dreams and the patronus generating kiss were all faceless and genderless. Then he dreams of kissing a faceless man (the monk) and now he is able to open himself up to romantic memories of Sirius. _


	15. Chapter 15 Tear

_A/N: Ever notice how the noun 'tear' meaning the wet drops from your eyes, and the verb 'tear' meaning rip apart are spelled the same? _

**15. Tear**

Remus ran the blade along the side of his neck. He tilted his head for a different angle and repeated the motion. He rinsed the razor and then ran it along his throat, carefully avoiding the protruding Adam's apple. Facial hair was a pestilence upon the male of the species and shaving its ritual daily eradication. He drained the soapy water from the sink and turned on the taps to wash his face.

Remus was not a vain man. His financial circumstances had long ago caused him to forgo vanity and patch his own robes. But on this morning, as he dried his face with a towel, he stood in front of the bathroom mirror longer than he usually did and regarded his appearance. Perhaps it was because he had no friends in whom he could see age reflected, but even to his own eyes, the years had not been kind. He bent closer to the mirror to see the lines in his face and silver hairs that had begun to thread through the brown. "I was so young once," he said to the man looking back, "I was so young that I didn't even know it." With grim acceptance, he extinguished the light.

Had it been his youth, the age when one believes he is invincible, which led him to defy convention and societal taboos? Had a reckless experimentation developed into an addiction; an indecent habit that he had been unable to break? Or had there been real feelings there from the beginning? Even at the time, Remus hadn't been sure what was happening to him. They had never really talked about it, communicating instead through a silent understanding and the intimate language of touch. Whether it had been their secret shame or a shared connection or both, it had been special and private. That was why when Remus had learned that Sirius had betrayed James, Lily, and Harry, he had felt that Sirius had also betrayed him; for he must have known, no matter how strong Remus' addiction had been, Remus would never have followed him into the world of Dark Wizards. He had chosen to leave Remus behind.

It was this feeling of having been deceived, along with the sadness of James, Peter, and Lily's deaths that had caused Remus to forget everything about Sirius. Whenever unwanted memories surfaced he quickly buried them in the dark recesses of his mind. It was all too painful. Now, faced with the uncertainty of Sirius' guilt, Remus' began to wonder if he had not been betrayed after all. That whatever Sirius' feeling for Remus had been, Sirius had not chosen to abandon him.

In remembering that day during his sixth year when he returned to Hogwarts to learn that Sirius had left his family, Remus vividly recalled the warmth that had filled him and feelings that had battered his heart as he struggled to find words of comfort. Had his feelings for Sirius gone back that far? If so, had he even been aware of them then?

When the Blacks brought Regulus back to Hogwarts, they did not ask to see Sirius. Remus could tell that Sirius had hoped that they would, if only to be able to tell them to go to hell. That they didn't seem to care about him or miss him, made Sirius sullen and angry. James tried to cheer him up with varying success.

"Why did you leave my house right after Christmas?" he had asked Sirius when he returned to Hogwarts. "You should have at least stayed through New Year's Day."

"I didn't want to impose," Sirius replied. He was lying on his bed as the other boys sat on theirs looking towards him.

"You're never imposing! My parents like having you around. They say I have a sweeter temperament when you visit," James said enthusiastically.

"That's only in contrast to me," Sirius' voice was flat.

"It's not! You don't know me when I'm alone. I'm bored and restless and they can't stand to be around me." While James' statement was sincere, Remus doubted that was true. James' parents thought he walked on water.

James continued, "Lydie missed you, too. It was 'Master Sirius this,' 'Master Sirius that,'" James imitated his house elf's falsetto. "Merlin, I couldn't get away from her bloody chatter about how wonderful you are!"

"Well, he does have a way with women," Remus said, noting that Sirius had begun to grin.

"Of all species," Peter added, happy to contribute to Sirius' improving mood.

As the finality of his decision became more obvious to Sirius, he grew irritable and hostile. He began to initiate fights with other students and spent a good deal of time in detention over the next few months. James, Remus, and Peter continued to be patient with him, but even their patience was tried. Peter bore the brunt of Sirius' moods, but none of them were safe. Remus also got the impression that Sirius was taking unnecessary risks when exploring the castle with James and the grounds during the full moon. James and Sirius kept their disagreements between the two of them but the tension was palpable.

After one full moon, Remus regained consciousness in the shack to hear James and Sirius fighting.

"No," James was shouting, "It was stupid! We are doing this to keep Moony company and to explore, but the we can only do the latter if we stay safe. You are playing with fire, Padfoot! We've already had too many close calls. Something bad is bound to happen."

"Nothing bad is going to happen!" Sirius shouted back. "Don't be so uptight! This is supposed to be fun."

"And what is so fun about going to the village? We can go to the village whenever we want to through the passageways. This is our time to explore the forest. These past few months you have been taking us closer and closer towards the town. I think you just want to scare townspeople and, Padfoot, that is NOT a good idea!" James was angrier than Remus had ever seen him. He was pacing around the tiny room, facing away from the bed on which Remus lay.

"Well, it was fun for me," Sirius shrugged. He was sitting in a broken chair, leaning back on two legs, acting cavalier. Neither he nor James seemed aware that Remus had awoken.

"Tell me, Padfoot," Remus said, sitting up. "You aren't allowing me into the village, are you?" As Remus spoke, Sirius and James turned toward him. He could see the shock on their faces. They had obviously planned to keep these wanderings from him, "because if you are then you may as well forget about transforming with me in the future! The whole plan, even this shack, is set in place to keep people safe from me. I can't be around people when I'm the wolf. You know I'm not safe. I could hurt someone!"

"Moony, I know you. You could never hurt anyone, not even as the wolf. Besides, Prongs and I are always there," Sirius spoke with his usual casual confidence, waving off Remus' fears.

"Accidents happen, Padfoot!" Remus shouted back at Sirius arrogance. "Look at what happened to me!"

"That wasn't an accident," Sirius threw the remark at him quickly, without thinking.

Almost immediately James shouted in warning, "Sirius, NO!"

Remus watched as his friends stared at each other. Something passed between them that Remus didn't understand. The atmosphere in the shack had changed suddenly. The crackling, angry charge like that of an approaching electrical storm had disappeared, replaced by a grave, leaden fog that hung cold between them.

"What?" Remus asked, his eyes moving from James to Sirius, both of whom refused to meet his gaze. "What do you mean?"

No one answered him. James turned to look at Remus. For a moment it appeared that he might say something. His eyes flashed hopeful for a moment, as if he might be able to convince Remus that it was all a misunderstanding, but it seemed that James also sensed the atmospheric change in the air of the room and realized it was too late to take back what had been said. He turned around to Sirius.

Sirius had set the chair down on its four wobbly legs and was looking at the floor. Remus sensed regret in his expression.

"Of course it was an accident," Remus said in a low voice. "Who would…" but he couldn't finish the thought. He remembered back to that night when it had happened. He heard his mother scream and felt himself being ripped away into the darkness. He shook his head to clear it. "Tell me," he said with determination and bravery that he did not feel. "Tell me what you know!"

James turned away from Sirius and moved to sit next to Remus on the bed. Sirius then got up from the chair and approached him. "No," Sirius said to James, "I'll do it." James nodded.

"Moony," he began, standing in front of Remus. His eyes met Remus' for a moment, but he looked away quickly as if Remus' stare had burned him. "When I was home, I mean at Grimmauld Place, during the holiday, we were joined by a werewolf named Fenrir Greyback. He is a friend of my family. He has been to Grimmauld Place on many occasions over the years, which is why I was able to figure out so quickly that you were one too." Sirius paused and Remus could tell that it shamed him to admit to such an acquaintance. "When I saw him this time he told me," Sirius paused again and looked up. "Greyback told me that when your dad was a prosecutor for the Ministry of Magic he argued a case against Greyback. If he had won, Greyback would have gone to Azkaban. But, your dad lost the case. It wasn't enough for Greyback to be free; he wanted to punish your father for what he had said during the trial, and so, in retaliation, he bit you."

Remus was quiet as the shock washed over his weakened body. He felt like he was drowning in what Sirius had said. There had never been an accident. It had been a plan orchestrated by this horrible creature to ruin Remus' life and to hurt Remus' father for doing his job. The Lupin family's life had changed drastically after that. Both parents had to change jobs and they moved far into the country. Suddenly, his father's break with the Ministry made more sense. Believing that it had been an accident had made the acceptance of his fate easier to bear. Now all Remus could feel was hatred, pain, and anger. Anger at Greyback, and anger at his friends for keeping this information from him.

"I'm sorry, Moony. I never should have…" Sirius began but Remus cut him off.

"Leave," he said. He could feel the wolf inside him prowl with his rising emotions. "Just leave!"

"Can I…?" James started to offer help, but Remus shook his head.

"I want you both to go," he said. He looked up at James and said "Please. Go now." He watched his friends walk sadly through the trap door and when he heard them in the tunnel, Remus let his tears overtake him.

During the next few days, Remus avoided his roommates by leaving their room early and returning late. Sirius tried to talk to him, but Remus refused to listen. He was tired of always putting up with Sirius' moods. He needed time and space and Sirius owed him that. He was angry with James too, for hiding the truth from him, but at least James had not acted arrogantly and recklessly during the transformation as Sirius had done. He avoided them both, because he knew James would be compassionate and he didn't want his friend's pity.

But it was James who managed to reach Remus, cornering him in their room when Remus thought he was at Quidditch practice. "I skived," James told him when Remus asked James why he wasn't there. "I needed to talk to you." Remus turned his back to James and pretended to be looking at something in his school books. "I'm sorry, Moony. We're both sorry. Honestly, we didn't mean for you to find out like that. We didn't want to tell you because we were afraid you would blame your dad. He is a good man who didn't deserve this. I've met him and I know you love both your parents. And Padfoot, well you know his family, he didn't want you to go through what he's going through. The estrangement is killing him, Moony. You must be able see that."

Remus was not in the mood to feel sorry for Sirius. He turned and faced James. "How long have you both known? How long have you been keeping this from me? I find it hard to believe that Padfoot conveniently found this out from a 'family friend' just as he was leaving his family!"

James' tone was serious as his hazel eyes locked upon Remus. "Moony, that's the reason he left."

* * *

Harry did not forget about Remus' agreement to give him lessons on creating a Patronus and Remus met him on Thursday evening. Harry was a conscientious student who was eager to learn and not afraid to try the spell for as long as it took to get it right. Remus admired his persistence. It reminded him of James. Harry's first attempt ended with him fainting again. Another teacher might have ended the lesson right then, but Remus was no stranger to passing out and was not scared off by Harry's reaction. Harry once again heard Lily, louder and stronger than before. He also told Remus, with surprise that Voldemort's voice was louder, too.

After Harry's second attempt, he was out for a longer period of time. Remus was more concerned and knelt down to tap Harry's face. Harry awoke slowly. "I heard my dad," He said and told Remus about the vision. Harry was crying as he described James' final confrontation. He surreptitiously wiped his tears on his robe, hoping not to attract Remus' attention or sympathy.

"You heard James?" Remus asked him. Because he had shut out his thoughts and the memories of his friends, Remus had never imagined what James' last moments were like. That he had acted bravely, giving his life in the hope of protecting his wife and son, did not surprise Remus, but touched him deep within his heart. James always protected those he loved. He was protecting Sirius when he convinced Remus to forgive him and he protected Remus as he berated Sirius for acting recklessly during their transformation. James' love was strong and it guided him fearlessly, even as he faced his death.

And suddenly, a half-remembered dream came back to Remus. In his dream Sirius stood before him. Behind Sirius was a boy who was either Harry or James. "In the end he knew the truth and he still loved me," Sirius had said in the dream. "Why would I hurt him?" Remus knew that there was something he was supposed to remember.

"Yeah, why – you didn't know him did you?" Harry's question brought Remus back to the present.

Although he hadn't wanted Harry to know this, there was no sense diffusing a bomb when it had already gone off so Remus responded honestly. "I, I did as a matter of fact. We were friends at Hogwarts." Quickly he changed the subject back to anti-Dementor lessons and Harry was distracted.

After Harry's third attempt, in which he was able to remain standing, Remus stopped the lesson. It was best to stop with some success, as it provided confidence for the next time. He gave Harry chocolate for strength and braced himself for the questions that Harry would inevitably ask about James. Or perhaps Harry would ask him why he hadn't previously mentioned their friendship. But he did not anticipate the question Harry did ask.

"Professor Lupin? If you knew my dad, you must've known Sirius Black as well."

"What gives you that idea?" Remus shot his question back quickly and sharply.

After Harry left, Remus put the Boggart away and returned to his rooms. He thought about Harry's strange question. Suddenly faced with someone who had been schoolmates with his father, Harry asked about Sirius. Who would have told him that James and Sirius had been friends? Did he also know the circumstances that sent Sirius to prison and why Sirius was thought to be coming for him?

Remus replayed the conversation in his head. "You must have known Sirius Black as well?" Harry asked.

"Yes," Remus imagined himself answering. "I knew Sirius Black. He was my lover."

_Additional Note: In HBP, Draco describes Greyback as a friend of his family so the werewolf's connection to the Blacks is consistent with canon._

_Thank you for all the wonderful reviews! It was great to hear from you again, Malianani. RemusLives23, I'm glad you like James. I found it strange in the books that everyone tells Harry how wonderful James was, but no one ever says why beyond what we learn in POA from remus._


	16. Chapter 16 Kiss

_A/N: This story only has undertones of slash, but fuller descriptions of the kisses in this chapter and Sirius' break with his family from the last chapter are in "The Secret Keepers."_

**16. Kiss **

It had surprised Remus that nothing made him so aware of being a man as he had been when he kissed Sirius. If he had thought about it beforehand, and he had not, he would have been prone to take his cues from the jokes of other boys and from the Muggle media to have believed that kissing another man would feel belittling or emasculating. But it was far from that. Passion, after all, is very masculine. Passion is fire and strength. It possesses and is possessed. It yearns and is yearned for. It envelopes and calls to us to trust ourselves to be enveloped by a lover. Passion pushes us beyond our fears and moves us to a new, exotic place. A place where fire rages, consumes, warms, and lights our way to pursue that which we desire.

It began in a sea of pain. Remus' parents died in a Muggle car accident when he was seventeen. After the funeral had ended and the guests had left, Remus sat in his parents house, left to face the realities of their bleak financial affairs. Emptiness filled him and he wondered if he would have the strength to do it. But suddenly, Sirius was there, apparating into the small room. "Perhaps it's not the same," he began, "but when I left Grimmauld Place last year, I felt like an orphan." He shrugged. "I still do. And when my Uncle Alphard died and left his estate to me, there was so much to do with Gringotts and all. I thought that I could help you get through this." He sat next to Remus on the sofa. "I'm so sorry, Moony. I really am."

And with those words, Remus felt the emptiness inside him evaporate. His eyes filled with tears and for the first time since hearing the news, he let himself cry. Sirius pulled him onto his shoulder, and wrapped his arms around Remus' back. Remus couldn't remember how long he wept, but Sirius did not move. He did not judge or say anything to distract Remus from releasing his grief.

When his sobbing subsided, Remus lifted his head from Sirius shoulder. Sirius turned towards him and their lips brushed. Remus knew he should pull back in shocked embarrassment and apologize, but he did not. And then Sirius kissed him. It was a gentle, tender kiss, but Sirius' lips stirred in Remus a longing he hadn't felt before. He thought back to the day when Sirius first touched him and how aware he had been of Sirius' scent. He remembered all those times when he had looked in Sirius' eyes and felt ...something he couldn't quite describe. He thought of Sirius' unpredictable moods and the confusing actions during the years that they had been friends. Was this just another side of Sirius? Sirius kissed his lips again and this time Remus kissed back, letting himself be swept away by this new, surprising passion.

It began in an ocean of pain, and, poetically, it ended that way, too. But in the middle, it was...

It did no good to remember that time, Remus told himself, fighting back the crawl of the scorpions as he fought his desire to be impassioned like that once again. The memory had been brought out by reading about another kiss that morning in _The Daily Prophet_. The Ministry had given permission for Sirius to receive the Dementor's kiss when he was caught. Once that happened, the soul that Remus had once touched with love and tenderness, Sirius' soul, would be gone forever.

"They are just saying this to save face," Remus told Minerva McGonagall as they were discussing the day's news in the staff room. "It's February now and he's been missing since August. That must be a huge embarrassment."

"Hmm," McGonagall replied. Remus could tell she was wondering why he was so riled up about this new development. "Well, he hasn't been missing completely. He WAS here after all, tearing up our portraits, trying to get into Gryffindor tower."

"And he hasn't been back. It's been over three months and he hasn't tried to get back in," Remus struggled to remain calm. "I just don't know if publicizing their intensions was a good idea," he shook his head. "It might just provoke him to act faster."

"And what do you think he'll do?" McGonagall asked, peering at him over her glasses. "I DO remember that you knew him. Do you have any insight into how he would carry out his actions?"

"No, I can't see into the mind of a murderer." While that was a truthful statement, Remus was not sure he believed that Sirius was a murderer.

He had a similar discussion with Harry later in the day when Harry asked what was underneath the Dementor's hood. Harry shuddered at Remus' description of the Dementor's kiss. "That is the fate that awaits Sirius Black," he told Harry tentatively. He was hopeful that Harry might reveal what he knew and how he had found out about his father's friendship with Sirius.

"He deserves it," Harry replied.

"Really?" Remus asked. "Do you really think anyone deserves that?" And in his mind the vision of Sirius looking back at him, his eyes filled with hurt and longing, surfaced.

"Yeah, for some things," Harry said. Harry became thoughtful as he drank his Butterbeer. As they sat together Remus got the impression that Harry was keeping as many secrets as Remus was. Harry knew something, but he was unwilling to share. The innocent are inquisitive. If he didn't know what horrible crime Sirius had committed, he would have asked Remus. And if asked, Remus wondered, how would he have answered?

* * *

"Have any of you ever heard of a wizard named Lord Voldemort?" Sirius had asked them one night when he, Peter, Remus, and James were in their room. They had just returned to Hogwarts to begin their sixth year. It was before Sirius had broken with his family.

"No," Peter said. Remus shook his head, but James nodded.

"I think so," James said. "My dad may have mentioned him. I remembering him talking about a Lord somebody and thinking it strange since there is no wizard nobility. Well, other than you Blacks, that is."

"Shut up!" Sirius laughed, throwing a balled up sock that he had worn to Quidditch practice at James' head. James had great reflexes and deflected it with his wand, causing the dirty sock to careen back to Sirius.

"Why do you ask about this Lord fellow?" James asked. He and Sirius were now playing an odd form of tennis which involved them volleying the sock between their two beds with their wands. Their eyes followed the sock back and forth. James spiked suddenly and the sock landed on Sirius. Sirius swore and James shouted, "Point!"

"Bastard! Best of three, then?" and before waiting for an answer Sirius served the sock back at James and their game continued. "Anyhow, I asked because there was a lot of talk about him at my cousin's wedding last month. It was an exclusively pure blood event and all the guests there seemed really impressed by him. He's apparently attracting quite a following." James suddenly missed the sock, which was too low for him to reach. "YES! Point for me! Your serve."

Bellatrix Black had gotten married that summer and, as the first in their generation of Blacks to do so (the earlier elopement of Andromeda Black and Ted Tonks was not recognized by any family member other than Sirius,) the event was large and lavish. Sirius and Regulus were groomsmen, an honor that Sirius wished he had been able to decline. Because of the romantic nature of weddings, several Slytherin girls who found themselves fortunate enough to have been invited now looked at Sirius differently – as if he might be worth another consideration. Slytherin girls tended to think boys in Gryffindor or Hufflepuff were beneath them, but Sirius was likely to become the exception. Whether Sirius would ever consider going out with a Slytherin, his roommates did not know. Remus thought that if she was pretty enough and not inclined to protect her virtue, then Sirius probably would risk the wrath and endless teasing of James to do so.

"What does he do, this Lord whatever?" Peter asked. Like Remus, Peter was a half-blood; however, Peter's mother was a muggle-born witch as opposed to Remus' mother who was non-magical. Peter was fascinated by the pure blood families like the Blacks and the Potters. He reminded Remus of those Muggles who lived for gossip on the Royal Family. But Remus did have to admit that the tidbits which Sirius would often throw around about his family did make them sound intriguing, although not always in a flattering way.

"Lord Voldemort," Sirius corrected. "It's not just what he does, but the power that he seems to have over people. He's been around for awhile but recently he's been gaining power, particularly it seems among the Dark Wizards. Well, not that there were many of any other kind of wizard at THAT wedding. What did your dad say about him, Prongs?" Remus wondered if Sirius was trying to distract James' game, but the volley continued.

"Oh, just that he's one of those pure blood supremacists, although it's unclear whether or not he is a pure blood himself. My dad said that he likes to surround himself with wealthy, well connected people – no names were mentioned," James smiled and Sirius groaned. "But no one knows what kind of a family he comes from. Some people are pressuring officials like my dad to intervene with this bloke and put an end to his plans, but the Ministry officials don't take him that seriously."

"Why not?" Peter asked.

"They reckon people will lose interest in a celebrity like that if they don't call attention to him," James answered. His eyes continued to follow the sock as it moved back and forth more quickly between the two beds.

"That's the trouble with you decent people. You underestimate the dark motivations of others. Your dad needs to understand that when power is only a step away it is like smelling a cake baking in the next room. It smells so delicious that you can't wait to have it all. Voldemort is promising more power to the pure bloods and freedom for the practice of the Dark Arts. They are not going to walk away from that too easily." Sirius' voice was steady as he explained this to James. "At least, not the people I know. DAMN IT!" he swore as James got the winning point. "Another game?"

"No," James said as he got off his bed and ran his hand through his messy black hair. "I'm going to see who's in the common room."

"She doesn't like you!" Sirius teased, shouting after him as James walked towards the door.

James turned back towards them and flashed a cocky smile, "She will."

* * *

As Remus remembered that exchange, it seemed interesting in hindsight that while James was remembered for his tireless fight against Voldemort, Sirius had been the one who first pointed out the dangers in ignoring an encroaching evil. Sirius and James had the same beliefs although they came to them in different ways. Sirius knew about the misuse of power. He knew the people who would gain if Voldemort won. They weren't an abstraction to him and he had reason to fight them. If he had wanted to join with them, he had had a lifetime of opportunity. It didn't make sense to Remus that Sirius would do it at a time when it meant sacrificing his best friend and the godchild he loved.

Remus was nervous when he attended the first Quidditch match of the New Year. Harry had practiced the Patronus charm relentlessly and had come a long way in a short period of time. It was doubtful that the Dementors would return to the Quidditch pitch, but Remus was glad he was there to provide reinforcements as necessary. Harry was a great flyer, he noticed right away. He had James' quick reflexes and his powerful determination within the game. Remus became so wrapped up in the game, that it surprised him when the Patronus suddenly emerged large and well-formed from Harry's wand. He looked over and saw the Dementor. Almost immediately he knew something wasn't right. There was no feeling of cold within his mind and none of the people around him seemed disturbed, only happy that Harry had caught the snitch. When the Dementor toppled over to reveal Draco Malfoy, Remus was unable to feel resentment at the boy's prank. He was unable to feel anything other than a bursting pride for the Patronus Harry had cast. For the first time, Remus knew how parents felt when their children learned their words and repeated their actions. He knew how Sirius had felt when the baby Harry grabbed his proffered finger with unexpected strength. Children are a mirror reflecting the adults who are important in their lives and today that mirror was kind to Remus.

The dream began as it had happened in a past reality. He was in the Godric's Hollow church. Sirius looked as handsome as he had looked as a young man. For the occasion he wore his best clothes and his hair was neatly combed. He walked with the regal bearing of his noble upbringing. Lily looked beautiful as she entered with James. Her cheeks were flushed with new motherhood and her figure was fuller from nursing, but not in a bad way. James carried Harry and the three of them joined Sirius. Sirius kissed Lily's cheek and took the baby from James. Carefully he arranged the blanket around Harry so he would not catch cold in the damp church. Remus watched him look into Harry's face, smiling as he spoke words that Remus could not hear. Sirius kissed the baby's forehead. As the family stood at the altar, Sirius said vows that Remus knew were not in the service. "I will never abandon the ones I love. If he comes for me, I will die before I give him Harry." And then Remus heard pounding on the church door and knew that Voldemort indeed had come for all of them.

He woke with a start but the pounding continued. "Professor Lupin! Professor Lupin!" he heard a voice call. "Wake up!"

"What is it?" he said, pulling on his dressing gown as he opened the door. Mr. Filch was gasping on the other side.

"It's Sirius Black! He was in the castle, with a knife!" Filch shouted, before giving Remus his instructions to search the castle.

It was morning before Remus returned to his rooms. Once again he knew he had made a mistake in not telling anyone about the passages. As teachers and students asked repeatedly how Sirius could have gotten into the castle, Remus remained silent. He knew that Sirius had been here all along. How long could he continue his silence? Was he now guilty in his complicity? While he, like James and like the Sirius of his dream, would never abandon the ones he loved, did Sirius still fall into that category? Was he still the person of Remus' memory or had his mind been so twisted that Remus would no longer know him? How could Remus repay James' kindness by protecting Harry and protect Sirius at the same time?

Remus lay fully clothed upon his bed searching for a comforting thought or a relevant memory, but none would come to him. Even the scorpions had gone dormant and refused to stir. Suddenly he felt more alone than ever.

_To readers and reviewers: Obrigado, Ignea. Thank you RemusLives23, SomeoneAKAme, LadyA, MissFreddy, ShinyObjects, Malianani, thank you JulzPadfootMoony for another flattering review, and thank you MinervaEvenstar! Your comments make me so happy!_


	17. Chapter 17 Drawn In

_A/N: There's a small clue in this chapter. Something Remus doesn't yet realize._

**17. Drawn In**

Remus splashed cold water on his face. He looked up at his dripping reflection in the mirror and did it again. He needed to clear his mind. He had to wash away the thoughts and memories that had clouded his judgment since he arrived at Hogwarts. In the years since James' death he had lived in a dark, cold place. During these past months he had been wrapping himself in warm memories as it they were a soft blanket. He had allowed himself to melt back into a time that was now so far away. The truth was what was happening now and it was frigid.

In the days since Sirius had tried to attach Ron Weasley, Remus had tried to find an explanation for what Sirius had done. He heard Ron's description of Sirius cutting the hangings and standing above him with a knife. Had Sirius mistaken him for Harry? Had he not bothered to check who was sleeping in which bed before attacking, or had he planned on murdering each boy so that there would be no witnesses to Harry's death? Or did he intend to find Ron? Ron Weasley's uncles, Gideon and Fabian Prewitt, had been in the Order of the Phoenix with Remus. He had known them well as did Sirius, but Remus could not think of anything else to connect Sirius to the boy. All pure blood wizarding families were connected somehow by blood, but if it were family members he was after, then why a distant relative as opposed to someone closely related such as Draco Malfoy?

Remus also wondered briefly if there was something of James' which Harry had and Sirius wanted, but that was unlikely. Everything of James and Lily's was likely to have been destroyed with their home. Remus knew of Lily's sister who had raised Harry and knew that she was opposed to anything magical; therefore, it was next to impossible that she had kept anything for him. The Gringotts account was most likely in Harry's name and, as Remus remembered, it was more than substantial, but Sirius had never been interested in acquiring wealth. He had enough of his own. The only thing of James' that Harry might possibly have was the Invisibility Cloak. It was old and rare and someone may have been able to save that from the devastation. In fact, somewhere, in the back of his mind, Remus remembered hearing that James did not have the cloak when he was in hiding; which may have benefited him more then than the other times Remus had seen him use it.

Remus sighed at his reflection and splashed his face again with the icy water. An invisibility cloak seemed trifling after an escape from Azkaban. There was no convenient fiction for him to rely upon other and he was forced to face the truth about Sirius.

Perhaps it had been a manipulation from the beginning. Had Sirius sensed Remus' need for compassion as well as his more animalistic physical desires and played upon them? Had he manipulated James' friendship and his kind-hearted nature? Had Sirius used Peter's hero worship of him and James to gain his trust? It exhausted Remus to think that it had been a plan from the beginning and they all had been duped. It was best to just move on and put his thoughts to better use.

Filius Flitwick had been the Charms professor when Remus was a student. Although it had taken him awhile to think of Flitwick now as a colleague, he was the faculty member with whom Remus had become most friendly. That night he met up with Flitwick in the entrance hall before they walked together to Hagrid's cottage for one of their frequent card games.

"Are we waiting for Pomona?" Remus asked about Professor Sprout after he had greeted his companion.

Flitwick shook his head, "No, she can't make it tonight, a problem in the greenhouse apparently."

The February air steamed their breath as they set out into the night. Flitwick made conversation about the temperature and his hope for the quick arrival of spring, but Remus didn't mind the cold. He liked the quiet peace that settled upon the world as it curled in upon itself, awaiting the burst of new life that is spring.

"Filius, I've been meaning to ask you," Remus began slowly. Although he had vowed to himself that he would no longer pursue this avenue, he still had one nagging question. "Is there any way that the Fidelius Charm can be broken by anyone other than the Secret Keeper?"

Flitwick snorted. Even his laugh had the squeaky quality to it that James and Sirius used to imitate when they were students. "No, it's foolproof. Why? Are you thinking about Black?"

"Y-yes," Remus stuttered. "After what happened the other night, I've been wondering what went wrong. I thought maybe someone else broke the charm and the grief over James and Lily's deaths set him off and not being able to fulfill his role made him a killer. It was just a thought." Remus shrugged as if it really didn't matter.

"It shocked me too when it happened, but if Sirius Black was their Secret Keeper, then only he could give that information to you-know-who." Flitwick sounded kind, but firm.

"It would make me feel better to know that he wasn't the one, but…" Remus let the sentence drift away with the frost of his breath.

Fortunately the mood within Hagrid's cottage was jovial enough to raise Remus' spirits. Madam Hooch was already at the cottage when Flitwick and Remus arrived and Hagrid's ample supply of Firewhiskey warmed them almost instantly. As colleagues they respected and enjoyed each other's company. While they may each have had their own personal torments, and Remus knew that Hagrid did, they were all more than willing to put those away in the effort to succeed at the game of skill and chance.

When Flitwick had lost enough money and drank enough Firewhiskey, Remus accompanied him back to the castle in silence. It was very late and Remus listened to the sounds of the night. The wind rustled the dead leaves in the trees of the Forbidden Forest. There was a faint sound of hooves as centaurs kept watch, wary as to where the men might wander. An owl screeched as it flew overhead in search of prey. In the distance a dog barked and Remus heard the lapping sound of the lake against the sandy shore. The frozen ground made a satisfying crunch under their feet and the sound of their breathing was low and easy. In the morning the grounds would be alive with the thunder of children, lessons, and Quidditch practice, but at the moment everything was still.

He had much to be grateful for, Remus thought to himself as he walked with Flitwick. He had new friends, a great job, students who liked him, staff who understood his affliction and were unafraid, and he had Harry. In the stark, cold darkness of the moonless sky, Remus reminded himself that things were not always great when he had been with Sirius. So many things had gone unsaid over the years that without knowing Sirius thoughts, Remus may have chosen to interpret acts and feelings to mirror his own. He needed to live in the present not in the past. He needed to rejoin the world.

Remus found himself thinking of Polly and the night he slept in her bed above the bookstore. While she effectively took his mind off of Sirius, there were complications in continuing to see her. Hogsmeade was a small village, but it had to have a few single, unattached women and Remus resolved that he would make another visit there as soon as possible. Unfortunately that weekend was Hogsmeade weekend and Remus did not want to risk being seen by his students as he looked for a shag, so he decided to wait until the following weekend.

His fifth year students were keeping him busy. They were an enjoyable class, particulary because Fred and George Weasley were in that group, but they had to learn a great deal of information before taking their OWLS. Remus was in his office creating a practice test when Snape called for him from the fireplace. Traveling by floo was never his favorite way to move between offices, but Snape sounded annoyed and Remus thought it best to diffuse the other man's concerns before they blew up on him. He had made a tentative peace with Snape and was working hard to keep that up while they worked together.

When he appeared in Snape's office, Snape had the self-satisfied look of someone who had discovered a very nasty secret. In his hands was a worn piece of parchment and in front of him stood Harry Potter looking very nervous. Snape thrust the parchment at Remus who read the words before him. It was the Marauder's Map. He had nearly forgotten about it. Years ago Filch had confiscated it from Sirius during their seventh year, not knowing what it was and, even with the Invisibility Cloak, James and Sirius had been unable to steal it back. How in the world had it come into Harry's possession? Remus pictured what James face would look like if he knew his son was exploring the castle with the map he had made. He remembered James' proud grin and mischievous eyes as Remus suppressed a laugh.

"Well?" Snape asked impatiently.

Remus looked at Harry, willing him to keep quiet. He searched for an explanation, something that would appease Snape who, Remus guessed, might remember the identities of Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. He stared at the names and the insult that was printed upon the page before him. The joke had been lost on Filch as well, all those years ago, leading to the maps confiscation. That this parchment was just a harmless joke was the fastest explanation that came to him.

Although Snape seemed to question Remus' explanation, he did not challenge him too harshly before Harry. He had promised Dumbledore that he would not expose Remus' friendship with James to Harry and let the incident pass with a belligerent look that meant that there was more wrath to come for Remus. Instead of feeling relieved that he was able to walk away from the situation, Remus began to realize what this meant. Harry also knew of the passageways and had most likely been exploring them. That fact that he had walked right into the place where Remus suspected Sirius was hiding, was frightening. He scolded Harry for his recklessness – the same recklessness that been in Harry's father and in Sirius.

When he left Harry, Remus' breath was tight in throat. Was Sirius still in the passages? If he was then why hadn't Harry encountered him? And if he wasn't then where had he been hiding? How was he getting in and out without drawing the suspicion of the townspeople of Hogsmeade? He went into his office and opened the parchment. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good," he said the once familiar incantation while touching the parchment with his wand. The map drew itself in front of him. Remus searched the dots on map for a sign of Sirius. He was nowhere to be found at Hogwarts. "Mischief managed," he whispered, folded the parchment, and locked it in his desk.

--

"Do you think it's a good idea to draw pictures?" Remus had asked James as he carefully drew the passage way they had explored the previous night onto the parchment before him. "If we put in on parchment then we can't deny that we know about them, let alone that we've been in them."

"Of course it's a good idea," James replied with confidence. He looked up at Remus and flashed his crocked smile. "Think of it as a safety precaution. We could get lost for days down there if we don't have something to guide us. But you haven't heard the best part!" He looked at Sirius who continued.

"We're going to enchant it so not only can it only be read by those who know the spell, but also we can place people into map so that we can see where everyone is within the entire castle. That way we will never risk running into a teacher or Filch again," Sirius seemed very excited by the prospect.

"How will you do that?" Peter asked. He was not a great student and always looking for help with magic.

"Dark magic, no doubt," Remus told him in a disapproving tone.

"Moony, Moony, Moony," James put down his quill to mock Remus. "Why are you always so closed minded? There are some times when we can bend the Dark Arts for our own personal…" he looked at Sirius as he searched for the right word.

"Amusement," Sirius finished his thought. "And I think that passage turns a bit to the left when the tunnel turns downward," he directed James who had resumed drawing.

"Right," James said and corrected his mistake.

"Whose idea was this map?" Remus asked them.

"Both of ours," Sirius told him.

"Although only one of us has unlimited access to Dark Magic, so I will have to credit Mr. Padfoot with conceiving the idea for this lovely item," James bowed in mock respect to Sirius.

Sirius bowed back, laughing at James, "I need to have something to do during those long holidays without you lot, especially now that the Animagi spells were such a success."

If Remus was about to make a disapproving comment, Sirius' reminding him about the risk his friends had taken made him reconsider and keep quiet. Sirius must have noticed the guilt in Remus' expression because he continued, "Anyhow, it's not truly a Dark enchantment. I learned it from my cousin who used it when she was a student to send clandestine love notes to her boyfriend while she was home on holiday so that her sisters could not read them. It's pretty harmless."

"Which cousin?" James asked casually as he continued to draw. James and Sirius had been the best of friends since the day they both arrived at Hogwarts. They occasionally visited each other's homes during the summer holiday and James was the most familiar with Sirius' extended family, having met some of them at Grimmauld Place.

"Andromeda," Sirius replied. "The one who got disowned by the family when she married the Muggle-born bloke. It was to him, Ted, that she was sending the notes, so she had good reason for keeping it a secret from them. She knew what the reaction would be."

"So you're not allowed to marry Muggle-borns in your family?" Peter asked.

Sirius didn't like to be told what to do by anyone. Remus could tell that by the way he spoke that he admired Andromeda for standing up to the family and accepting the cost of that action. "Not if you listen to them. _Toujours pur_ is the motto and a way of life. The numbers of those who qualify as pure blooded get smaller all the time, much to the disgrace of my family." Sirius grimaced at the thought.

"Fortunately, Wormtail, not all pure blood families are like that," James said. "We don't all believe that we are better or have more right to magic that other witches and wizards. Lily is muggle-born and she's very _pur_." James chuckled at his play on the words of the Black Family motto.

"But you're hoping not _toujours_, right?" Sirius teased. _Toujours _meant 'always' in French and the sexual innuendo made Remus laugh.

"You know, Moony, we like you better when you see the humor in what we do," James told him. He smiled, put one hand on Remus' shoulder, and with the other he handed Remus the quill. "Here. It's your turn to draw."

Remus took the quill from James hand. Not only was he a prefect then but he had always lived his life cautiously, trying not to be noticed by others for fear that they would realize what he was. When he arrived at Hogwarts he had hoped to make friends, but he imagined friends to be other students who would sit with him at lunch so that he would not need to eat alone. He never imagined that he would have friends like these. Friends who underwent the danger of learning Dark spells so that they could be with him when he was most alone. From James' hand that was on his shoulder, Remus felt the warmth and faithfulness of James' friendship radiate throughout him. He knew then that he would also always be willing to risk anything, including his life to protect James, Sirius, and Peter. He smiled back at James and began drawing the passage from the Whomping Willow to the Shrieking Shack, confident now that it was harmless to join in with them after all.

_To readers and reviewers: Thanks for the great reviews! They mean so much to me._


	18. Chapter 18 Listen

_A/N: The woman Remus meets in this chapter is described as an airhead in GOF by the Minister of Magic; however, I believe he did that just to cover his own arse. I see her as a cross between Samantha from "Sex and the City" and the woman Remus eventually marries (yes, I know, boo-hiss Tonks. It's the trouble with writing canon fiction – LOL.)_

**18. Listen**

While the nights were still cold, the days were getting warmer and everyone's spirits were lifted with the promise of the oncoming spring. Dementors still guarded the gates of the school, but Sirius Black had not been seen again since the night after Gryffindor's Quidditch win. There was some talk that perhaps Sirius had given up after two failed attempts at Harry, but Remus knew him better than that. Sirius had always been tenacious and he was lurking somewhere nearby. Remus checked the map frequently for a sign of Sirius and although he didn't see one, he still feared for Harry. Remus didn't know how many times Harry had used the map to explore and, if his suspicions were correct, visit Hogsmeade. Harry had been very lucky that he had not run into Sirius during one of his clandestine excursions.

Unlike students, teachers were free to come and go from the school and, in keeping the promise he had made to himself, Remus left for Hogsmeade on a Saturday afternoon. If possible, he hoped to avoid the bookstore this time. He was also hopeful that, after so much time, maybe the patrons at the pub might be more likely to discuss with him their knowledge of what was happening in the search for Sirius. The Three Broomsticks was busy with townspeople, Hogwarts staff, and a few people who Remus suspected worked for the Ministry. He sat alone with the hope that another lonely person might sit down beside him, anxious for a conversation. The first person who joined him seemed only interested in discussing Quidditch, a subject in which Remus had only superficial knowledge. He followed the scores from the matches that were printed in _The Daily Prophet,_ but was none too good at analyzing the performances of the various seekers and chasers on the national teams. His companion eventually found another person who shared his interest and Remus was alone again.

Before long a woman approached him. She had brassy, blond hair and a friendly smile. "I've been watching you and I believe we were at school together," she said to Remus.

"Were we?" Remus asked. "I'm afraid my memory is not that good for names and faces."

"I was a few years ahead of you. Remus Lupin, right?" she asked him. Remus nodded. "I'm Bertha Jorkins," She held out her hand and Remus shook it and asked her to sit down next to him. Remus ordered himself another pint and offered to get her one as well.

Remus vaguely remembered Bertha. What he did know of her was information that had been given to him by Sirius, who had gone out with her for a brief time at the end of their fifth year after he had turned sixteen. Bertha was finishing her seventh year and they were all impressed that he was dating an older girl.

"But she's an idiot!" Sirius told them one night when he returned from an evening with Bertha. "I have to keep snogging her so she'll stop her bloody talking!"

They had all laughed at Sirius' predicament, which they admired as much as they sympathized.

"So why not break up with her?" James asked him.

Sirius raised his eyebrows, "One word, Prongs: Sex."

"At least you're consistent in what you're looking for in a girlfriend. But just because you can doesn't mean you should," James said. While Sirius was on a grand sexual exploration at that time, James had just discovered how much he liked Lily Evans and was determined to forsake all others for her. Lily didn't seem to have much interest in James, but he was confident that he could wear her down, especially by impressing her with his fidelity.

"Prongs, a bad day with shagging is better than a good day without," Sirius replied smiling. "At least with Bertha, every day is a good day." They all laughed with him, but inside Remus wondered what a good day was like and if he would ever have one.

"So, do you live in Hogsmeade?" Remus asked Bertha after she got her drink.

She snorted, "No! Mother of Merlin, I think I'd kill myself if I had to live in this small community. I'm more of a city person. I'm in town on business."

"What kind of business?" he asked, interested in her conversation as much as the possibility of spending more time with her.

"I work for the Ministry of Magic. I've been there for almost as long as I have been out of school."

"Really?" Remus asked. This was getting more interesting. "Are you an Auror?"

She laughed, "I wish it was that exciting. No, I'm in public relations. I'm here to make sure there are no problems with the residents of Hogsmeade with all the commotion in town, especially with the Dementors. They are none too happy, as you can imagine."

"They must feel safe, though," Remus added, "especially after the most recent incident at Hogwarts."

Bertha shrugged, "But it's not helping. He's still here, or at least Fudge thinks so."

"And you," asked Remus. "What do you think?"

"Well," Bertha looked around to make sure they weren't overheard. "At first I thought the Ministry's interpretation that he was headed to Hogwarts was bullocks. I mean, Harry Potter's just a kid. People don't escape from prison to kill a kid. But then we put all our resources here and he shows up, not once but twice! And then we still can't catch him! It's quite an embarrassment to the Minister. I bet he feels like Black's doing it just to make us all look as if we're chasing our tails." Bertha shook her head and a strand of her sweet smelling hair brushed accidentally against Remus' neck. "I went out with him when we were students. I don't know if you knew that."

"I seem to recall something about that," Remus answered coyly.

She looked at him suspiciously, wondering how much he knew. "Well, erm, that seems like something he'd enjoy. Thwarting authority, making people crazy, I mean."

Remus laughed despite himself, "I never thought about it that way, but I suppose you're right." He took a thoughtful sip from his glass and then added, "I think the decision to give Black the Dementor's kiss is a bit over the top. I mean, besides escaping months ago he hasn't committed any more crimes other than breaking into Hogwarts and threatening a student. I'm not saying that's not a bad thing, but that it's not exactly mass murder, is it?"

Bertha raised her glass and clinked it with his. "Over-the-top is Fudge's middle name!" she said and then proceeded to tell Remus every misstep the Minister had made in handling Sirius' case.

So many years had gone by since they were students together and in that time Bertha had changed from a somewhat plump, whiney girl to a confident and voluptuous woman. While he didn't like to think that he was attracted to only one type of woman, Bertha was definitely the type he found himself with most often. Remus liked women who were self-reliant. He liked women with interesting careers and, having had poor luck with employment over the years due to his condition, he enjoyed it when they told him about their jobs. He lived vicariously through their stories. He liked women who were invested in themselves and, therefore, unconcerned when he disappeared for a few days every month. Needy women were suspicious; self-confident women appreciated time to themselves.

When Madam Rosmerta announced last call, due to the hour and the oncoming patrol of Dementors, there was an audible groan from all of the patrons. "I should be going, too," Remus told Bertha. He was disappointed to leave because their conversation had been very entertaining. She was a bit of a gossip, but also a wealth of information on the topic of the search for Sirius Black.

"Or you could stay," she said to him with a seductive look.

The Dementors may be bad for business in Hogsmeade, Remus remarked to himself, but they did seem to have a good effect on his sex life.

Bertha's room was dark when they arrived and she illuminated the candles with a flick of her wand. In the glow of firelight, Remus saw that the chairs were covered in lingerie and the table was piled with paper. Bertha was disorganized, but he didn't mind. He liked that she didn't feel that she needed to change herself for anyone. "Just so we're clear," she had told him before they left the tavern. "I'm not looking for romance. I won't be in town for very long. It's lonely having to travel so much and I've enjoyed talking to you. You're the first interesting person I've met in a while. But, if that's not okay, if you're looking for something else, I'll understand."

"You're not married are you?" Remus asked cautiously. He hoped he could avoid going down that road again.

"Bloody hell, no! Why?"

"Let's just say I've learned that I need to ask," Remus responded with a smile as he placed his hand on top of hers.

"A bad experience, eh? You and me both," She laughed.

Remus had always liked women. He liked their fragrant skin, how they tasted, how they touched him. He liked their smooth bodies and the lacy stream of their hair. He loved to feel their soft breast, their sharp nipples, and explore their secret depths. He liked the sound their enraptured cries when he made love to them. He was a considerate lover, always sensing correctly what to do next, when to hold back, when to take more time, when to push forward. But if he had had any questions, Bertha was not too shy to tell him what she wanted, just as she was unafraid to ask what it was he liked, and he didn't hesitate to tell her.

There were times like this when he lay with a woman, completely satisfied and warm after a night of energetic shagging, that a question would briefly appear in his mind, causing him to quickly bat it away. Since he liked women so much, then why had he been drawn to Sirius? The answer was hidden like a knot deep inside him and recently he had felt it begin to unfurl.

When he got back to Hogwarts the next morning he began to feel the pain throb in his joints. The pull of the moon had started and he knew without checking his lunar chart that he only had a few days left before he needed the potion. He had managed to avoid Snape since the incident with the map, but he knew that they would come face to face with each other soon and he would need to say something about it.

"It's not what you think, that parchment," he told Snape when he entered his office to receive the Wolfsbane potion.

Snape looked up at him coldly, "Really? What is it that I think?"

Remus ignored his snide reaction. "It's just a bad joke. I'm sure that Harry didn't…"

"Stop it, Lupin. I know who Padfoot and Prongs are! And I find it hard to envision how a parchment with their names on it ended up in a joke shop," Snape had a familiar accusatory look and his voice was heavy with sarcasm. Like Remus, Snape was also trying to determine how Harry had an item that had once belonged to his father and Sirius.

The lie came quickly to Remus. "James and Sirius were always creating things. Maybe they sold it. They could be enterprising."

"I wasn't aware they would stoop so low as to earn a living," Snape was again sarcastic, but Remus could tell he was getting through.

"Severus, they were my roommates. They kept my secret for so many years. I felt indebted to them. I know I should have stood up to them, especially for the things they did to you, and I regret, deeply regret, that I did not." Remus faced Snape who was looking away.

"I am sorry," Remus continued. "I'm not looking for your forgiveness. I just want you to know that I will always be loyal to that memory. But today I am loyal to Hogwarts and to you. I trust you to keep my secret. You should know that I am grateful." He was sincere as he said these words. Snape had no reaction as he handed Remus the steaming goblet.

* * *

In his dream, he was running through the passages after Harry. "I will kill him!" Harry screamed, his voice full of malicious determination. "I will kill him for what he did to my parents," The tunnel was dark and only faintly lit by Remus' wand. He heard the footfall of distinct runners ahead of him, but every time he turned a corner, they did as well, passing just beyond his field of vision. Harry was chasing someone, Remus knew, someone who knew the passages as well as he did. He tried to catch them, speeding up as he stumbled forward in the darkness, but they continued just beyond his reach. Was trying to protect Harry from Sirius or Sirius from Harry?

Remus woke up with a start. He was burning up inside. His sheets were damp and twisted from the nightmare, also because of the moon, which would be full the next day. He threw back the bedclothes and walked to the window. He opened the sash and leaned out into the night breeze, letting it cool his fiery brow. The air was refreshingly cold, as if winter had never left. The familiar sounds of night greeted him as he began to relax, listening to their predictable music. The lake lapped against the shore, the wind rustled the leaves, an owl hooted, and a dog barked. The stillness reminded Remus that within the confusion of his world, there was an inside peace that could always be found.

Remus took a deep breath, shut the window, and climbed back into his bed. He had enjoyed the warmth of Bertha's body when they had shared her bed the night before, but tonight he would have to find comfort in the soothing familiarity of Hogwarts. He closed his eyes and replayed the soft night music that floated just beyond his shuttered window.

Suddenly his eyes shot open and Remus sprang up in bed. There were no dogs at Hogwarts beyond the two that belonged to Hagrid and their barks were unmistakable. When Fluffy barked, all three heads chimed in together and while Fang rarely barked, when he did his howling was enough to shake the castle. The barking that he had heard tonight as well that which echoed in the woods the night he left Hagrid's cottage, did not come from either of those animals. Suddenly Remus knew where Sirius was and how he had managed to avoid detection.

_To readers and reviewers: RemusLives23 –you are almost always the first review I get on my chapters and you give me hope that my efforts are worthwhile. I love your input! SomeoneAkAme – your simple "this is good" is all I need to brighten my day. ShinyObjects and LadyAnalyn – I LOVE your comments. They make me think of ways to make this story better. MissFreddy – POA is my favorite too and this fic exists because I feel so much is missing in that book. Specifically, more information on Remus' feelings._


	19. Chapter 19 Turn

_A/N: Ever notice the big inconsistancy between what we learn about prisoners in Azkaban in POA and GOF (that they go mad almost instantly) and the fact that when the Death Eaters escape in OOTP they seem to have all their wits? _

**19. Turn**

It first came about as an inside joke. James started calling Sirius "Padfoot" as a play on his being named for the Dog Star. It was a Black family custom to name children for stars and galaxies that James found amusing. In response, Sirius began calling James "Prongs" because of the latter's habit of proudly walking naked throughout their room. "Wormtail" was first a disparaging reflection on Peter's nudity. These names came about gradually and by the time they began calling Remus "Moony" it was in their second year and the secret of his monthly transformations was known among his roommates. So when it came to choosing their animagus forms the decision was easy. Except, that is for Peter, who needed some convincing that becoming a rat made sense.

"A rat?" Peter asked them, "Why a rat?"

"Well, it's the one animal you don't seem to be afraid of," Sirius told him.

James tried another approach. "And we need a small animal that is nimble enough to do the things us larger animals can't do."

"Why can't I be the stag? I'm not afraid of deer," Peter's voice was whiney as he argued. Remus reckoned he knew his effort was a lost cause.

"Because Prongs and I came up with the idea, so we get to choose. We decided that we would base our animals on our nicknames. If you can think of something else with a worm tail, we'll consider it, won't we Prongs?" Sirius was determined that everything go the way he had planned. Remus wondered if secretly he hoped Peter would back out and not join them. Sometimes he wasn't worth the effort.

"Wormtail, you can have your pick of any small animal, but think of one soon, because we are almost ready." James was far more reasonable in his dealings with Peter, but Peter still fumed.

James and Sirius practiced in the summer before returning to Hogwarts for their fifth year. While Remus had never been there, he had learned that Grimmauld Place was a large house with plenty of room and very few rules so that Sirius and James could do whatever they wanted. Regulus and Sirius had grown up with very little adult supervision. Raising two energetic boys who were so close in age had proved too much for their parents and most of the hard work was left to a staff of house elves, who Sirius and his brother quickly learned to manipulate. Even if Mr. and Mrs. Black were concerned about what Sirius and James were up to, they would not have been too upset to learn that Dark Magic was being practiced under their roof. The Blacks considered themselves traditionalists and kept many of the old ways of magic, which had long since been outlawed. Another reason that Grimmauld Place was the perfect place for Sirius and James to practice was because, if anything had gone wrong, it was more than likely that someone in the family would have an idea of how to fix it or at least know who to call in a Knockturn Ally apothecary for assistance. Fortunately, nothing went wrong and they returned to school anxious to show Remus and Peter.

By the time he entered his fifth year, Remus was able to convince Madam Pomfrey that he no longer needed her to walk him to the Whomping Willow. While she had, at first, been frightened by being so close to a werewolf as the full moon approached, she grew quite fond of Remus as the years passed and looked forward to the time they spent together. She liked watching him grow into a young man and the day was bittersweet for her when he told her that he could take care of himself.

"You're sure?" she asked him skeptically.

"Yes, of course," Remus answered with confidence. "I've been doing this every month for nearly five years. I know the way and I know what to do." He felt a little guilty not telling her the whole truth; that the real reason he didn't want her hanging around was that his friends would soon be joining him.

Madam Pomfrey sighed, "Well, okay, but you need to promise me two things: first, that you will leave yourself plenty of time to get there. No shortcuts or last minute studying to make you late. And second, that you will let me know as soon as possible if you need my help. You'll never be too old to not need the help of others, Remus."

"I promise," he told her.

He walked there alone at nightfall. Even the short, familiar distance seemed to take forever as the wolf clawed inside him and his joints throbbed with pain. His mind felt as if it was filling with fog and his vision blurred. "I can do it," Remus told himself, "I have to make it." When he got to the tree, he found the broken branch that was placed there for him. Sensing his presence, the tree lurched in his direction. He struggled in his weakening state to find the knot. Once he pressed the branch against it, the tree went still and he entered the tunnel. "Lumos," he muttered and his wand illuminated the passage. It had gotten more difficult to move within the tunnel every year as he grew. Remus bent over to walk towards the shack and the downward tilt of his head brought with it a new onslaught of pain. Remus wondered if it was a good idea to allow his friends to see him this way.

As always, his strength had nearly left him by the time he reached the trap door. He would always take a few minutes to catch his breath before attempting to pull himself into the shack. This time the trap door was opened for him. Through the mist of his vision he saw James and Sirius smiling down at him and they reached out their strong arms to pull him through. He lay on the floor of the shack panting hard, trying to speak.

"What would you do without us, Moony?" Sirius laughed. "How would you have managed to get in here?"

"I would have managed," Remus replied weakly. "I always do."

"What next?" asked James, "What do you do when get in?"

"I just wait. I get a blanket and wait. When are you going to transform?" Remus' limbs were more painful now and he spoke through gritted teeth.

"Right when you do. Let us know when it's going to happen," James said.

Despite himself, Remus laughed, "You'll know." He unclasped his robe, folded it, and placed it on the floor. He added his jumper to the pile.

"Why are you taking off your clothes?" Peter asked.

"Because they will rip if he doesn't," Sirius answered for Remus. "We'll have to do the same. Well, you don't have to, Wormtail, I assume you'll just wriggle out of them when the time comes."

Remus was too weak to respond, but it worried him to hear Sirius say 'I assume.' It reminded him that his friends were taking a big risk to do this and they were probably not aware how dangerous he was. If it didn't work, Remus could really hurt or even kill them.

James must have noticed Remus' worried look because he smiled reassuringly, "It'll be fine, Moony. It was no problem when we practiced it, right Padfoot?"

Sirius was shirtless as moved closer to Remus. He placed his hand on Remus' bare shoulder. "Don't worry, Moony," he told Remus. "We're going to have fun."

Remus felt more naked than he had ever before as his three roommates waited, watching him for signs of change. He wrapped the blanket more tightly around himself. The fog in his brain grew thick and he was only aware of raw emotions: the pain of his limbs, the soothing sound of Sirius' voice, the excited tap of James' foot, and the fear building within Peter. Remus suddenly felt the wolf pulling itself closer to the surface and his body stretching to conform to its demands. "Now!" he screamed, and with his last conscious look he saw James and Sirius look to each other with knowing self-confidence.

It was, in hindsight, a foolish idea for Peter to try it for the first time just as Remus was transforming. His fear had overwhelmed him and he was nearly unable to transform. Sirius, who had already become the dog, transformed quickly back to help Peter while James in his animagus form, stood close to the changing Remus. The night of exploration was an overall success, just as the rest of them would be, but Remus could never remember what happened when he was the wolf. His mind belonged to the beast.

James, Sirius, and Peter were dressed and asleep on the floor of the shack when he regained consciousness. Remus struggled for breath and to keep from vomiting. He was sick sometimes in those days, but with his friends there watching, Remus hoped he wouldn't humiliate himself in front of them. His throat felt raw as he swallowed hard to keep the bile from rising. It was too late and he staggered to the basin that was in the shack just for this purpose. Naked and retching, Remus heard his friends wake. He heard their concerned voices as they quickly got up from the floor. He knew the vomiting would make Peter queasy and Remus worried about upsetting his friend, but the anxiety only brought on more retching.

It was Sirius who came to him first. "Are you okay?" he asked Remus. He stood behind Remus, placing his hands on either side of Remus' arms. Remus nodded. "You had a tough night. We're here if you need anything." Sirius' kindness settled Remus and he felt himself return softly into his body.

"It was brilliant!" Sirius and James told him when Remus asked how it had all gone the night before. While Remus dressed, they excitedly shared with him everything that had happened. Peter chimed in occasionally, but Remus could see in his shifting glances that he was not as enamored by the adventure as the rest of them were. However, Peter's uncertainty was not foremost on Remus's mind. His roommates had just witnessed him in his most frightening and most vulnerable states and they had not turned away in fear or disgust. His heart was full with the love of friendship.

* * *

Since returning to Hogwarts, Remus had made a conscious effort to avoid the shack. It was too full of memories. Some of those memories were of the dark prison it had been for him in the days before his roommates had learned to transform. Those memories grew happier when his friends were able to join him, but they were still memories of his great physical pain. And then there was the memory of the time he had gone there alone with Sirius in the winter of their seventh year. Would it have been different if they had never gone? Would the emotional pain of loss been lessened?

He still could not bring himself to enter the shack, but after he had heard the dog barking at night he intentionally passed it on his way into Hogsmeade. As he stood before the shack so many years later, all the memories- the frightening, the exciting, the painful, and the erotic- came back to him and he felt them all, fresh within him again.

"There is always going to be this between us, Remus," Sirius had said, finally after a long silence when they had both tried to put what they felt into words, "but we have to fight it. That's the only chance we have for getting back to the way things were. I can't stand thinking about it all the time and wondering if you are thinking the same or hating me for what we did."

The desire within him wrestled with the fear that he could lose his friendship with Sirius; a friendship that he valued even more for the secret they held between them and for the sweetness of the intimacies they had shared. "I don't hate you. I don't even want to…" he couldn't bring himself to say it. "I just want to be back in that moment when I didn't feel alone, when I felt complete."

And now, years later, Remus found that the memory he wanted so much to relive was also the one he most despised. He couldn't be rational about the danger of Sirius if he were to remember the closeness they had shared or the feeling of being healed, loved, and needed he had had that night when Sirius let down his guard, opened up his emotions, and welcomed Remus in without fear, without shame.

He turned quickly from the shack and continued his journey to Hogsmeade.

"You look pale," Bertha said to him, examining his face after she let him in to her room. "Are you feeling alright?"

Remus could tell from her tone that she was not expressing any maternal concerns with her question. If Bertha was going to stay up all night, it wasn't because she was nursing a sick boyfriend. "Yes, I'm fine. Just a bit tired. I needed to get a lot of work done before I could get away," he told her. The truth was that the full moon had just passed and he usually looked pale afterwards.

"Well, I hope you didn't come here planning to get much sleep," she said with a hopeful smile. Remus quickly let her know that a good night's sleep was definitely not his intention.

Remus awoke the next morning to the familiar sound of a beak rapping against glass. Bertha groaned and unwound her limbs from his. She slid out of the bed and crossed the room, grabbing her dressing gown and a knut from the top of her dressing table. The owl waited patiently at the window for the exchange to be made. It had brought several things for Bertha and she leafed through the pages that had arrived as she walked back to the bed.

"It's cold out there," she said to Remus as she climbed in next to him. She sat up against the pillow and pulled the bedclothes back over them. "Do you want the newspaper?"

"Sure," Remus said sitting up and taking the paper from her. He read the headlines and a few quick articles. "What have you got there?" he asked her, referring to the pile of papers she was quickly reading through.

"Oh, just some Ministry bulletins and some information about my upcoming holiday. Anything interesting in _The Daily Prophet_?" She leaned her head onto his shoulder to look at the paper.

"Nothing new," Remus replied, holding up the front page to let her look. "Where are you going on holiday?"

"The Balkans. Have you ever been there?" Bertha asked. "It's beautiful."

"No, I've never been. Isn't Albania where you-know-who is said to be hiding?" Remus felt ridiculous calling Voldemort by the euphemism, but he didn't want to get into a lengthy explanation about the Order of the Phoenix.

Bertha shrugged and rolled her eyes. "Who knows? The Ministry was looking into several leads before they took all the Aurors off the case to work on this whole Sirius Black situation."

"That reminds me," Remus put down the paper and turned to her. "I've been meaning to ask you, how is it that he managed to keep his mind even after being exposed to Dementors every day for twelve years?"

"Oh, well, that's one of those dirty, little secrets the Ministry keeps from the public," Bertha said dropping her voice to a conspiratorial tone. "Not all of the prisoners in Azkaban lose their minds."

"Really?" Remus had never heard that before.

"Yes. Oh, the Dementors affect them momentarily just like you and I, and most prisoners do lose their minds very quickly, but some prisoners seem to be able to avoid that fate. Especially the most dangerous prisoners, like the Lestranges, have you heard of them?" she asked. Remus nodded, but refrained from adding that they were related to Sirius. "It's one way we can tell who is really dangerous."

"So either if they go mad then they weren't that dangerous? Wonderful!" Remus responded sarcastically. "And then, by Ministry logic, Sirius Black is very dangerous."

"You're quick, Remus," Bertha joked kissing him playfully on the cheek. "Yes, that's the logic Fudge is using. Anyhow, I probably shouldn't have told you this. Please don't say anything to anyone," Bertha put down her papers. "Can I do anything to make you forget what you just heard?" In her twinkling eyes Remus could see that she was open to many interesting possibilities.

"There is one thing I can think of that always makes me forget everything, including my own name," he said, pulling her back down with him under the blankets.

Eventually Bertha had to get ready for work and Remus reluctantly left her bed. He took his time on the way back to Hogwarts, stopping briefly at the outdoor market. Spring could be a cruel season with warm days of promise followed by cold days that made one feel as if winter would never leave. Although the day was very cold, the market was busy with vendors selling their wares, shoppers looking for provisions, and children anxious for treats. The sorcery of Bertha's sensuous mouth that morning had put Remus in the elated mood which only selfish satisfaction can attain. He was content to browse from table to table, watching people, thinking of items he might possibly need to purchase, and listening to the casual conversations around him. The vendor to his right was enthusiastically describing the flowers she had for sale, knowing that on a frigid day like this one people were interested in bringing a colorful sign of spring into their homes. The vendor on his left was far more caustic as he shouted, "Oi, geddaway from me table yer mangy dog!" Remus saw the man swat a towel at the animal that was trying to steal a piece of meat. Immediately Remus knew something wasn't right and he froze.

He stood still and the sounds around him seemed to disappear. He was only aware of the sound of his shortened breaths echoing in his head. Dogs could sense werewolves and were afraid of them. As far back as he could remember, dogs had always moved away warily whenever Remus came close. If he had the mind to look around him just then, Remus knew that he would not find any other dogs in the market. This hairy, black creature that he had only barely glimpsed was no dog.

It was the moment that Remus knew and feared would come - the moment when his assumptions of where and how Sirius was hiding would be proven true. He never imagined what he would do when that happened. Should he confront Sirius and ask for the truth? Should he tell Dumbledore or Bertha or one of the many Aurors in the town of Hogsmeade? Did he accept that Sirius was a murderer who deserved the Dementor's kiss or did he know, really know, that Sirius was innocent?

Unable to decide, Remus turned to go. He could pretend that this moment had never happened. Sirius probably didn't even know he was there. But as he moved from where he stood he felt a presence follow him. The dog panted quietly as it kept pace with him. Remus walked slowly away from the tables in the market to a nearby tree. He didn't turn around.

"Padfoot," he whispered when he was sure no others were near them. He stared in front of him, looking at nothing. "Padfoot, if that is you, you must go. If I see you, I will have to turn you in, even as a dog." He pulled his hands from the pockets of his robe and left them by his side, his palms facing behind him. The dog licked his palm and fingers lightly with its rough tongue, reminding Remus of all those times when he had felt pleasure in Sirius' touch. He didn't pull away. Inside him scorpions flicked and twisted as he fought his desire to remain close to Sirius. "No," he whispered. His voice was soft and choked with tears. "Please don't. Just go. There is nothing for you here."

Remus felt the matted fur brush against his hands as he heard Sirius move into the woods. He stood by the tree for a few more moments, suffering the piercing teeth of scorpions, wishing that just once he had turned around to look.

_To readers and reviewers: Thanks everyone who said they liked Bertha in the last chapter. I hope you liked her here as well. Thanks for the great reviews once again. Thank you Little Boy on Her Bike for taking the time to check in. _


	20. Chapter 20 Choose

_A/N: I only borrow these characters to give them lots of angst._

**20. Choose**

Remus staggered from the market. His mind was blank, not registering any of the sights, sounds, or even the sting of the cold air. His thoughts of love, anger, fear, sadness, desire, and concern fought each other for recognition and died before he could feel any one of them.

By the time he got to the gates of Hogwarts he was running, not thinking, not knowing what he was to do next. He was so lost in himself that he forgot about the Dementors until it was too late. He stumbled into their cold embrace and immediately they were in his mind.

* * *

It was cold and rainy in London when he returned. Sirius had not joined him for his transformation and he sensed that something was wrong. He was still feeling weak from the full moon that had just past, but he walked quickly towards headquarters. Even in the sea of umbrellas he could tell that there were more magical people than usual on the streets. They nodded to him and smiled, expressing happy sentiments that he didn't completely understand. He turned down the alley, making sure he wasn't followed. He tapped the boarded up window at the end of the alley with his wand and it turned quickly into a door, which he opened with a quiet incantaion. He used the non-verbal spell to light his wand and then headed through the dark building towards the stairs. He saw a light coming from the cellar. "It's Lupin," he called down, using only his surname, which was how most Order members called him.

Moody was at the bottom of the steps to greet him. His face was a mixture of elation, suspicion, and grief. Remus' confusion grew. "What happened?" he asked, fearfully. "Did something happen?"

"Where have you been, Lupin?" Moody demanded angrily.

Remus pointed weakly up towards the sky. It was a silly gesture, but he felt himself growing weaker. Something was very wrong. "I was…the moon was full and I, you know," he stuttered.

"Of course," Moody said with relief, waving his hand to wipe away his mistake, "Sorry about that. With everything that's happened we've been trying to take stock of who is still with us and you were unaccounted for. I just wanted to make sure that you hadn't…. well, we've had some shocks and didn't know…."

Never had Remus seen Mad Eye Moody so flustered. "Mad Eye, what happened?" he asked again.

"You better sit down," Moody took Remus' arm and guided him to the nearest chair. He sat down next to Remus and told him what had happened. Voldemort had been defeated, but James was dead, Lily was dead, Peter was dead, Harry was safe but in hiding, and Sirius was in Azkaban. As Moody unfolded the tragedy, Remus felt a hole in his heart grow, painfully splitting the muscle and vessels within. The cellar grew colder and blackness circled in, narrowing his vision until all he could see was Moody's magical eye. "Lupin! Lupin!" Moody called to him and Remus dropped to his knees on the floor.

* * *

In some part of his mind Remus knew that he was not kneeling on the floor of an old cellar, but just outside the gates of Hogwarts. He needed to get up. He had to avoid the questions that would be asked if he was found this way. The good memory he needed now was so close, like a flag fluttering just above his head, waiting for him to grasp it and bring it back into his heart. He reached out his mind, touched the soft edge, and pulled.

And it was Sirius. It was always Sirius. Remus saw him as the boy who gave comfort when he had nightmares. He saw Sirius' eyes when he apologized for the prank on Snape and the hope that grew bright within when Remis forgave him. He saw the brave teenager who had left his family because he could no longer be with the ones who condoned Remus' attacker. He saw the young man who held him in the Shreiking Shack, his tenderness filling Remus until they were both complete. And he felt the man who kissed him with the strength of a passion that knew no restraint.

"Expecto Patronum," Remus said, pointing his wand at the Dementor. The silvery form of a large, shaggy dog emerged and charged at the Dementor.

Because it was the Easter holiday week, there were few students at Hogwarts and none of them were out on the grounds due to the cold temperature. Remus sped across the grounds towards the castle. He took the steps two at a time. The corridors and staircases were deserted as he made his way up to his office. With his wand he opened the door before reaching it so that he could enter quickly and without the risk of being noticed by colleagues or the students who remained at school to study for NEWTS and OWLS. He locked the door behind him and made his way across the room to his desk. The drawer opened with a bang and Remus took out the Marauders map which he had hidden in there. He held the parchment in his left hand as his right hand swept across the desk to clear it, sending papers, books, bottles of ink and quills crashing onto the floor. He lay the map down on the desk, muttered the incantation, and scanned it for Sirius. He was not there.

"Why?" Remus said out loud. "Why, Sirius, why?" What did it all mean? What had Sirius intended when he approached Remus in the market? Through his touch, was he trying to convince Remus not to turn him in, reminding him of what it was that they had shared? Or had Sirius too been so overwhelmed by seeing a presence from his past that he was driven to act without thinking? Remus put his elbows on his desk and covered his face in his hands. He was in this so deep, that there was no more choices other than confessing all to Dumbledore. But could he do that?

Remus threw the map aside and gathered a bottle of ink and a quill off the floor with his wand. "Accio parchment," he said and grabbed the blank piece of parchment that sailed towards him. There had to be a clue, something that happened in the past that he needed to remember, something within the sequence of events that led to James, Lily, and Peter's deaths that everyone was missing. Writing it down might bring some new information to light.

"James and Lily thought that someone was betraying them," Moody had told Remus that day. "Voldemort's people knew too much for what was happening to be just a lucky guess. But you know James," Moody began to chuckle at the memory, but then stopped realizing the gravity of his words. "I mean, you knew him. He didn't want to believe that it was anyone close to him."

"Who else knew? With whom did James share these suspicions?" Remus had asked, wiping his face with his handkerchief.

"Dumbledore and myself and, of course, Sirius; he trusted Sirius in everything. In James and Lily's minds, Sirius was above suspicion. It was Dumbledore's idea for them to go into hiding with Harry. James asked Sirius to be the Secret Keeper and Sirius agreed right away. Now it appears that this was just what Black was waiting for," Moody shook his head at how they had all been duped.

"But, of course Sirius would have agreed to be the Secret Keeper," Remus replied. "They were best friends. He's Harry's godfather. He would have done anything for that little boy!"

"Apparently he felt there was no harm in turning Harry over to Voldemort. I know it's hard to grasp, Lupin. I know they were you're friends, too. But there is no other explanation." Moody put his hand on Remus' shoulder to soothe him as if he were a young child. Remus was quiet then. He didn't want Moody to think he was unwilling to understand what everyone else thought was so simple.

Remus looked at the parchment in front of him. Moody's account was pretty much the same as every other account he had heard since. For a brief time, Remus tried to convince people of Sirius' innocence, but everyone, including Dumbledore kept pointing out to him that he had no proof other than his gut feeling that Sirius could not have done that.

It had begun to rain and the sound of the drops splattering against the window helped him think. Remus wondered if perhaps the Fidelus charm had never been cast. Flitwick had told him that only the Secret Keeper could reveal where the Potters were hiding and if for some reason James and Lily had waited to cast the charm, then perhaps the spy had turned their location over to Voldemort before that had happened. But, according to the memory that Harry had shared with Remus, it seemed as if James and Lily were caught off guard by the arrival of the Dark Lord, which suggested that the charm had indeed been cast.

Remus walked over to the window. It was raining harder now and the landscape beyond blurred so that all he could see was green and grey. He ran over in his mind what Hagrid had told him about meeting Sirius when he arrived at the house to take Harry. He thought about what Draco Malfoy had told him about Lucius Malfoy's claim that the actual spy had died while Sirius had gone to prison. Who could that have been? Who would James have trusted more than Sirius and who was missing?

Remus ran his fingers along the cold panes of glass and watched as their warmth drew foggy streaks across the window. His mind went back once again his conversation with Moody. He remembered at the time that he had been selfishly worried if Sirius' betrayal had included telling everyone about the secret closeness that existed between them and his relief when it appeared that Moody did not know.

"Pettigrew, though," Moody had continued in an effort to cheer the distraught Remus. "You were friends with him too, right?" Remus nodded, looking at the floor. "Well, you can be proud of him at least. People can surprise us in good ways, too. Right after he heard what had happened he chased Black until he found him and confronted him. Who knew Pettigrew was willing to his life to see justice done? Poor man must have been so broken up over what happened to Lily and James that he didn't realize the danger in his actions."

"It's hard to believe," Remus agreed. In the shock of trying to understand Sirius' deception, he hadn't really absorbed the tragedy of Peter's death. Peter was not a brave person and had previously expressed his fears to Remus. As he and Moody sat together in the dank cellar Remus clearly recalled Peter's face and the conversation they had had right after Regulus Black's death.

"_Are you ever afraid, Moony?" Peter had asked him. "Are you afraid of dying?"_

_Remus had shrugged and smiled in an effort to relax Peter. "I already died, Wormtail. When I was bitten, my life as I knew it ended. But, I'm still here. No, I'm not afraid. I think about it sometime, but knowing that we're working for a cause that we believe in makes the fear go away."_

"_But what's the point of working for something that you might not live to see?" Peter's voice was high and anxiety ridden. "I'm almost a pure blood. I don't have that much to fear if he were to win."_

"_Wormtail, while it is good to work to bring justice to one's self, it is far nobler to work to bring justice to others. I don't want to live in a world where some have more than others because of their birthright. We can't control the things that affect us, like the family we're born into, whether we're a wizard or a Squib, or if we have to spend the rest of our life as a werewolf. But we do have a choice in how we react to those situations and not sitting back and letting our afflictions control us is the best we can do," Remus had been proud of the decisions he had made, but he was afraid that he had done a poor job in convincing Peter that his sacrifices would be worthwhile._

"I sometimes worried about him," Remus told Moody. "I wondered how long he would last in the Order. We were roommates for seven years and it's sad that I never realized how brave he could be. James would have been proud."

James was always trying to get Peter to be more self-confident, Remus remembered. During the Easter holiday of their sixth year, Mr. and Mrs. Potter had taken the four boys to Gibraltar for the week. James, Sirius, and Remus had all recently come of age and the trip was a surprise to celebrate the occasion. As they lay on the deck of their hotel, drinking pitchers of sangria and warming themselves in the Iberian sun, Sirius and James gave Peter advice on his love life.

"Just ask her," James told Peter about a girl Peter had said he liked.

Sirius included his expertise, "Girls admire bravery."

"The worst that can happen is she says no, and then you can either ask her again later or move on to someone else," James added.

"Like you know about moving on," Sirius joked with James. James punched him playfully.

Anxious to change the course of the conversation away from himself, Peter said excitedly, "Prongs, I know of someone who fancies you."

"Who?" James asked hopefully, sitting up in his lounge chair. He was quite taken with Lily then and had been trying to get her to notice that he wasn't all bad.

"Elsie Johnson," Peter said proudly, happy to pass on gossip to the group. Elsie was a pretty Gryffindor girl with coffee colored skin and complex braids that she magically arranged so that they were different everyday. Her brother had been Quidditch Captain a few years previous and she frequently went to their matches.

"Oh," said James, disappointed.

"Really, Prongs, you should at least consider it. She's a nice girl and she really understands Quidditch," Sirius scolded.

"And she doesn't think that you're a complete toe-rag," Remus added, joking.

"What make you both Elsie's biggest fans? You haven't shagged her have you, Padfoot?" James teased Sirius.

"No, but I might if you don't make your move. Honestly, is Lily Evens worth this celibacy?"

"Yes, she is," James said firmly. "We love who we love, Padfoot. When you lot fall in love you'll realize you have no choice."

Seventeen years later, on a day that was as bleak and cold as Gibraltar was sunny and warm, Remus realized that James had been right. He, too loved who he loved, beyond choice, beyond reason.

Remus walked away from the window. There had been one person's memory of that he had not explored completely and that was his own. It was time to remember.

_Thank you readers and reviewers!_


	21. Chapter 21 Slash

_A/N: The name says it all._

_This is mainly an emotional chapter, exploring Remus' feelings, so if you don't like reading about sex you can skip it and wait for the next chapter where the action will pick up._

**21. Slash**

In the small, silent sitting room of his childhood home, they kissed for the first time. It an accident, Remus told himself. Both of them were caught up in the sorrow and confusion of having so recently lost their families that they turned to this most basic human comfort without thinking. Sirius' kisses were tender and light. His lips were soft and it surprised Remus when he missed them slightly, kissing instead the rough stubble of Sirius' upper lip. The sudden change in texture jolted Remus back to reality. "I'm kissing Sirius Black!" his inner voice screamed and he pulled away, head down, keeping his eyes closed. He did not want to look into the dark stormy sea of Sirius' eyes and know how wrong he had been to have become wrapped up in the sweetness of physical intimacy.

He awoke early the next morning, expecting Sirius would no longer want to stay with him, but Sirius seemed fine, as if nothing had happened. There was no mention of what had passed between them the previous night. Was it all a dream, Remus wondered? He bit his lip and felt once again where it had scraped against the stubble of beard and knew that it hadn't been.

The day progressed and Sirius accompanied him as he made his rounds visiting creditors and solicitors. When the sun began to set they returned to the house, ate a quiet meal, and played wizard chess until Sirius, very close to losing the game, got up to take a shower. Alone again, Remus realized he was sitting on the same sofa where they had kissed the night before. For a moment he let himself relive the soft, moist feel of Sirius' lips, but then fear gripped him. Sirius hadn't brought it up, but what was stopping him from telling James or Peter or all of Hogwarts? Remus felt his face sting in shame. "I have a girlfriend," he said out loud to no one, as if that fact erased the other.

He stood and began to walk up the stair to his bedroom. It was late and he was exhausted, but he had to decide what to do about Sirius and the kiss haunted him. Could he really expect Sirius to forget about it? Was Sirius as ashamed as he was, or would he hold that action against Remus. He unbuttoned his shirt, readying himself for sleep, as he debated what to do. The water in the bathroom shut off. Soon he would need to face Sirius. He knew what he had to do.

He stood against the wall on the opposite side of the room from where Sirius entered, clad only in a towel wrapped thightly around his waist. The sight of his body was breathtaking, but Remus forced himself to concentrate. "Sirius, I'm sorry about last night," he began. "I didn't mean to...I hope you don't think that I've been fancying you all these years."

Sirius moved closer. His mouth drew up in a smirch. "I don't think that, Moony," he replied.

Remus nodded. "I'd appreciate if you just forgot what happened. I don't want you telling anyone about it. I was just sad and confused. And tired, too, after the funeral." His excuses seemed very reasonable, he thought.

"So what's my excuse?" Sirius asked.

"What do you mean?" Remus looked at Sirius who continued to smirk. His eyes were grey and tender, like the sky during a spring rain. Sirius moved closer still.

"Why did I kiss you?" Sirius asked. A hand reached up and caressed Remus' cheek. Remus didn't pull away, but continued to look into Sirius' eyes. "I don't know," he whispered.

A year earlier, when Sirius had left his family, Remus had looked into his eyes like this and felt he was standing before a doorway, afraid to enter. Now he felt as if he were on that same threshold, trembling equally with fear and a desire he could not deny. Sirius kissed him deeply and Remus crossed into the unknown.

The kiss was soft and strong with passion. Sirius' taste was intoxicating and his smell was steamy from the shower, but undeniably masculine. Remus felt Sirius' hands move over his shoulders, pushing his unbuttoned shirt to the floor and it surprised him that he didn't want Sirius to stop. "This isn't sex," Remus told himself to justify the desire that welled up inside him. Sirius' hands continued to move over his body, taking off his clothes and reaching for those places that were forbidden. "This is just touching," he insisted as his fingers ran cautiously through Sirius' hair, slowly down his back, and then undid the towel that had been wrapped around his waist. Sirius pulled him on to the bed, which creaked with their sudden weight and the spasms of mutual passion.

They awoke during the night and began kissing again. "Mirror what I do," Sirius whispered, slowly moving his fingers along Remus as he showed him the type of lover he wanted Remus to be. Sirius' skin was warm from sleep and smooth with youth. The sculpted muscles underneath were firm to his touch. His bones were sharp and angular. Remus suddenly broke away from Sirius' hands and moved so that Sirius was underneath him. He kissed Sirius' mouth, his throat, his collarbone, and listened as Sirius took in quick, sharp breaths with each new sensation of pleasure.

"This is not sex," Remus told himself as he surrendered to the sensual intimacy. For the first time he felt that he really knew Sirius; that every word Sirius had ever spoken to him, every look, every touch that had passed between them, had been destined to lead them both to this point. And for the first time, Remus felt that he was truly himself. He felt free to touch, to taste, to give in to desires he never knew he had. He didn't need to hide who he was or what he was from another person. He had totally exposed himself to Sirius and Sirius lay beneath him, languishing in the erotic moment.

When Sirius moved to take control, he was rougher than Remus had been, rolling on top of Remus, but Remus didn't mind. He was rewarded with Sirius' soft kisses, first on his lips and then Sirius moved down to kiss his chest, his stomach, his abdomen, remaining there while Remus struggled to hold back the wolf as it twitched and writhed inside him. As if reading Remus' mind, Sirius moved down further. Remus was hardly a virgin, but in the fumbling, furtive, quick, predictable encounters of his past, he had never experienced this. Sirius' tongue was wet and it rolled in sensual circles, teasing, tantalizing and pushing Remus further towards the brink. "This is not sex," Remus managed to tell himself as he fought against the wolf, whose pull was becoming too great for Remus to control.

And then it was sex. The wolf lunged and Remus pushed Sirius from him and onto his side. He acted on impulse, rather than pre-meditated thought, like an animal capturing its prey. He pressed himself hard against Sirius' back and then it happened. Sirius' warmth surrounded him and Remus felt himself melting back into consciousness. While his body longed to continue to take Sirius without questioning his action, but he knew he had done the unthinkable. Sirius seemed as surprised by this turn of events as he was, but he did not push Remus away. "If this isn't...," he began in a hesitant whisper.

"It is," Sirius interupted and Remus felt Sirius' body relax, coaxing him in further. "Keep going."

Of course it was different than anything Remus had ever experienced. It felt more illicit, but also more sensual, tender, and Remus felt himself spiritually connect with Sirius in a way he had never felt with another person. For the first time Remus knew why the act of sex was called 'making love.' They had joined in a way that was more than just physical. Sirius moved in rhythm with him and finally their passion peaked together.

The next morning he worried about repercussions. He worried that Sirius would regret what they had done and blame him for his over-zealous actions, but that didn't happen. It was an accident, they agreed, and they would never to speak a word of it to another.

"Take me," Remus told him as they went about sealing their pact of secrecy before returning to Hogwarts. "Have me like you've had your other lovers."

Remus expected it to end right then; that the desire he felt for Sirius in that moment of weakness would pass, but instead it grew stronger. In the months that followed he could not even look at Sirius for fear that those grey eyes would strip off the strength of his resolve, exposing his passion like the full moon exposed the monster within.

On the night before they left Hogwarts for good, he lay with Sirius by the Black Lake. The sky was moonless and dark, making Sirius almost invisable to him. Remus wanted to ask Sirius what it meant. He wanted to know if Sirius felt something for him, or if this was just a daring shag for him - yet another act that branded Sirius as reckless and different, but he could never find the words to form the question. Maybe he didn't want to know. Where one answer could break his heart, the other answer might take him down a path Remus wasn't sure he was ready to commit to. So instead his closed his eyes and let his body meld with Sirius', opening his soul to his lover, hoping he would chose, once again, to come in.

When they left school he tried to keep his desire for Sirius in the past, but it continued. Something made Remus reach for Sirius in those moments when he felt alone, when he needed the emotional connection that he had never been able to find with another person. Denial was always part of it. He would arrive at Sirius' flat on some pretense or Sirius would follow him home without discussing what he wanted, although they both knew. "This is the last time," they would say when they gave into the need that had built up within each of them and could only be fulfilled in the arms of the other.

His final meeting with Sirius had been one of those times. Sirius was leaving his bed when he said to Remus, "James knows."

At first Remus could not believe that Sirius had broken the promise they had made long ago and shared the secret that existed between them with James. But as Sirius explained it, the time had come for honesty. The stress of worrying about Harry was taking its toll on everyone. James had always been such an active participant in the Order and not being able to go after the one who threatened his son was torturous.

"We were talking about the Secret Keeper business and he said something about you and I being especially close. Just the way he said it and the way he sort of blushed, I could tell that he knew. He's been my best friend since our first year at school and I can read him pretty well, so it was easy for me to guess what he was thinking. Remus, I needed to be honest with him, especially now with everything that's happening. So I looked him in the eye and said 'You mean, because he shares my bed?'"

"What did James say?" Remus asked. His hands were shaking over what Sirius had just told him. He knew James was a tolerant individual who accepted his friends for what they were, but Remus wondered if this was different.

"He said 'I'm happy for you. I really am. You deserve someone to love. Both of you do.' I could tell he was sincere. He had had his suspicions and he was relieved that he didn't need to hide them from me any longer. These days he's more concerned about Harry and the state of the world than who I'm shagging." Sirius shook his head at the enormity of the situation and continued, "I guess when your child or godchild is threatened, you have a different perspective of what is really important."

Remus found it hard to be relieved, despite James' calm acceptance. He also felt the danger that was in the air around them and, although he realized that Sirius had done what he thought was best in telling James, he wished Sirius had the opportunity to consult him first. They had never discussed what they would do if others knew. "I guess that'll make things easier," he said finally, trying to put a good face on the situation. "At least I won't always have to watch what I say when I'm around them." He pushed back the bedclothes in an attempt to leave the bed, but Sirius stopped him.

"Or will it make things harder?" Sirius said. He looked at Remus and in his eyes Remus could see how much had changed over the years. He was no longer the reckless youth of their past. Sirius and James had both been so caught up with the danger surrounding Harry that Sirius had been growing more suspicious of late and there was fear and weariness in his eyes. "We've never had to face the reality of what we're doing or how it appears to the rest of the world. We treat our need for each other like it's something out of our control. We go from one secret interlude to the next and pretending what ultimately happens is unexpected. Once people know, we are essentially admitting that this is what we want to be doing and we're with the one we want to be with. I'm not sure we're ready to do that."

Neither said anything more on the subject that night. Remus did not know where to start when it came to discussing what had between them for so long. He and Sirius made plans for the upcoming full moon and agreed to meet by the ocean a few nights later. When Sirius didn't come Remus knew something was wrong, but he never expected the staggering news of James, Lily, and Peter's deaths and Sirius' betrayal of them all.

In those intervening years, Remus wondered if Sirius had been honest with James because he knew James would not live much longer. But now he realized that Sirius shared his most closely held secret with James in the end because he had wanted to trust James in the way that James had always trusted him. In telling James, Remus realized, Sirius had faced up to his feelings for Remus and their future.

While he still didn't know why Sirius had been at Hogwarts or if he would ever see him again, Remus was sure of one thing. "He didn't betray James," Remus said out loud in his empty office. "And he won't hurt Harry."

A long time ago, as Remus waited by the ocean for Sirius to arrive and join him for his transformation, he had decided that he was ready. He was ready to admit to Sirius how he felt. Over all those many years of denying the connection between them, Remus had fallen in love. It was not the life he had imagined for himself, being in love with a man, but neither had he imagined spending his life as a werewolf. As he had once told Peter, sometimes a person doesn't have a choice in what happens to him, but he can always choose how he reacts to what happens. Although Sirius never arrived at their meeting place by the ocean to hear it, Remus had made his choice.

And as he stood alone in his office with the sound of the rain hitting the windows, he made that same choice again: to love and to trust Sirius.

_To readers and reviewers: Thanks for the great comments. To those who are looking for more action, things should wrap up in one or two more chapters. I LOVE your reviews!_


	22. Chapter 22 Find

_A/N: You all remember what happens in the book…_

**22. Find**

It seemed to Remus that the weather warmed instantaneously along with everyone's spirits. Once the rain passed and he allowed himself to remember all that had happened in the past, Remus felt free of the memories which had imprisoned him for so long. Hogwarts was lovely in the springtime and spent his free time roaming the grounds secretly looking for Sirius, but not expecting to find him. He was beginning to wonder if Sirius had heeded the warning Remus had given him in the market and left Hogwarts forever.

The only ones who did not seem enlivened by the arrival of the good weather were the fifth year students facing their OWLS and Hagrid. The Hippogriff that had allegedly bitten Draco Malfoy was on trial and, due to the influence of Lucius Malfoy, it was unlikely the verdict would be good. Remus did his best to comfort Hagrid when he came across the groundskeeper on his frequent walks, but his words provided very little encouragement.

Snape, however, seemed in unusually good spirits when he brought Remus his potion before the full moon in May. After Remus thanked him and Snape turned towards the door, Remus saw him hesitate. "Severus?" he asked, "Is there something…"

"Lupin," Snape cut across, turning to face him. "I've been thinking about what you said. About all of the things you said, actually, and I would like to put the past away. It is time." Remus nodded. "And I would like very much to collaborate with you on some joint lessons for the NEWT students next year. I think it would be beneficial for all, if that is still acceptable to you."

"It is, Severus," Remus said with gratitude in his voice, "and thank you." He smiled as he watched Snape's retreating figure. Whereas Remus had spent too much time trying to forget the past, Snape had spent too much time remembering it. And while Remus knew that this new peace with Snape might be short lived depending on what lay ahead in Sirius' future, he savored the moment.

May passed without event. Bertha sent word by owl that she was returning to the Ministry in London to do some public relations work with the Muggle Prime Minister, who was getting nervous that after almost a year Sirius Black had not been caught. In her letter she invited Remus to come over for a good-bye shag, but he sent a reply explaining that he would not be able to get away from Hogwarts due to his faculty duties. Although in truth he was busy, Remus also felt it would not be right to sleep with Bertha when he was in love with another. Her departure provided him with an easy way to avoid an awkward break up.

The full moon came again in June and Remus felt fortunate that he had been able to give all of his exams before he succumbed to the sleep from the potion. He was prepared to spend several sleepless nights once the moon waned grading the written exams. For several of his classes, including his third years, he was able to give a practical exam, thus avoiding the need for reading and grading. He skipped dinner that evening in order to get as much work done as possible and managed to get through several more pages of grades.

Just before he was ready to leave his office that evening to meet Snape and take the last goblet of Wolfsbane potion, Remus checked the Marauder's Map one last time. It had become a habit with him to check it every evening. Every night people were in their usual places. Students were studying in the library or the common room and faculty were either in their offices or in their living quarters. Occasionally Remus would see the dots of two students very close together in secluded closets or empty classrooms and he would smile at the memory of clandestine teenage love. Nothing had changed that much over the years from when he, James, Sirius, and Peter would view the map, looking for one another or spying on Slytherins.

While on most evenings he would shut the map with the satisfaction that everything was in order, this evening he saw something he did not like. The dots on the map representing Harry, Ron, and Hermione were leaving the castle, moving very slowly and closely together. "The Invisibility Cloak," Remus said to himself, shaking his head. "So Harry DOES have it."

He continued to watch as the three students made their way off the map in the direction of Hagrid's hut. Remus had heard that Hagrid has lost his appeal and the Hippogriff was to be executed that night. He surmised that Harry and his friends were headed that way to be with Hagrid in his time of need. Harry, of course, was not supposed to leave the castle, but just like his father had done for Remus years ago when he had become an Animagus, Harry chose to break the rules to comfort his friend. At first Remus thought that he should follow the students and make sure they were safe, but in his position as a teacher, he would have to enforce the rules and he didn't want to punish Harry. Instead, he decided to keep watching the map to ensure that the three made it back safely.

As he waited, watching for the three dots to return onto the map, Remus thought again about James. What would James think if he knew how much like him Harry had become? And if Sirius ever got to see his godson, would he also be struck by the same feeling of déjà vu that Remus had felt seeing Harry on the Hogwarts Express? Remus also contemplated how he would eventually tell Harry about his belief that Sirius was not a murderer as everyone suspected.

Suddenly the dots came slowly back onto the page. Remus thought his eyes were failing him as he saw four dots instead of three. Then the names began to appear. "Harry Potter" was written first, then "Hermione Granger" in long cursive strokes took shape on the page. As "Ronald Weasley" began to fill in Remus wondered who else could fit under the cloak or if perhaps the students were no longer under the cloak after all and had caught been caught by Dumbledore or Cornelius Fudge, who was at the school for the execution. He watched more closely as the letter P appeared and then…

"What the hell?" Remus said out loud as he stood up from his desk and watched the name "Peter Pettigrew" move with Harry, Hermione, and Ron. "How can that be possible?"

He stared at the map in shocked puzzlement when suddenly there it was: the name "Sirius Black" moved with great speed from the edge of the map towards the group of four. Remus gasped as he watched his lover's name move with Ron and Peter away from Harry and Hermione. "What?" Remus began only to find that he had become speechless. "Where…" he wondered for a second where Sirius was headed, but there was only one place on the map in that direction and without hesitation, Remus ran from his office.

The moon had not yet risen and the grounds were dark as Remus ran towards the Shrieking Shack. He was aware that his joints were fatigued and his breathing shallow, but the need to see Sirius was greater than his discomfort. When he got to the Womping Willow, he stopped it from moving in the way he had done a hundred times before and then he made his way into the dark, narrow passages. As in the past, his mind felt fogged, but this time it was as much from the unanswered questions moving through his mind as it was from the approaching full moon. "What is Peter doing at Hogwarts? How is it that he is alive?" he asked himself.

But as he moved as quickly as the tunnel allowed him, he began to see a clarity that had escaped him since the day he had learned of James and Lily's deaths. Every conversation he had ever had with Peter and about Peter echoed in his head and connected one to the other as if forming a long, verbal puzzle. He remembered how Sirius would lose patience with Peter, how Peter's face would flash with resentment at Sirius, and then how Peter would pretend it was all a joke. Had it really been a joke or was it a deception that had become second nature to him? He remembered how Peter's fear had grown after Regulus Black's death and Peter's wavering commitment to the Order. He remembered Peter's fear of slimy creatures, of becoming an Animagus, of standing up for himself, and of death. Remus saw now how none of that added up to the supposedly brave man who had risked his life and confronted the infamous Sirius Black.

Remus reached the trap door and pulled himself through it with strength he didn't know he had. Even after so much time and in the complete darkness that surrounded him, Remus could make out the inside of the shack. It had not changed and was as dusty and gloomy as it had been in his youth. "Where are they?" he asked himself. But then he heard someone shouting and he ran towards the sound of voices, pushing open the closed door. There in the center of the room Harry stood looking determined, his wand pointed down at the man on the floor below him. Sirius' hair was long and wild and his face was thin and sunken, but to Remus he was as beautiful a sight as he had ever been.

"Expelliarmus!" Remus shouted and the wands of Harry, Hermione, and Ron flew into his outstretched hand.

Sirius stared back at him. His face was expressionless, but in his eyes Remus could still see everything that he had always seen there. He saw the kindness, the need, and the hurt of the man he loved.

"Where is he, Sirius?" He asked, his voice shaking with the emotion he fought to surpress.

As if suddenly speechless, Sirius pointed towards the bed. Remus looked over and understood that Peter must be in his Animagus form.

"But then..." Remus' eyes turned back to Sirius' face and he looked at him intently, trying to memorize his face, his eyes, and to understand his unsaid words, "why has he not shown himself before now?" he asked Sirius. Their eyes locked. "Unless he was the one…"

Remus suddenly saw the long puzzle that had formed in his mind change into a picture – a dark picture of deception and pain, with only one piece missing. "Unless you switched without telling me…" With his eyes unable to leave Remus' face and his voice unable to make a sound, Sirius nodded.

Then the mistakes of a dozen years drifted away. The time that had been wasted disappeared. Remus walked over to where Sirius lay on the floor. He put out his hand to Sirius who took it and the feeling of their skin touching once again sent a pulse of the past through both of them. With a quick tug, Remus pulled Sirius up off the floor and into his arms.

A half a lifetime ago they were boys of seventeen, standing on that very same spot, trying to make sense of what had happened during those three days alone at Remus' parent's house. "There is always going to be this between us, Remus," Sirius had told him then, "but we have to fight it. That's the only chance we have for getting back to the way things were. I can't stand thinking about it all the time and wondering if you are thinking the same or hating me for what we did."

"I don't hate you," Remus had responded. "I don't even want to… I just want to be back in that moment when I didn't feel alone, when I felt complete." And then what they had vowed to never do again began as beautifully as it had the first time. Sirius had leaned forward and kissed him. The kiss was breathtaking, but also easy, as if they had been kissing forever. Sirius hands rested on Remus's cheeks, gently moving his thumbs along Remus' cheekbones as Remus felt himself melt into Sirius' touch. They took of robes, jumpers, shirts, trousers and moved onto the bed, both wanting and needing the same end.

Remus had been used to thinking of himself as flawed. He knew that the bite in his childhood had changed him forever and he had always feared that others could see it when they looked at him closely. But on that night he had watched Sirius gaze at his body, his eyes running along Remus' chest and stomach and then following the trail of soft, brown hair down his abdomen to the place where he was ripe with desire. In Sirius' eyes, Remus had seen that Sirius regarded his body not as something ruined or, at best, functional, but as a vessel of beauty and power and passion. That night Remus had felt chosen. He had not become Sirius' lover because of convenience or because of that accidental first kiss, but because they had both chosen to act on their intimate feelings. That night in the Shrieking Shack Remus had experienced for the first time what it was like to be made love to; to lay back, let another see him, explore him, and stroke him until the wolf calmed within, petted and purring like a contented cat. Without the guidance of the wolf or the distraction of trying to control it, that night it had been just the two of them, taking their time, making love as if they had nothing to loose.

And now, years later, the two men embraced in that same room. Remus could feel Sirius' heart beating quickly against his. Somewhere lost between the past and present, Remus believed that they were the only ones there. He longed to kiss Sirius once again and to tell what he had meant to say so many years ago. He was just about to move to do it when Hermione shouted, "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" and Remus suddenly remembered Peter and the others were in the shack with them.

_Thank you readers and reviewers for all of your wonderful comments. I love hearing from the regular reviewers and from new ones as well. One more chapter to go!_


	23. Chapter 23 Love

_A/N: I don't own these characters, but I've had a lot of fun with them! I hope you have too._

**23. Love**

Remus awoke in the weak light of dawn, scratched, naked, and lying in a patch of brambles. It had been a long time since he had woken up unaware of where he was or what he had done the night before. As he slowly stood up, his head began to clear and he remembered the events from the night before. The last thing he remembered was leaving the Shrieking Shack after telling Harry the story of how James and Sirius had been his best friends in school. He remembered that Harry had believed them and Peter had been captured.

He remembered Snape bursting into the room with them and how he eyed Remus, as if his recent trust had been betrayed. Remus wondered what happened to them all after he transformed and if Harry and his friends had been able to convince everyone of Sirius' innocence.

Under the cover of the morning's half-light, Remus walked towards the Shrieking Shack. When he got there he was happy to find his clothes had been mended and placed in a pile at the foot of the Whomping Willow. He took them and went into the Shack to dress before heading back to Hogwarts to learn what had befallen in his absence.

When he got there Minerva McGonagall was waiting for him at the castle entrance. "I'm sorry, Professor Lupin," she said to him, looking regretful. "I'm afraid I have bad news." Together they went into her office and she explained to him what Snape had done. While Remus knew it meant that he would need to resign from the position he loved, he understood why Snape had done it. Snape believed that Remus had deceived him, causing Snape to drop his guard and welcome Remus' friendship. Thirteen years ago Remus had felt the same way when he had dropped his guard and was prepared to tell Sirius he loved him. That feeling of betrayal by someone you have just begun to trust cuts very deep.

The important thing, Remus realized as he went up to his rooms, was that Sirius was safe. He had escaped the Dementor's kiss and was far away from Hogwarts. Perhaps someday it would be safe for him to return to Remus and Remus would be able to tell him what he needed to hear. Remus hoped that day would be sooner rather than later.

Because he had so few possessions, packing was as easy as a quick wave us his wand. He sent the trunk downstairs to wait for him by the front door. Remus then walked to his office. The Marauders' Map was still open on his desk and he watched the dots as students met one another, most likely, he realized, to gossip about him. He left the map open while he packed his belongings, the Grindylow cage, and set his grades aside for Professor McGonagall to collect. Soon he saw Harry's name heading towards his office.

"I saw you coming," he said to Harry when he arrived, pointing at the map. Someday he would tell Harry everything, how much James had meant to him and the special, unique bonds that Sirius had shared with both of them. But that could wait until Harry was older. Harry had learned so much in the last day and Remus did not expect to leave Harry's life now that he had so recently become a part of it again.

On his way out of the building he ran into Snape, who looked at Remus with an expression that was part shame and part distain.

"Does it feel good, Severus?" Remus asked without sarcasm. He put down is trunk and the cage. "Does it make you feel good to scratch at my weakness until it is raw and bleeding for everyone to see? Do you realize that this is what James and Sirius did to you all those years ago when we were young, cruel, and foolish? And now you have done it to me, taking the job that I truly enjoyed from me as a punishment for a presumed betrayal. I didn't betray our friendship, Severus. I could have been your friend and ensured that the injustice done to Sirius was corrected at the same time. I hope that you can someday see that those two aims are not mutually exclusive."

Gradually Remus saw understanding dawn on Snape's face. After scanning the corridor to make sure they were alone, Snape said, "It does not feel good." He hung his head low and did not look at Remus. "I was angry about so many things and I lashed out at you because I thought you had tricked me. I…" for a moment it seemed he wanted to go on and apologize for what he had done, but he did not continue.

Remus sighed. "We all do things we aren't proud of, me especially. The best we can do is to try not to make those mistakes again." Remus held out his hand to Snape. "It was an honor to work with someone so talented. Thank you for making the Wolfsbane potion for me during all of those full moons."

Surprised, Snape took Remus' outstretched hand and shook it. "Good bye, Lupin. I wish you…" once again Snape was at a loss for what to say as if pleasantries had long since left his vocabulary. Remus nodded and headed for the door.

"Alohomora," Remus muttered when he approached the door of his flat. He had kept it just in case things had not worked out at Hogwarts and for once his pessimism served him well. He waved his wand and the kitchen was immediately illuminated. For a second Remus wanted to send the room back into darkness. After his lavish living quarters at Hogwarts, his kitchen was smaller and shabbier than he remembered. The dust that covered everything was almost an improvement. "My old life," Remus said to himself.

But it wasn't his old life, Remus realized as he set down his trunk. Whereas his old life had been full of pain and uncertainty, he was going forward having resolved the ills of his past. He had been a good teacher and a good lover and a good friend, and those were things that he would never lose. He could now believe he was the person that James and Sirius and Dumbledore saw when they looked at him, rather than the potentially dangerous werewolf he always considered himself.

* * *

"Moony," James had called to him as he entered their room with Sirius. It was the spring of their seventh year and Remus was lying on his bed, preparing for his NEWTs.

"What are you planning to do after Hogwarts?" Sirius asked him as he and James dropped themselves next to Remus on the bed. The bed shook, causing Remus to lose his page.

Remus closed the book and looked at his two friends. "Um, well, no plans yet, but after exams I'm sure something…" Remus tried to sound positive, as if, like a normal Hogwarts graduate, he would have lots of options. He knew his options were limited because of what he was; however, he did not want to share his fears with his friends, thus eliciting their sympathies.

"Yeah, we don't have proper jobs lined up either," James shrugged. His tone was excited and Remus thought that he was about to propose that they all travel or go on the type of adventure that rich wizards did when they didn't need to earn an income. Like Sirius, James came from a wealthy, established family and seemed to take wealth for granted, although neither boy ever flaunted it in front of Remus or Peter, both of whom came from more modest backgrounds.

"But we've found something more…interesting. Something which could benefit from your unique ….skills," Sirius eyes twinkled as he said this. Remus was a little surprised by Sirius' obvious comfort in being so physically close to Remus. Because of the unplanned interludes that had taken place between them, they both made an effort to stay within a safe distance from each other, especially when they were around James.

Remus laughed, displaying his own comfort. For some reason James always brought out the best in everyone. "And what 'unique skills' are those?" he asked.

"Are there so many that you need to ask?" James joked, shoving Remus' shoulder. "But, seriously," James' voice became more earnest, "I have a proposal for you. Dumbledore has asked me to find a few interested individuals to join a group called The Order of the Phoenix. The purpose of this group would be to work against the wizard who calls himself Lord Voldemort. You've heard of him, right?" Remus nodded and James went on to explain what they planned to do.

"Look, Moony," Sirius said when James was finished. "I know things are different for you. I mean, your parents didn't leave you that much and you are probably worried about how you're going to support yourself because of your furry alter ego; however, when you think about it, that's the reason that you should join. To fight the prejudice that pure blood dominance will bring to you and to Muggle-borns. You'll be ensuring a better future for yourself and others with your affliction."

"And besides us, you're probably the bravest, cleverest person we know. Even if you are a little too preoccupied by rules," James smiled at Remus as he praised and teased him at the same time.

"There's nothing wrong with strength of commitment," Remus smiled back, "even if it is a prefect's commitment to rules."

"That's why we love you," Sirius said. He turned away, but not before Remus looked deep into his eyes.

* * *

As he stood in his dusty kitchen, Remus smiled at the memory. His friends had loved him for what he was and he had loved them for their belief in him.

Remus spent the rest of his day using cleaning spells and shopping for food and supplies. As he restocked his cabinets and put away his books, he was starting to feel at home once again. It was very late when he heard the sound of large paws climbing the stairs to his landing and the soft sound of rapping on his door. Remus opened the door, unsurprised to see him standing there.

"Moony," Sirius said as Remus ushered him quickly into the kitchen. He shut his eyes as if the sight of Remus was too much for him. Remus wondered if he was trying to block out tears. Remus moved closer to him, his breaths becoming deeper and heavier as he realized he had been waiting for this moment for thirteen years. He didn't know what to say.

"Moony," Sirius whispered again, opening his eyes. "Remus, I just need to know if…" but before he could finish Remus placed his hands on Sirius' shoulders, slipping his fingers under the grey robe to touch his warm skin. Sirius sighed as if melting into his touch.

"Always," Remus replied to his unasked question. "Always." He pulled Sirius towards him and kissed him. Sirius' lips parted and they kissed again with a thirteen year hunger. And then Sirius started to cry. Remus held him as he wept and wept with him when they both collapsed, still clinging together, kneeling on the floor.

"Grieve for them," Remus whispered into Sirius' hair. "It's time."

When Sirius' sobs abated, Remus kissed the wet streaks from his cheeks and moved slowly back towards his mouth. He tasted as Remus remembered: masculine, exotic, spicy, yet slightly bitter.

"I can't stay," Sirius whispered as Remus helped him out of his robe. "It's too dangerous for you."

"I know," Remus replied and Sirius pulled off his shirt, tearing the buttons in his urgency. "But I've waited too long not to show you how I feel."

"Show me now," Sirius said, as he lowered Remus onto the floor, kissing every space of exposed skin.

The bed was only steps away but neither wanted to let go of the other so they stayed there on the floor. There was no teasing, no games, just the soft tenderness of skin on skin.

"Let me make love to you," Remus whispered with a sexual confidence he hadn't possessed the last time they were together.

In a sound that was more like a breath than a word, Sirius whispered "Yes," and moved to grant access.

Remus moved his lips down from Sirius' neck to his chest, kissing each of the ribs that stood out from his emaciated body like rafters in an old house. He moved downward into the cavern of Sirius' stomach, licking his naval and moving his hands onto Sirius' hips. Remus took in the musky scent of the pleasures that were so close now, separated only by the fortress of the sharp, protruding bones of his pelvis and the loose prison trousers Sirius wore.

He wondered, after so much time and so many women, if it would now feel unnatural to share this intimacy with a man. He felt Sirius' stomach muscles tighten as if he too was wondering if they could recapture what they once had. Remus looked up towards Sirius. He saw trepidation in Sirius' grey eyes, but he also saw something else. He saw the depth of love that lay deep within Sirius' soul. He saw the Sirius he had fallen in love with and loved still. "All love is natural," Remus said quietly as he pulled the drawstring and removed the constraints of clothing and fear.

It was like a song from long ago, familiar yet new. Mouth and tongue, breath and voice all played together composing the beautiful sounds of love. The quick intakes and languid exhales, sang to Remus as they began their journey back. Sirius' body was warm and inviting and Remus took his time, letting it envelope him slowly until he couldn't wait any longer. His initiative was quickly rewarded as Sirius then began to say Remus' name in the sensual rhythm of his movements, increasing in urgency until the sound was swallowed by Sirius' breathless rapture. And when Remus also succumbed, he experienced once again the sensation of the S and R sounds that rolled luxuriously from his tongue as he called out for Sirius in that moment of ultimate passion.

Time passed too quickly and Sirius needed to leave under the cover of darkness to begin his journey away from England. Remus gave him all of the food he had just purchased and the gold he had on hand. "I can't take that," Sirius protested.

"Yes you can," Remus laughed, pressing the bag of gold into his lover's hand. "For once I am wealthier than you. Let me enjoy being generous!"

"It's probably not safe for you to owl me," Sirius said and Remus nodded sadly. As a werewolf and a known friend of Sirius, he expected to be the subject of some suspicion for awhile. It was even risky for Sirius to be in his flat, but the risk had been worth it. "But let me know if you hear anything about Harry that you think I should know."

"Of course," Remus agreed. They stood in the doorway looking at each other, trying to prolong the good bye.

Finally they embraced, sharing a last, long kiss. "I'm coming back this time," Sirius whispered into Remus' ear as they continued to hold one another, "you can be sure of that."

"I love you," Remus whispered. Sirius pulled back to look at Remus. For the first time his eyes did not look mysterious. Remus knew exactly what Sirius felt and he placed his two fingers on Sirius' lips, hushing him. "Don't say it. I don't want you to say it and leave. Say it when you return. That way you have something else to look forward to when you return besides looking after Harry." Sirius' eyes darkened as if foreseeing danger. "And if you're worried," Remus continued, "that something bad could happen before you tell me, then believe that I know. In truth, I have always known, but I just refused to acknowledge it. After everything that has happened, I am no longer afraid. I love you and I know you will come back to me."

_Thank you everyone who took the time to read and review this story. Special thanks to the faithful who reviewed every chapter: remuslives23, shinyobjects, LadyAnalyn, MissFreddy, SomeoneAKAme. Obrigado Ignea. Kiitos . Merci NouvelleVie. Thank you SeraphineBlack, Rekahneko, Jogger, Lainen, Malianani, JulzPadfootMoony, MinervaEvenstar, Blahblot, LittleBoyonherBike, DancinginDaydreams, Prfm, LucieorLux. Thank you to everyone who listed this story as their favorite and those who requested story alerts. Every way in which you have told me that you like this has kept me going and really thank you enough!_

_I also want to thank anyone who has read and reviewed "The Secret Keepers" since I ended that story. I'm so happy that it has not been lost and people are continuing to enjoy it. _

_I'll be back in September with Sirius-centric story entitled "A Goblet of Blood" which will deal with the Black family, hopefully giving them more dimension than the one-sided version we see in the books. And yes, Sirius' pain from their damage will be soothed by Remus. _


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